


we chose each other

by neoragodestiny



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2018-06-16
Packaged: 2018-10-19 03:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 60,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10630965
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neoragodestiny/pseuds/neoragodestiny
Summary: au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> **a/n** : I’m giving warning in advance: **please note the warnings** , because this is very heavy fic. There are a lot of issues it deals with, some being very dark and heavy, and it can be quite extensive in exploring these issues, so please be aware of this before / while reading. I want to warn that there may be triggering content so please read with this in mind. Some of the issues might not rise until later chapters, but they are there and I don't want to accidentally hurt anyone in my exploration of these issues in this fic. I know I’m potentially spoiling a lot of things ahead, but I want to be very clear with my trigger warnings  
> Title from Pretty U by Seventeen and inspired by the fact that feelings are not a choice, but relationships - and making them work - are repeated choices to be with a person, despite whatever difficulties you face  
> YES THIS IS THE MONSTER FIC I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON i can’t believe it’s finally seeing the light /weak laughter/  
> Without further ado~
> 
>  
> 
>  **title:** we chose each other  
>  **pairing:** s.coups/woozi  
>  **genre:** angst, romance, friendship  
>  **rating:** m  
>  **warnings:** in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations  
>  **total wordcount:** 90k?  
>  **summary:** au. Seungcheol passes the days trying to escape his past and find meaning in the future. Jihoon goes through each day trying to find a reason to live for himself, and not just exist pretending for others. Little do they know, a chance encounter gives them both what they’re searching for, and something more.

**_PROLOGUE_ **

Seungcheol breathes out and watches the tendrils of smoke reach for the sky. In front of him, the ocean crashes against the artificial banks of the docks.

One more minute. Seungcheol closes his eyes and breathes in clean air, lungs burning from the remnants of tobacco from the previous inhalation of smoke.

He breathes out.

“Seungcheol!”

He whirls around and sees the warehouse manager beckoning to him from the entrance. Seungcheol yells back that he’s coming. 

He inhales the addictive toxic taste of the cigarette one last time and then crushes it against the stone and swings his legs over the barrier to run back to the warehouse.

The sun is beginning to dip beneath the horizon and Seungcheol turns around at the doorway of the warehouse to take one more look at it.

Another day, he thinks, before disappearing inside.

 

Jihoon rubs his temples and tries to resist the urge to push everything off his desk.

“It’s fine, Raina-noona. I’ll deal with it. Thank you,” he says tightly. Raina purses her lips, still looking unsure, but she nods and leaves, the door closing soundlessly behind her.

Jihoon sighs and stares at the sheets of numbers and reports in front of him. His phone buzzes and he sees a message from Soonyoung, but he ignores it.

He knows what it’ll say. It’ll ask him to come out, go play at those expensive nightclubs and bars that Soonyoung likes to visit with his friends.

 _Come play and pretend to be normal_ , Soonyoung always says and Jihoon smiles wryly. Pretend to be normal. Even Soonyoung knows they can never be normal people, they could only pretend - but Jihoon hates pretending more than anything.

His computer tinkles, reminding him he has a meeting with the CEO in five minutes. He collects his reports and leaves his office, keeping his head high, ignoring everyone who stops to look at him. Standing outside the CEO’s office, he takes a deep breath before he knocks politely. The CEO’s secretary had already announced his arrival, but he knows the courtesy he has to give.

“Come in,” the voice says sharply. Jihoon pushes the door open slowly.

They’re the only ones in the office. The CEO smiles at him, a strained upturn of lips that Jihoon has learned to recognise as fake.

“Hello, Jihoon,” he says as Jihoon closes the door behind him.

Jihoon mirrors the tight smile. “Hello… father,” he answers.

The CEO nods and gestures for him to take a seat. Jihoon looks out the window where the sun is dipping beneath the horizon, forces a smile, and takes the seat.

Another day, he thinks, as he hands over his reports.

 

**_CHAPTER ONE_ **

Seungcheol finishes his shift at the warehouse by late afternoon. He waves to his fellow workmates before jogging off towards the underground station.

The apartment is cold when he opens the door and he switches on the light switch, not even bothered when the light doesn’t turn on immediately. He walks past the low hanging light and taps it twice as he heads to the corner of his room where he’s set up his bed. As he throws his backpack onto the bed, the light flickers on, illuminating the small apartment in a dull light. Seungcheol ruffles through the drawer for clothes and heads to the bathroom, showering quickly.

He makes ramyun and throws in some vegetables he managed to get from the old lady down the street yesterday - she was kind enough to discount them because they were a bit wilted. Seungcheol didn’t mind.

Twenty minutes later and he’s out the door again, heading down to Healing. Yejin greets him brightly when he enters and he smiles at her.

Yejin is like his older sister - she had been a senior at his high school, and after hearing what happened in tenth grade, she took him under her wing; she helped him get a job at the bar she was working at, even if it was only cleaning after hours, or being a delivery boy. When she became manager, she sent Seungcheol to get his licence to serve alcohol, and then put him behind the bar.

As she put it, she wasn’t going to “little Coupsie” go hungry on the streets if she could do something about it.

Seungcheol grumbles about nicknames and constantly teases her, but he is grateful. If not for Yejin, he really might have gone hungry on the streets.

“Not sneaking to the back for a quick ‘lip gloss touch-up’?” Seungcheol asks her as he wipes down the bar. Yejin throws a tea towel at him.

Healing has live music every night between Thursday and Sunday, and one of the regular musicians is one of Yejin’s old friends from high school. Every employee of Healing has stumbled upon the two of them kissing in the backroom at least once.

“I will take your tips, Choi Seungcheol,” Yejin threatens, but they both know it’s empty and Seungcheol laughs brightly. He greets Jeonghan as the pretty-faced boy steps up to the bar, smothering a yawn.

“Pulled an all-nighter?” Seungcheol asks, because Jeonghan is known for cramming assignments at the last minute. He aces them, just never starts early enough.

“You know it,” Jeonghan mutters, throwing him a grin.

“He literally did not sleep even a minute,” Jisoo says, as he steps up to the bar, guitar slung over his back. Jisoo is Jeonghan’s roommate and one of the other regular musicians at Healing. Seungcheol thinks there’s something more than friendship between them, but he doesn’t ask. He, of all people, knows not to ask.

“Handed it in right on time?” Seungcheol asks.

“Three minutes to spare,” Jeonghan grins triumphantly and Jisoo rolls his eyes.

“It’s not something to be proud of, Han,” he mutters before walking off to tune his guitar.

Jeonghan watches him go and his expression is somewhere between sulking and grumpy. “He’s just jealous he can’t write a winning essay in a day,” he says in a stage whisper.

“Not jealous,” Jisoo calls from the other side of the room, where he's setting up his guitar.

Yejin laughs and Jeonghan huffs and storms off. He pushes open the door to the kitchen and drapes himself over Junhui, the chef, and whines. 

“If you ruin my dish, I will shave your head, hyung,” Junhui says coolly, not even turning his head to look at him.

Jeonghan cries that everyone’s out to get him, and Seungcheol just laughs and goes to clean the board at the front.

Healing’s distinctive feature is the whiteboard on the wall just inside the entrance. As soon as you stepped through the front doors, you were greeted with a whiteboard before you entered the main area. On it, you were supposed to write down a worry, in order to leave it behind and come inside for “healing”. At least, that was the premise of the bar.

Seungcheol always left the instructions and a couple of the previous night’s confessions. Some days, he would write one himself. But he likes reading them, wondering which customers he served wrote what on the board. 

Did the guy in the suit, who drank three cocktails while staring at his phone, confess that he was having an affair, or was it the woman who sat in the corner booth until a man stepped up to her and they left together? Was it the guy with blond hair, loudly cheering on friends in drinking games, who confessed he had only two friends who knew his real identity, or was it the guy wearing fake glasses and sitting alone at the bar?

It was intriguing reading and trying to guess, but not actually knowing.

Today, Seungcheol looks at the board and decides today he’ll leave a confession too.

 _I don’t know what I’m living for_ joins the board in red marker and Seungcheol goes back to the bar, doing the last preparations before they open for another night.

 

The weight of the gun in his hands is painfully familiar, and oddly comforting. He really shouldn't keep it so close to the things that make him want to just stop existing. But a secret drawer under his office desk really is the only place he can keep something secret. Anywhere else would be found, overturned, scrutinised. It's also where he spends most of his time, so it's only reasonable he keep it close to him as much as possible.

Jihoon twists his wrist to look at the instrument in his hands from another angle, the metal gleaming in the harsh artificial lights of his office. Jihoon wonders maybe he shouldn't die by bullet. It's so messy. Plus, it's extra gruesome for whoever finds him. But at the same time, he realises he wants that horror - his death would be so quiet, swept under a rug and his role replaced before anyone could bat an eyelash, he almost wants the mess, like mini vengeance by making his death harder to hide.

Jihoon doesn't think he'd be missed. But he hopes he at least causes a ripple when he dies.  
He sighs. It's been a while since he's had to hold the gun to remember that he _wants to live_. 

Jihoon jumps a little when his phone starts buzzing on the table in front of him. He curses. He forgot to turn it off, or at least put it on silent. He slides the gun back into its secret place before glancing at the screen.

He lets out a sigh as he answers.

“Soonyoung, I don’t have time for you,”

Soonyoung gasps on the other end of the phone. “I haven’t even said anything yet. I’m offended, Jihoonie,”

Jihoon sighs heavily. His calm melancholy of before is beginning to translate into the frustrated melancholy he had before he pulled out the gun. “What is it?” he asks, sighing heavily.

“You sound stressed,”

“My report just got thrown back in my face and I somehow have to tell my team we have to work overtime for the rest of the month, what do you think my mental state is?” Jihoon says.

Soonyoung pauses, as if actually processing the words, before he says. “You really need to get out of that office,”

Jihoon groans and flops back into his chair.

“No, seriously, Jihoon. I haven’t seen you leave your office earlier than 10pm on nights where you don't have functions til midnight, and it's been a month. And if you’re going to be doing that again for the rest of this month, you need a night off and _proper sleep_.”

Jihoon scoffs. “That’s never going to happen,”

“Not if you don’t let it,” Soonyoung presses. “C’mon, Jihoon, just one night. Take a chance. If you hate it, you can go home early and sleep.”

They both know he wouldn’t go home earlier than he absolutely has to, but a night off does sound tempting….

Jihoon glances at the clock. It's already almost 9pm. He sighs. “One night. And you don’t hold it against me if I bail,”

Soonyoung lets out a soft laugh. “When have I ever?”

Jihoon refrains from pointing out the constant previous events and instead tells Soonyoung to text him details while he gets ready to leave the office.

 

“I’m happy you finally decided to join us,” Seungcheol looks up to see the young blond that comes every few weeks, standing at the entrance, towing a shorter blond in a white collared shirt under a dark suit jacket and black slacks. A tie peeks out from the pocket of his jacket. The outfit is simple, and a little stiff, but Seungcheol thinks it suits him.

Seungcheol also shouldn’t be oggling customers while he’s on duty.

He goes back to cleaning glasses as the two make their way to the bar. “C’mon, have a drink and then join us. I promise they won’t make you do any drinking games if you don’t want to,” the taller blond is saying. 

“You said that last time, _Hoshi_ ,” and there’s something about the way the shorter emphasises the name, Seungcheol knows it’s some sort of nickname.

‘Hoshi’ sighs. “Why are you mad at me, Jihoon? I haven't done anything to piss you off yet.”

The shorter, Jihoon, just sighs and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up, but it still looks good. Seungcheol wishes he could mess his own hair up and not look like a bird tried to make a nest on his head.

“You’re right. I’m sorry, Soonyoung. It's been a long day,” he says.

The taller, Soonyoung, just beams. “I know, otherwise you’d be moping back home instead of letting me try to cheer you up. Now, let’s get you a drink, ‘kay? You can put it on my tab.”

Soonyoung steps up to the bar and gives Seungcheol a bright smile. “Hey, can you recommend a cocktail for my friend here? You gave me that blue-ish one last time…”

“ _Drift Away_?” Seungcheol offers, pointing it out on their homemade cocktails list.

“Ooh, yeah that’s it. Jihoon-ah, you should try that one. It was really nice last time - ”

His companion is raising an eyebrow underneath his blond hair and Seungcheol can’t help but stare. Now that he’s up close, he can make out the handsome features of his face even better. “Soonyoung, I’d like to be able to remember my name in ten minutes. I am not drinking that,” he deadpans and Seungcheol has to bite back laughter.

“Your alcohol tolerance isn’t that bad,” Soonyoung whines.

“Your ability to convince me to _is_ that bad,” Jihoon counters and Seungcheol is really struggling to not laugh.

Jihoon notices him and steps up to the bar, leaning over it like he’s wanting to trade secrets. “Can you just make me something simple that won’t kill me in two gulps?”

“Something simple?” Seungcheol asks. He looks at the liquors on the shelf behind him. He looks at the guy in front of him again, whose expression is unchanged.

“Yeah, I think I can do that. Vodka base?”

“Sure,” comes the reply and Seungcheol nods and sets about making it. 

He hands it over a minute later, watching him cross the bar area to join his friend. Seungcheol washes the cocktail shaker and notes how the guy sits at the edge of the group, not engaging in the discussion as much as his friend.

Seungcheol wonders what he wrote on the board at the front.

 

“What did you give me? It was really good,”

Seungcheol looks up from wiping down the bench to see the blond guy, Jihoon, leaning over bar. His jacket is gone and he’s got a relaxed smile on his lips.

“Thank you, sir. I’m glad you liked it,” Seungcheol says, taking the empty glass from him. He’s looking at the board of drinks.

“It's not up there?” he asks. Seungcheol shakes his head.

“I just made it up on the spot. You asked for something simple,” Seungcheol says and he smiles gently.

“Can you make it again?” he asks.

“Yeah,”

“Then I’ll have another one,”

Seungcheol looks away, nodding mutely. He doesn’t trust himself to speak. He makes it quickly, and finds the guy still leaning across the bar, waiting for it.

He pays for it there, instead of putting it on his friend’s tab. Seungcheol watches as he takes an experimental sip of the drink at the bar, before turning to smile at Seungcheol. “Perfect,” he says and Seungcheol hides a happy flush.

“Thank you,”

“You should add it to the menu,”

“Should I?” Seungcheol asks, washing the cocktail shaker he used.

A hum in reply. Then he asks, “Is it appropriate for me to ask your name?”

Seungcheol thinks about it. “I don’t think it’s necessarily inappropriate, unless that’s your intention.”

He flashes a smile. “It’s not. I’m Jihoon.”

“Nice to meet you, Jihoon-sshi. I’m Seungcheol.”

 

The next night, when Seungcheol cleans the board he almost misses a small confession in the corner. It reads _I want to find a reason to live_ in neat red marker, right next to his own confession, almost like it was purposely put there to match his. He wonders who wrote it.

 _What are you living for now?_ Seungcheol wonders. It’s one of the confessions he leaves on the board that night.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: if you haven't realised, this is a slow build fic lol but i promise it'll be worth it <3

Jihoon is neck deep in reports and ready to just put the latest workings in the shredder and pretend he’s not responsible for this whole department. He sighs and runs a hand over his face.

He glances at his phone, hesitating for a moment, before calling one of the few numbers stored in it. Aside from his parents, his brother, household staff and the company, Jihoon only has one number saved. 

Soonyoung is his only friend.

“Are my eyes deceiving me? Is Jihoonie seriously calling me first?” Soonyoung answers.

Jihoon smiles. “Hey, Soonyoung. Are you going out to that bar again tonight? Can I tag along?”

“Did you just ask me to go out? Willingly?” Soonyoung gasps dramatically. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Jihoon?”

Jihoon chuckles softly. “Stop being like that, Soonyoung. I really did enjoy myself the other night, and work is beginning to get to me again.”

“You didn’t even spend much time with me two weeks ago,” Soonyoung whines, “you spent most of the night at the bar talking to the bartender - ” he gasps. “Oh!”

“Soonyoung,” Jihoon says, voice low in warning, though he’s not sure what for.

“You have a crush!!! On that bartender!!!”

“I had an engaging conversation with an interesting person,” Jihoon deadpans, “that does not equate to feelings.”

“Lee Jihoon does not find someone ‘engaging’ or ‘interesting’, just like that,” Soonyoung retorts before giggling. “Okay, okay, we’ll head over to Healing in an hour.”

Jihoon looks at his watch. “Okay, I’ll leave the office in half an hour then,”

“What?”

“What what?”

“Aren’t you going home to change?”

“Into what?”

“Jihooooooooon,”

“Soonyoung, you know I don’t understand your whining,”

Soonyoung sighs heavily. “If you like someone, you have to put effort into your appearance.”

“My clothes get meticulously checked every morning,” Jihoon replies. “And I do not like someone,” he adds quickly. Soonyoung groans.

“I give up. Come in your suit then, if you want, but don’t blame me if he thinks you’re stuffy,”

Jihoon pauses and Soonyoung is about to hang up when he hears Jihoon quietly ask, “Does the suit make me look stuffy?”

A smug grin slides onto Soonyoung’s face. “I’ll meet you at your house in twenty minutes.”

 

Jihoon tugs at the edge of his jumper self-consciously. 

“I don’t know, Soonyoung. I feel like this makes me look twelve,”

“You look underage regardless,” Soonyoung answers back, “at least this way it won’t seem so hard to approach you,”

“I’m hard to approach?”

“You’re dense, Jihoon, you know that?”

“How does this relate to my approachability?” Jihoon asks, puzzled.

Soonyoung sighs. “Just…. Let’s go,” and he gets out of the car, Jihoon following suit.

Jihoon watches Soonyoung scrawl in green marker on the board at the front. _I’m scared my friends aren’t genuine_.

Jihoon picks up the red one, thinks for a moment and then writes his confession.

_I rarely find people interesting_.

 

Disappointment hits hard, like a sucker punch to the gut, when Jihoon finds out Seungcheol isn’t working that night. The longer-haired bartender says he injured himself at his other work and was taking the night off to rest.

Soonyoung gives his shoulder a squeeze before diverting the attention, brightly discussing liquors on the list. Jihoon sighs and runs a hand through his hair, messing it up. Soonyoung tried to style it for him, but there’s no point now. Why did he want to impress him anyway?

And now that he’s no longer distracted by the intriguing bartender, Jihoon is reminded about all the reports he’s ignoring at work. He sighs. He’s going to need a different distraction, and he’s at a bar where liquor is plentiful. Jihoon sighs, and is about to ask for whatever strong drink they have, but then his eye lands on the board above the bar.

The list of home created cocktails is still there, and at the bottom is a new one. In pale blue marker, the cocktail _Simple_ is made from vodka, cranberry juice, sugar syrup and a hint of lemon juice.

Suddenly Jihoon doesn’t want a strong drink. He just wants a simple cocktail.

(Soonyoung sees Jihoon smile at the drinks board and doesn’t understand what’s going on in his friend’s head, but he knows that whatever can make Jihoon smile like that is worth protecting.)

 

“Yo,” Seungcheol mock salutes as he appears at the edge of the bar counter.

“You’re meant to be resting at home, asshole, or did you forget you hurt your back today?” comes the reply as Yejin makes a cocktail with quick twirls of her hand. She deftly receives the cash and wishes the guy a pleasant evening before Seungcheol even flashes a grin at her.

“Hello to you too, Yejin-noona,” Seungcheol greets. He leans across the bar. “Just came by to get my cap. I accidentally left it here last night,”

“It’s a cap, Seungcheol, it could have waited until you come back tomorrow, or whenever,” Yejin sighs, but doesn’t even turn to look at him, attending the next customer. Seungcheol just smiles softly at her, because she knows why he treasures that cap.

“You know it makes me feel badass,” he grins at her playfully. Yejin spares him a moment to roll her eyes.

“I’ll have Jeonghan get it in a minute,” she says, continuing to handle two customers at once. It’s really busy tonight. Seungcheol sees Jisoo poke his head out of the kitchen to ask Jeonghan something - seems like it’s his break from performing right now, and he’s been recruited to help out Junhui in the kitchen.

A few minutes later, Seungcheol looks up from his phone as Jeonghan appears from the back room and hands him his cap. “Oh, by the way, the blond cutie asked for you,”

Seungcheol tries not to raise his hopes that it’s the same blond cutie he’s thinking of. “Who?”

Jeonghan points over to the booth in the corner. “Ordered your new concoction too,” he says, but Seungcheol isn’t listening anymore. He’s just looking through the crowd of people, at the blond haired young man sitting at the edge of the booth. He’s dressed in an oversized sweater and jeans this time, and it makes him look so much younger. 

Like the other night, he doesn’t seem very engaged in the other conversations, though he does pretend to listen every now again. Seungcheol notices him looking at the pink cocktail in his hands, his lips quirking into a smile every time.

As Seungcheol debates whether or not to go over and say something ( _like what?_ his brain asks, and he can’t even answer himself), the young man finishes his drink, looks at it with a thoughtful look on his face, and then gets to his feet.

He’s almost at the crowded bar before he recognises Seungcheol standing at the edge of the bar, not behind it this time.

“I heard you were injured, Seungcheol-sshi,” he says in greeting.

“I see you ordered your special cocktail, Jihoon-sshi,” Seungcheol answers and Jihoon lets out a soft laugh.

“It was good, of course I would order it again if it was on offer,” Jihoon answers with a smile. Seungcheol grins back. 

“Jeonghan made it?” he asks. When Jihoon looks puzzled, Seungcheol points out the dark-haired bartender attending another customer at the other end of the bar.

Jihoon nods. “He didn’t have enough lemon juice though. Not the same as yours,” 

Seungcheol grins, like a proud parent. “Well, I guess I’ll just have to make it for you some other time then,” he says and Jihoon returns the smile easily.

“I guess you will,”

“Choi Seungcheol, I love you dearly, but you're not on duty and if you’re not going to be a customer and order something, even I will kick you out soon,” Yejin mutters darkly as she leans over the bar between them. She’s got three different customers asking for her attention to order drinks.

“How about a simple cocktail?” Jihoon asks, playful grin on his lips, and Seungcheol rubs the back of his neck, seeming bashful. 

“I, uh, don’t have enough cash on me at the moment,” he says, like he’s admitting something shameful. Jihoon blinks at him. Who doesn’t carry enough cash to even pay for a drink at a bar? He wouldn’t be able to catch a cab home or anything if he were to get into any unfortunate circumstance.

“How about I buy you one then?” he offers before he even realises what he’s saying. “I-In return for creating such a nice cocktail for me, the other night,” he adds quickly. And Jihoon internally curses, because Lee Jihoon does not stutter, damnit. What is wrong with him?

Seungcheol flashes him a grin. “Thank you, but that’s not necessary,” he offers Yejin a salute. “I’ll get out of your hair, noona. I’ll see you tomorrow,”

And then he’s stepping away from the bar, and Jihoon finds himself panicking. He dodges a couple of people to latch onto a jacket sleeve before he even realises what he’s doing.

“I - ” Jihoon falters and then hurriedly lets go of Seungcheol’s sleeve. “Sorry, I just, uh,” he hears Seungcheol chuckle.

“That’s okay, sorry for leaving so suddenly. Yejin-noona can be pretty scary when she wants to be, so I know better than to try and push my luck,” Seungcheol says. He smiles at Jihoon and Jihoon feels uncharacteristically nervous. He mentally shakes himself of it.

“You’ll be here tomorrow?” Jihoon asks.

Seungcheol smiles. “Yeah, I will be,” he pauses. “Will you?”

Jihoon is startled by the question. “I - uhm, maybe. I mean, yeah, probably,”

Seungcheol grins again and Jihoon keeps feeling like he’s getting warm sunshine shone on him. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow, cutie.”

And then they hear Yejin yelling at him from the bar and Seungcheol flashes Jihoon another grin before disappearing through the crowd, leaving Jihoon standing in the middle of the crowded bar alone, heart hammering in his chest.

 

Jihoon sees Seungcheol the next night. 

He nurses his Simple cocktail when talking to Seungcheol, about the most random things - like whether unicorns are real, or whether it would be physically possible to measure everything in spaghetti. When the bar is busy and Seungcheol goes to attend other customers, Jihoon sips at his drink and watches the way Seungcheol effortlessly mixes drinks and continues talking to the customer, or his co-worker, or sometimes even Jihoon himself.

They talk until Jihoon gets a message from his brother around midnight, reminding him not to overwork himself in the office, and Jihoon finally remembers that he has a home to go to - even if no one really notices when he gets home.

He reluctantly leaves Healing after giving Seungcheol some vague promise of returning when he can - to which Seungcheol relents to only after they exchange phone numbers, because Seungcheol insists he isn’t finished explaining why dogs are the best companion.

Jihoon leaves the bar rolling his eyes, because even at the door Seungcheol is yelling after him that dogs are better. He steps out of the bar and into the foyer area. He looks at his confession for the day. _I want to make a friend_ is written on the side of the whiteboard in purple marker. Jihoon looks at his phone, which now has another contact saved, smiles, and steps out into the cool night air.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: the temptation to post all the ready chapters is so real lololol but i gotta keep some for when im busy so you guys dont have to wait too long between updates x(

It’s nearly 10pm when Jihoon hears his phone buzz. He frowns. Soonyoung usually messages him earlier if he wants Jihoon to come out for a night out, while the housekeeper or his brother won’t message him until nearly midnight. 

He checks the screen to see it’s a message from his newly added contact - Seungcheol. He finds himself smiling despite himself as he opens it up to read the message.

_u coming 2nite?_

Jihoon winces at the awful text spelling.

_I can’t tonight. Report due tomorrow._

_but its late cant u take a break?_

_Report is still due tomorrow_

_:c_

Jihoon smiles to himself, imagining Seungcheol pouting at his phone, similar to how he pouted when Jihoon told him he didn’t like playing basketball.

He runs a hand over his face and goes back to his report. A few minutes later, there’s another message.

_ppl r ordering simple n i keep wishing i was making it 4 u_

Jihoon chuckles softly.

_Make one on my behalf and drink it yourself_

_noona wud kill me and take it out of my pay_

Jihoon has to stop himself from snorting. He responds quickly and the night goes by like that - interrupted every ten minutes or so by a text from Seungcheol. A couple of times, the intervals are long - Jihoon guesses the bar is busy - but he works efficiently every time in between, his report actually getting finished quickly and compiled whenever Jihoon is waiting for Seungcheol’s texts.

He finishes just after 1:30 AM, stretching his stiff muscles as he walks a lap of his office. His phone buzzes with Seungcheol’s latest reply - just three laughing emojis in response to Jihoon’s previous message.

_Still at Healing? When do you close?_

_yep, we close @ 2_

_can you make a simple cocktail for me in about twenty minutes?_

_r u coming?!?!?!?!?!_

Jihoon laughs as he saves his work and grabs his jacket to leave the office.

_only if I can have a simple cocktail when I get there_

Jihoon presses for the lift, the _ding!_ when it arrives sounding extraordinarily loud in the silent and dark office. His phone buzzes as he steps into the lift.

 _on it!!!!_

Jihoon smiles and presses the button for the basement carpark.

 

“You’re lucky Seungcheol is willing to work overtime if you were late,” Yejin greets Jihoon when he steps into the bar ten minutes before closing time.

Jihoon smiles warmly. “I promise I won’t stay long,” he says.

“Jihoon-sshi!” Seungcheol calls excitedly from where he’s wiping down the bar. Jihoon can see a pink drink on the bar and half the chairs stacked to one side. “Your drink is here!” he says.

Jihoon wanders over to the bar, sliding the money over to Seungcheol before he forgets to pay for his drink. “Looks like I came just in time,”

“Yeah, the last customer left a few minutes ago, so we’re starting to pack up,” Seungcheol says, wiping down one of the glass doors of a fridge. “Did you manage to finish your report?”

Jihoon takes a sip of his cocktail before answering. “Actually I did. I thought I would be there all night and just sleep a couple of hours on the couch in my office, but I actually finished it,”

Seungcheol wrinkles his nose. “That doesn’t sound like good rest,” he says, “do you do that a lot?”

Jihoon just shrugs, sipping his cocktail. It still tastes as good as he remembers. “Every now and again, when there’s a lot of work,” he says. He doesn't say it's most nights he doesn't have functions - because class work takes up the remaining few nights. Also, he rarely wants to go home.

“Do you live alone?”

“No, I live at home at the moment,”

Seungcheol frowns more. “Don’t your parents worry when you don’t come home?”

Jihoon shrugs. “Not really. I don’t think they notice,” he says quietly. He takes another sip to hide his expression - not that he really knows what his expression is anymore. It’s not like he feels much that his parents don’t care. He’s known for a long time that he’s just a piece for their business to move forward, the protector of the future of their business. Their true child.

He’s long gotten used to it. The only two people who care are the housekeeper - mostly because they cook food for him that goes uneaten - and his brother.

Jihoon tries not to think about how long it’s been since he last actually _saw_ Chan.

“I’m sure they still care,” Seungcheol says, bringing Jihoon back to the present. Jihoon scoffs against the rim of his glass.

“I don’t think they do, but I’ll pretend I believe your optimism, Seungcheol-sshi,” Jihoon says.

Seungcheol waves his hand in front of his face. “Just Seungcheol, please,”

“Are you sure?” Jihoon blinks, and Seungcheol beams.

“Yeah, of course,” he says. Then he pauses. “Can I just call you Jihoon?”

Jihoon doesn't want to admit that hearing Seungcheol say his name so easily warms his heart, so he just smiles softly and says, “Sure,”

Seungcheol returns the smile before going back to wiping down the bench and putting away glasses and shakers and cutlery used to make drinks.

Jihoon has a couple more sips of his drink before he sees Yejin struggling to move a table and he runs over to help her. She throws him a grateful smile as they shuffle the table to a corner. Jihoon begins to help her stack the chairs while she hurriedly tells him he doesn’t have to - he’s a customer, not an employee. Jihoon just says it’s his way of paying her back for coming so late.

Yejin laughs brightly, and the two of them start talking about annoying customers, while Seungcheol watches them from the bar with a warm gaze.

Ten minutes later, they’re all packed up and Jihoon downs the last of his cocktail and Seungcheol washes the glass while Yejin sighs and hangs her apron and puts away the dish cloth tucked into the belt loop of her pants.

“Thanks, Jihoon-sshi,” she says, a tired but grateful smile on her lips.

“You’re welcome. If it lets me keep coming back here, I’m happy to help,” Jihoon jokes and Yejin laughs loudly before disappearing through the back door. 

“Why? Do you like coming to see my face that much?” Seungcheol asks, grinning brightly. Jihoon rolls his eyes at him, hoping his practice of keeping a blank face prevents him from blushing slightly at Seungcheol’s casual flirting.

“I’m sure he’d really rather _not_ see you, Cheol,” Yejin hits Seungcheol with his own cloth as she emerges from the back room.

Seungcheol yelps and scowls at her, while Jihoon laughs brightly. 

Yejin yawns. “Home?” Jihoon asks. 

“Yep, home,” she says, as she puts on her jacket and shoulders a large handbag that looks heavy.

“I always walk her to her car,” Seungcheol tells Jihoon. Jihoon just nods and the three of them leave the bar a few moments later, Yejin locking up behind them.

Yejin is parked at a small reserved spot at the back of the bar and the two of them wave to her as she pulls out of the spot and drives away.

“Did you drive?” Seungcheol asks. Jihoon nods in one direction. “I’ll walk you to your car too,”

“What about you?” Jihoon asks as Seungcheol starts walking in that direction, Jihoon scurrying to follow.

“I don’t have a car,” Seungcheol laughs softly. “I take the subway. They run all night,”

Jihoon blinks at him. “I - do you want a lift? I mean, it’ll be faster, and it’s no trouble,”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “I’m fine, I promise. I like taking the train at night. It’s calming,”

“Really?” Jihoon asks, skeptical.

“Yep,” Seungcheol grins, hand reaching into a pocket of his jacket and he suddenly hesitates slightly, steps stuttering before he continues on. “Do you mind if I light a cigarette while we walk? I won’t be able to smoke in the subway,”

Jihoon wrinkles his nose. “Smoking is a disgusting habit,” he grumbles, but sighs, “but sure. Just don’t get smoke in my face,”

Seungcheol laughs as he pulls out the cigarette and puts it between his lips. Within a few moments it’s lighted and he’s blowing smoke (away from Jihoon). “I know it’s a disgusting habit, and I know it’ll kill me one day, but it calms me down,” he says. “Somehow, it makes me feel like the world isn’t as chaotic as it is in my head. Like everything can slow down that little bit for me to breathe - even if that breath is filled with tobacco,”

Jihoon wants to make a comment, but he thinks of a gun beneath his office desk and thinks he has no right to comment on Seungcheol smoking to calm himself down.

“So,” Seungcheol says, lips around the cigarette, “what do you actually do that requires you to stay back so late so often?”

Jihoon stares at the bright lights of the city around him, and yet the darkness of the city that envelops them so completely. “A boring desk job, wherein I have to work for people above me, and also cover for people who help me,” Jihoon answers. “Also, I study part time and attend functions, representing the company and all that,”

Seungcheol laughs loudly, the sound echoing in the deserted streets and empty high rises.  
“Sounds like a nightmare,”

Jihoon smiles wryly, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I guess you could say it is,”

They’ve reached his car and Jihoon almost wants to keep walking and pretend it’s actually further, so that they can keep walking and talking and Seungcheol can keep smiling brightly, laughing loudly. But he hesitates just slightly and Seungcheol stops at his car. It’s the only car on the block. 

“This yours?” he asks. Jihoon nods and Seungcheol lets out a low whistle at the sleek black European car. Jihoon flushes for some reason. 

“That desk job sounds like a nightmare, but it sure as hell pays well enough,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon doesn’t know how to say that he didn’t pay for it. Almost everything he owns belongs to the company.

“Are you sure you don’t want a lift home?” Jihoon says, “I really don’t mind,”

Seungcheol smiles, cigarette between his lips. “I’m sure. Go home and get some rest. It’s late,” he says and then it’s time for them to say goodbye before Jihoon gets in his car and drives off. But Jihoon falters. How do they say goodbye?

A handshake is too formal, a wave too awkward. They’re talking pretty comfortably, but Jihoon doesn’t think they’re quite _friends_ yet, and a hug would be too weird - especially since Jihoon isn’t an affectionate kind of person. He only hugs Soonyoung because the other has hugged him constantly since they were young and Jihoon has learnt that he’s not going to get out of it, so he may as well hug the older back.

Now though, Jihoon doesn’t know what to do. He hasn’t exactly made any friends recently (ever) so he’s not entirely sure what the protocol is. When are they considered friends? How do friends usually say goodbye?

Seungcheol solves his internal dilemma and struggle, as he reaches out a hand and ruffles Jihoon’s hair almost violently, messing up every bit of it. Jihoon cries out, trying to pull out of it while Seungcheol laughs softly.

“So your hair can get messy too, like a bird's nest,” he says as Jihoon raises his head to stare at him, presumably with hair like a bird’s nest. Seungcheol smiles warmly and does it again. Jihoon just lowers his head and accepts it, blushing, mind too consumed by the image of Seungcheol’s warm smile and twinkling eyes.

When he finally lifts his head, Seungcheol is already a few metres away, waving goodbye as he walks towards the train station, cigarette between two fingers, his back to Jihoon.

Jihoon waves back feebly before realising Seungcheol can’t even see him, and he retracts his hand quickly. He gets into his car, watches Seungcheol’s figure in his side mirror until Seungcheol rounds a corner, and then he starts his car, heaves a sigh and drives home.


	4. four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: even i'm struggling with how slow the fic moves at the rate im releasing chapters lol. it gets more exciting from here, but maybe we'll get another update this week if i get a chance OuO mebbe.

_still @ work?_

_yep. I might be able to come tomorrow though_

Somehow, they begin to pass the days like that, the two of them texting when Jihoon works late, unable to go to Healing to see Seungcheol. Seungcheol also sounds horrified when Jihoon says he’s at the office on a Saturday. Jihoon holds back the comment that he doesn’t have anything else to do, anywhere else to be, so why not? He can actually get things done at the office, and it’s less suffocating than home, unless Chan is home. He’s on a school trip that weekend though, so Jihoon holes himself up in his office with his work and his class work and pretends that’s enough for him.

He goes to Healing on Sunday night, but it’s too busy for Seungcheol to be able to talk to him for long. Jihoon still relishes the smiles and the witty banter they have over the bar whenever Seungcheol is free.

A new week brings a new set of deadlines and reports to do and Jihoon doesn’t leave the office for three days, sleeping on the little couch in his office. His assistant, Raina, forces him into his car to go home on the third day when she finds out.

Jihoon sleeps restlessly, but it helps anyway, and he wakes up to several messages from Seungcheol, because he didn’t respond to any of his texts the night before. Jihoon smiles and types out a reply that he’s fine as he emerges from his room, nearly bumping into his father. The man with greying hair and a piercing gaze scrutinizes him for a moment, glancing at Jihoon’s hand, which shifts to hide his phone behind his back, as he greets him. After an excruciating moment, he merely nods and continues down the corridor, leaving Jihoon standing in the corridor.

Jihoon sighs, skin tingling. He takes a scalding hot shower and gets dressed. He stops by Chan’s room and nudges him until his brother is yawning and walking to the bathroom, half-awake.

_thought u died!_

Jihoon chokes a little on his coffee and his housekeeper looks at him worriedly. He just slides his phone back into his pocket and goes back to eating his breakfast.

Jihoon replies after he’s finished breakfast, has ruffled Chan’s meticulously styled hair (his brother whining in protest) and is getting into his car.

_I’m not dead_

Seungcheol then begins to message him through the day, random little tidbits that make Jihoon smile. (If Raina notices him smiling at his phone sometimes, she doesn’t make any comment.)

They pass the days like that, Jihoon going to Healing once or twice a week, depending when he has functions, and if there's work (and class work) to do, and Seungcheol is always bright eyed and smiling and eager to talk. 

Jihoon tells himself that Seungcheol is like that to everyone, and he’s not special in any way, but even Jihoon knows that Seungcheol is not like this with everyone. He resolves himself to keep his composure, it’s just a new friendship with someone who doesn’t think he’s weird. Nothing less, nothing more.

But Jihoon finds his resolve crumbling a little every time they meet, and every time he gets a message from Seungcheol.

_just saw THE cutest puppy_

Jihoon snickers as he leaves the meeting room.

_I’m assuming you took a picture_

The response is immediate. 

_defs_

_Show me tonight?_

Except then there isn’t a reply. Jihoon thinks he’s busy and can’t reply, until it’s been four hours and his phone hasn’t buzzed at all. He begins to get worried.

It’s five when Jihoon gets a message from an unknown number.

_this is jeonghan’s phone. I ran out of credit to txt bck sorry! come in sumtime so i can show u the pic yeh? - cheol_

Jihoon smacks himself internally. He forgot about credit. His phone was paid for, with unlimited calls and messages, so he didn’t think --

He stops, brain whirring. He reaches for his phone again and calls Seungcheol. He only realises what he’s doing when Seungcheol answers the phone and Jihoon’s brain turns to putty.

“Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks over the phone, sounding worried when Jihoon doesn’t answer.

“S-Sorry, I just,” Jihoon flounders internally. So much for keeping composure. “I thought, since you don’t have credit, I can call you, but I uh, I didn’t think this through. Sorry, uhm,” he stares at the time in the corner of his computer screen. “Is now a bad time? You’re setting up now, aren’t you?”

Seungcheol hums softly and Jihoon didn’t realise he could feel so comforted by a voice. “Yeah, we’ll be opening soon. I get a break at about ten, so you could call me then?”

Jihoon pushes aside the thought that this sounds like something a couple would do. He smiles to himself anyway, unable to help himself. “Alright, I’ll call you then,” he says, and hangs up at the same moment he looks up and sees Raina standing at the doorway to his office.

Jihoon jumps and lets out an undignified yelp before burying his face into his hands. “Raina-noona. Hi. You scared me,”

“I didn’t want to interrupt…” she trails off. Jihoon lets out a sigh before raising his head and smiling at her.

“It’s fine. You have something for me?” he asks as she hands him some documents.

“Just some notes for the AGM the week after. Also an update from the team - they should be done with their report by tomorrow afternoon, so we can have a meeting tomorrow evening,” she says.

Jihoon furrows his brows. “Tomorrow is Friday,” he says slowly. Raina nods like she’s beginning to worry if he got enough sleep again. He waves off her concern. “Schedule the meeting for first thing Monday. Don’t make the team stay back late on a Friday. They have families to go back to,”

Raina seems to be holding back a smile. “You’re very kind, Mr Lee,”

“I thought we’ve said to just call me Jihoon. You’re older than me, and you let me call you noona,” Jihoon says with a heavy sigh as he rubs his temples. He’s beginning to get a headache.

“I can schedule the meeting for Monday morning, but will you have enough time to make your own report?” she asks.

Jihoon flaps his hand in front of his face lazily. “It’ll be fine. I’ll make it work. Just schedule the meeting for Monday,”

“Yes, sir,”

“Jihoon,”

Raina smiles again. “Jihoon-sshi,”

Jihoon just sighs. “Close enough, I guess,” he says. She gives him another reminder to eat dinner before she leaves, high heels clicking on the wooden floor.

Jihoon goes back to his report, tapping away at his keyboard as he counts down the time until Seungcheol will go on his break and Jihoon can call him.

 

“Jihoon!”

Jihoon smiles to himself as he makes his way over to the bar where Seungcheol is grinning brightly. 

“You’re not ridiculously late tonight,” Seungcheol comments as Jihoon takes a seat at the bar.

“I didn’t realise there was a time I’m meant to be here by,” Jihoon says breezily and Seungcheol laughs easily.

“You know what I meant,” he says as he starts mixing Jihoon’s drink.

Jihoon smiles warmly. “I did indeed,” Seungcheol grins but doesn’t say anything more, making Jihoon’s drink wordlessly before giving it to him, Jihoon sliding the money across the counter.

“So, work is okay? Since you’re here at a semi-normal time on a Friday?” Seungcheol asks as Jihoon sips at his cocktail.

“Calm before the storm,” Jihoon answers instead. “I doubt I’ll leave my office at all next week,” he says and Seungcheol winces like just the mere mention of it hurts him.

“I hope that doesn’t happen,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon just gives a tired smile. Before Seungcheol can say more though, Jihoon flinches at a loud voice calling his name.

“Jihoooooooon!!!” and then there’s arms around his shoulders, back-hugging him. Jihoon sighs, because there’s only one person he knows who would do this.

“Hi Hoshi,” he says, because he can see Soonyoung’s friends to the side, looking at him curiously, because it seems weird for happy carefree ‘Hoshi’ to be talking to a serious person in a suit.

“You didn’t tell me you’d be here tonight,” Soonyoung says, throwing Seungcheol a smile before he turns to look at Jihoon.

“I don’t believe I have to tell you where I am most of the time,” Jihoon answers coolly.

Soonyoung pouts. “I’m hurt,”

“I know,” Jihoon deadpans immediately, before patting Soonyoung’s head condescendingly. “Now go play,”

Soonyoung pouts some more, but Jihoon just inclines his head to his friends who are waiting and looking unsure. Turnng to follow his gaze, Soonyoung finally releases him and skips over to his friends, talking loudly and ushering them to the booth that’s free.

When Jihoon turns back to Seungcheol, the bartender is raising an eyebrow at him. “Do explain to me how you’re friends again?”

“You mean, how am I friends with anyone?” Jihoon quips back and Seungcheol snorts. 

“No, just you and him. You seem… very opposite,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon smiles a little. “You and I seem quite opposite too,” he says, but he quickly moves on. “Soonyoung and I are family friends,” he says, “our parents…. know each other,”

Seungcheol quirks an eyebrow. “I feel like there’s more to this, like why you call him Hoshi sometimes and Soonyoung sometimes, but I feel like this is a conversation for another time?” he says. Jihoon nods hesitantly, not realising his slip up of calling Soonyoung by his real name in front of other people.

“He comes here pretty frequently though,” Seungcheol comments a bit later, after he’s served another customer and is cleaning some glasses. 

Jihoon just smiles against the rim of his glass. “Still part of the story for another time,” he says softly. 

“How about your story, Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks, leaning over the counter of the bar in front of him, and Jihoon’s witty answer dies on his lips. Seungcheol is so close, Jihoon’s brain is short-circuiting. Because, aside from Soonyoung, wherein the affection is half forced, Jihoon is only really close to his brother, and he doesn’t even see Chan most days. 

Jihoon isn’t well-versed in any sort of intimacy, isn’t used to being close to anyone - physically or emotionally (Soonyoung and Chan, again, being the only exceptions to that).

“I - ,” 

Jihoon is either lucky or unfortunate that someone calls to order some drinks and Seungcheol disappears to the other end of the bar to attend to them.

He does notice Soonyoung watching him out of the corner of his eye though, and sends his best death glare before getting distracted by his phone buzzing in his pocket.

He frowns when he sees Chan calling him.

Jihoon answers it immediately. “Chan?”

“Hyung, where are you?” Chan’s whispers over the phone and Jihoon is already on his feet, barely remembering to throw Seungcheol a quick wave as he hurries out the door. He misses Seungcheol’s slightly downcast face as he watches him leave.

“I’m out. What’s wrong, Chan?”

“Mother and Father keep asking where you are. They even asked me. Hyung, you might not want to come home. I have a bad feeling about this. They never ask for you,” Chan says.

Normally Jihoon wouldn’t question it, wouldn’t hesitate to stay gone from home for a few hours, maybe even to the next day. But the fact they were asking Chan about his whereabouts made him uneasy.

“I don’t know, Chan,” Jihoon murmurs, hesitating in the foyer area of Healing, the whiteboard of confessions by his side. He can see his confession for the day in green marker. _I’m scared of storms_.

“Hyung, seriously, I - ”

“Chan?” a voice calls in the distance, “is that your brother? Give me the phone,” and Jihoon hears Chan’s small squeak of protest before there’s a shuffle of noise and then his father is saying his name.

Jihoon feels his resolve harden. “Yes, Father?”

“Where are you? Come home immediately,”

“I was just about to make my way,” Jihoon says tightly.

“Well, hurry up,” and then the line goes dead.

 

Chan looks meek when Jihoon steps through the side door. Jihoon slips his shoes off and ruffles his brother’s hair. “Don’t worry, it’s not your fault,” he murmurs before he steps inside. The housekeeper immediately takes his briefcase and starts neatening his hair.

Jihoon frowns at her. “Am I meeting someone?” he asks immediately. She merely nods. Jihoon heaves a heavy sigh and steels himself before he walks into the living room.

There, sipping on delicate porcelain cups that Jihoon knows are specifically ordered from France, sits his parents, as well another two other adults and a girl who is probably the same age as him. She’s dressed impeccably, hair curled, make-up making her look like the perfect doll.

Jihoon finally has the bad feeling that Chan mentioned before. It feels like he’s watching a glass wobble on a stand.

“Ah, Jihoon-ah, come, sit,” his mother says pleasantly, like this isn’t the first time he’s seen her in three weeks.

“I wasn’t aware we were having guests,” Jihoon says stiffly, “I apologize for my lateness regardless,” he bows as the three guests rise and bow in return.

“Jihoon, this is Mr and Mrs Park, they own Royal Imports, and this is their daughter, Sora.”

Jihoon definitely has a bad feeling, the metaphorical glass wobbling more and more.

He swallows it down though, and introduces himself properly, trying to give the young girl a reassuring smile as he sits down in the other chair.

“We are actually in the midst of a partnership deal with Royal Imports,” Jihoon’s father explains, smiling gently, while Mr Park smiles back warmly. 

Jihoon is getting a very, very bad feeling, and he feels like he’s watching the glass tilt too far.

“And in a few years, we’ll be invaluable business partners to each other, so we thought it’d be good for you and Sora to meet, especially since we’ll want to take that close relationship beyond business and become family.”

Jihoon’s bad feeling of glass crashes, the loud shattering of it in his head only visible through his slightly widened eyes. 

“Are you saying…. Marriage?” he breathes, glancing at the girl. She doesn’t look too surprised, just tries to keep her head up as her hands wring nervously in her lap, which means she knew about this earlier. Now that he’s looking at her properly, he thinks she’s probably younger than him. Has she even finished school yet?!

“Not now, of course,” Jihoon’s father says breezily, “but in a year or two, when you finish your masters and take over the company, and Sora finishes her undergraduate and begins working in a managerial position in Royal Imports. Then it’d be the right timing to announce the engagement,”

Undergraduate. At least she’s not that much younger. But still. Jihoon isn’t even 24. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, like it will help him process it. 

It doesn’t.

“I’m sorry, Sora-sshi, I know you don’t have a say either,” is all Jihoon says, as he stands up.

“Jihoon-ah? What are you doing? Please sit down,” his mother chides gently, practiced plastic smile on her face.

Jihoon steels his gaze as he glares at her. “I am not a pawn for you to use as you please,” he snaps. She splutters, startled that Jihoon is behaving like that, particularly in front of guests. Jihoon doesn’t care.

As he storms out of the living room, he sees Chan peeking out at him from the kitchen, so he whirls around to add, “And keep Chan out of your business with me!”

Then he grabs his brother’s wrist and yanks him out of the house with him, Chan stumbling after him. Jihoon only lets go when they get to his car parked in the driveway and he sighs, runs a hand through his hair and says simply, “Please get in the car, Chan,”

Chan obeys without question and Jihoon is silently thankful. He can’t bring himself to calm down, but he doesn’t want to take it out on Chan either.

He just pulls the car out of the house that’s more like a prison than home and accelerates down the empty street. He doesn’t say anything, hands gripping the steering wheel tightly as the houses and streets blur into each other.

He only stops driving when they’re at a mountain lookout just outside the city. He parks the car into the deserted spot and heaves a sigh, leaning back in his chair.

“Sorry, Chan,” Jihoon says heavily, the first thing he’s said the whole car ride. “I didn’t want to leave you behind after creating a storm,” 

Chan just smiles, pats his hand on the gear stick, and then gets out of the car.

Jihoon watches his brother get out and then round the front of the car to the railing that looks over the city. Jihoon heaves a sigh before he gets out too, joining his brother at the rails.

“I heard everything,” Chan says softly, slumped over the railing, looking at the city that bustles below. The world that goes on no matter what. He looks at Jihoon. “You’re too young to get married, hyung,”

“You’re too young to have a sister-in-law,” Jihoon says softly, leaning back against the railing and staring up at the sky.

For a long moment, they stay silent. Then Chan asks, “What are you going to do, hyung?”

Jihoon notices he’s shivering and remembers he dragged his brother out in his home clothes, without a jacket. He goes back to his car and retrieves one of the jackets he’s left in the backseat, helping Chan put it on before answering.

“I don’t know,” Jihoon answers truthfully. “I’ve done everything they asked me to, purely because I don’t care what happens,” he says, “but this involves another person. I don’t want to force that girl to be with me purely because we’re both business pieces in our parents’ game of ‘who can have the most money’.”

Chan smiles against the wooden railing, cheek squished against it as he looks at his brother in the dim light. “You’re really kind, hyung,” he says softly.

Jihoon looks at him quizzically. “Y’know, Raina-noona said the same thing to me today,” he says, “weird,”

“It’s the truth,” Chan laughs softly.

“I think you’re mistaken,” Jihoon makes a face. Chan laughs again and Jihoon finds himself smiling. Chan’s laughter warms his heart like nothing else can. 

_Maybe I am kind_ , Jihoon thinks as he lunges at his brother and Chan darts away with a yelp, before bursting out into bell like laughter. _All I know is that I don’t want anyone else to go through this hell like I have to._

He chases after Chan, the two of them running circles around the lookout platform and Jihoon’s car, Chan making faces at Jihoon and laughing as he dodges Jihoon’s hands and runs off again.

_All I know is that I want to protect this laughter, protect this innocence that I never had the chance to keep_.

When Jihoon manages to catch his brother, he pushes him to the ground and climbs on top of him, tickling him relentlessly as Chan gasps for breath between laughter and begs for mercy. Jihoon pauses for a moment, takes in Chan in his jacket, hair messed up as he lies on the wooden platform of the lookout, eyes bright and shining as he stares up at Jihoon in relief, thinking he's been spared.

_I’ll go through hell as many times as I need to, so long as Chan can keep smiling like this_.

“Nope!” Jihoon says before going back to his tickle torture while Chan screams, laughing hysterically and trying to wriggle out of Jihoon’s grasp.

Jihoon can’t keep the smile off his face.


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i have an assignment due this week so i wont be able to update later, so here's your early update :)

Like he says, Jihoon doesn’t turn up at Healing the whole of the next week. Seungcheol only gets a call at 2AM a couple of times, when he’s closing up and Jihoon takes a breather for ten minutes. Sometimes, Jihoon doesn’t even call him, and Seungcheol falls asleep next to his phone, wondering if Jihoon is still working away in a tiny little office in the middle of the city.

It’s Saturday night and they’re preparing to open up when Jeonghan slides up beside him and asks if he’s busy on Tuesday night.

Healing doesn’t open on Mondays and Tuesdays, so Seungcheol often spends those evenings either catching up on sleep or working an odd job sometimes.

“This coming Tuesday? No, I don’t have anything,” Seungcheol says. Jeonghan pumps a fist in the air.

“Want to waiter for the evening? I have a friend who’s a waiter for a function hosting company and they need a couple of extra people - probably one off, but the pay is good,” Jeonghan says. “I can’t work that night, but I thought you might want it,”

Seungcheol smiles. “Sure, sounds good,” he says, and Jeonghan passes his friend’s contact details over.

Seungcheol gets the details the next day. Mansae Enterprises is holding their Annual General Meeting, and it’s an extravagant affair. They hold the meeting at a hotel ballroom, with a lavish three course dinner, while reporting their yearly figures, doing a fundraiser for their associated charity, and discussing future business plans.

It would be a long night, but Seungcheol just had to be there to serve dishes of delicately arranged food, top up wine glasses and show people where the bathroom was, and he’d get paid well for it.

On Tuesday night, Seungcheol is dressed in a simple white dress shirt and black slacks - his uniform for Healing as well - gets given an apron and told a rundown of the events and other important facts. Then they’re setting up for the evening, pulling out chairs and tablecloths and setting shiny cutlery next to fine china plates.

Then the people arrive. Seungcheol carries a tray of wine that could probably pay his rent for the month and smiles pleasantly at all the people in suits and elegant dresses. It’s not the most exciting work, but it’s fine. Seungcheol doesn’t get phased when someone important arrives, flanked by two bodyguards, and everyone begins to greet him; just keeps offering wine and champagne to the people who aren’t craning their necks to see the person. He hears someone whisper it’s the CEO.

“Wine?” Seungcheol offers to a lady who wordlessly takes a glass before going back to talking to her companion.

“Isn’t his son the head sales manager? Is he going to take over soon?”

“Mr Lee isn’t young,” her companion replies as Seungcheol hovers nearby, no one else to offer wine to. “It’s pretty well known that he’ll pass the company on to his son soon, though I think I heard someone say they’re waiting for him to finish some further study first.”

“Further study while working as the head sales manager? Is that even possible?” the woman says. Seungcheol doesn’t hear the continuation as he gets called over to help mop up a spill on the other side of the room.

Seungcheol is carrying the soiled tablecloth to the back when he sees a flash of brown hair between all the dark suits. He dismisses it quickly, going back to his work, carrying a new tablecloth to the tall bar table, even though no one would notice a fresh tablecloth on the table in the far corner of the foyer area.

He’s just picked up his tray of wine again, ready to offer it to people again, when he sees him.  
Jihoon.

He’s wearing a slightly different suit to normal, hair dyed brown and styled impeccably, but it’s Jihoon. He’s smiling but it’s... cold. So cold.

Seungcheol almost shudders just seeing it, and he isn't even the one receiving it. Jihoon’s smile is pleasant enough, making his eyes crinkle nicely, and showing some pretty white teeth, but it's _cold_. Totally devoid of emotion.

The smile doesn't reach his eyes, doesn't make those eyes twinkle like Seungcheol has seen them do when Jihoon laughs at Seungcheol's lame jokes.

Is it really Jihoon?

There's no denying it though, everything else is the same - his face, the way he carries himself. He even hears someone talking to him and saying his name, and he can sort of hear Jihoon’s soft voice amongst the clamour, and it’s the same.

It has to be the same Jihoon, even if this one smiles so coldly and has an empty look in his eyes.

Seungcheol is so distracted, he almost doesn’t notice someone taking a wine glass from his tray. He hurriedly apologizes and tries to focus back on his work. But it’s mindless work, and his mind wanders.

Everyone starts filing into the ballroom, and Seungcheol loses sight of Jihoon in the crowd.

He doesn’t think much of it though - it’s not like he would greet Jihoon, even if Jihoon saw him as well. It wouldn’t do for Seungcheol, a mere waiter at a function, to greet an employee at an AGM, especially since it seems like Jihoon isn’t just another desk worker - a lot of people are coming up to him and talking to him.

Seungcheol continues to go about his work, serving food to people. Jihoon isn’t on one of the tables he’s serving, and Seungcheol doesn’t dwell on Jihoon, focusing on being careful not to spill sauces on anyone’s suit or dress, and to stack plates in the most efficient manner so he can make less trips.

The CEO gets up between the entreè and the main course. Seungcheol spares him a glance because they have a small break between now and main course - the company executives have to present their yearly reports before the main course is to be served.

Mr Lee is a man with greying hair, but with a formidable gaze, and an aura that demands attention and respect. Seungcheol listens to him welcome the guests and talk about their successful year, about their hopes and dreams, before insisting that other people would present these in more detail and show why he has faith in a bright future of Mansae Enterprises.

There’s applause as he introduces the next person. “We’ll begin with sales, of course. So please welcome our head sales manager, Lee Jihoon,”

Seungcheol feels his blood run cold. It can’t be….

But Jihoon, the Jihoon he saw outside, is stepping onto the stage, and bowing gracefully to the CEO, and then to the audience, before he steps up to the podium.

He introduces himself and smiles that same cold smile that makes Seungcheol fidget a little, uncomfortable. Jihoon scans the room as he rattles off about achieving goals and meeting sales targets with ease. He’s just finishing his introduction when his eyes land on Seungcheol, standing to one side of the room, next to a couple of other waiters.

Seungcheol knows he sees him, because Jihoon’s eyes widen just the slightest bit before he clears his throat and goes back to his report. Meanwhile Seungcheol is struggling to process the information he’s given.

Jihoon is the head sales manager of Mansae Enterprises, one of the biggest companies in the country. Jihoon is the son of the CEO, poised to take over the company probably in the next few years.

Is it really the same Jihoon he knows? Who insists that you can eat black bean noodles with spicy ramen even though he doesn’t like spicy food? Who laughed, carefree and unreserved, when Seungcheol imitated a dog video Jeonghan showed him the other day?

Jihoon finishes his address after several minutes, introducing the marketing manager and then stepping to the side of the stage to stand beside the CEO, to watch the rest of the speeches. The CEO leans over to say something to him as he takes his place, Jihoon nodding wordlessly, before the two fall silent as the marketing manager begins to speak.

But Seungcheol isn’t listening or paying attention, so he sees the way Jihoon’s gaze sometimes flickers over to the side of room where he stands. 

After the marketing manager, there’s a few other people who speak, and then Seungcheol is hurried away to start preparing to serve the main course. The fundraising for the charity is held after the main course, people offering three times the price of normal things. It makes Seungcheol dizzy just thinking how many months of rent he could pay for with that kind of money. 

Then they serve dessert and offer tea and coffee and biscuits and then people begin to leave. Of course, they can only pack away so much while there are still guests, and so many people simply stand around in the hall, talking. 

It’s nearing 1AM before the hotel floor manager begins to, politely, usher people out.

Seungcheol continues collecting abandoned napkins and empty glasses, helping the other waiters carry heavy tablecloths and gorgeous flower arrangements left on the table, stack chairs and pack up tables.

It’s past two in the morning before the event organising manager tiredly lets them go and Seungcheol grabs his jacket and checks his phone absently as he leaves the ballroom. He isn’t sure why he’s surprised to see a message from Jihoon.

_Come down to the basement carpark when you’re done. I want to talk. Please._

Seungcheol hesitates for a moment, before turning and heading to the lifts.

 _ok_ he messages back as the lift arrives without a sound and descends down to the carpark silently.

Jihoon is sitting on his car bonnet, a few spots away from the doorway. Seungcheol hesitates again, because he sees all the little things he didn’t notice before - the expensive suit Jihoon wears, the way his hair is pushed back like the company executive that he is - and he thinks about how he wouldn’t know how to talk to him like this. At the moment, Jihoon looks like the person Seungcheol can never be associated with, never be seen with. If Seungcheol is the bottom of the chain in a company, Jihoon is the top.

Jihoon catches his eye and smiles tiredly as Seungcheol steps up to him. “Get in the car?” he asks, as he opens his car door. It's not really a question.

“I can take the subway,” Seungcheol says softly, standing by the car.

Jihoon’s sigh is exasperated as he runs a hand through his hair and messes it up.

“Seungcheol, please. Just get in the car so we can get out of this hell hole and I can speak without feeling like there’s a knife at my throat,”

Seungcheol lowers his gaze and wordlessly gets in the car. Jihoon pulls out of the carpark and then softly asks where he lives. Seungcheol hesitates before he answers quietly. Jihoon doesn’t make a comment on the suburb far from the city centre, an area with old, dirty buildings. Jihoon just follows Seungcheol’s instructions until they’re sitting in Jihoon’s car outside his rundown apartment block, silent and not moving.

“I’m sure you have questions,” Jihoon says, breaking the silence. “So go ahead.”

Seungcheol pauses a moment before he asks, “Are you really the heir to the company?”

Jihoon sucks in a sharp breath, clearly not aware Seungcheol knew that. “Unfortunately so,” he says, expression pained, face looking tired in the harsh light of the street lamp outside that floods into the car.

Jihoon sighs. “I’m sorry, for not telling you.” After a moment, he adds, “I understand if you’re mad.”

“I don’t know if I am mad at you or not,” Seungcheol admits. “I mean, it’s not like you lied to me exactly - you just kept it very vague and left out some details. But I just… I don’t understand why.”

“What do you mean?”

“Why… why me? Why would you…?”

Jihoon smiles wryly. “Why do I talk to you? Why did I became friends with you?” he asks and Seungcheol nods. Jihoon laughs, and it almost sounds bitter.

“Because I have none. I don’t have friends, Seungcheol. Soonyoung is the only exception, and that's because he's in a similar position. Other than him, I don’t do anything except work and sleep and sometimes eat. People either hate me for my mere existence, or pretend to like me because they want something from me. It’s tiring to constantly try to understand the motives of everyone you meet,”

He takes a deep breath, turns to look at Seungcheol and gives him a tired smile. “You made me believe that I could be normal. That I could be enough, just being me,” 

Seungcheol can see the lines of tiredness and stress that have marked his face, and thinks Jihoon carries a weight too heavy for his age. 

“I was comfortable talking to you, because you didn’t know who I was, and you didn’t care. You were nice to me just for the fact I was another person. I didn’t have to be anyone special for you to talk to me, for you to be nice to me.”

“It was a nice feeling,” he looks down at his hands in his lap, like looking at Seungcheol is too hard a task, “it still is.“

Silence spins out, as Seungcheol doesn’t answer and Jihoon doesn’t know what else to say. Eventually, he takes a deep breath and says, “I understand if you don’t want to continue this…. Friendship or whatever, though,” another deep breath. “I don’t want any repercussions of who I am to hurt you in any way,”

Seungcheol chuckles at that, the first sort of response he’s given to any of Jihoon’s words and Jihoon doesn’t know what to make of it. He stares at Seungcheol, who is looking at him with a tired but gentle smile, like Jihoon is a small child who’s made a naive mistake.

“How could you ever have any repercussions on me? I’m a nobody, Jihoon. If anything, I think you being seen with me will have more repercussions on you,”

“You’re not a nobody,” is Jihoon’s instant response and Seungcheol smiles a little brighter at that, heart warming at Jihoon’s immediate defence - even though the insult came from Seungcheol himself. 

Jihoon sighs and opens and closes his mouth a couple of times, as if trying to find the right words. “I’m constantly watched, people might … ask you things if we continue talking, being friends,”

 _So let’s stop being friends and be something more,_ Seungcheol almost says. He stops himself at the last moment.

“I’m sure it’ll be reciprocated,” Seungcheol says instead, “I’m sure you’ll get asked questions if people see you with me. It might be unsightly,”

“You’re not unsightly,” Jihoon says, defence immediate again. He sighs and runs a hand down his face, looking tired and several years older than his actual age.

“I guess, now that you know, I just want you to know the full extent of everything that might come with… knowing me,” Jihoon says softly, turning to look at Seungcheol. 

He just gives the brunette a warm smile. “And I’m telling you that I can handle what may come, but you need to know what might be coming for you too,” he answers softly.

Jihoon smiles softly, a warm smile that finally stops looking so tired. “Thank you for worrying, but I’m stronger than I look, Seungcheol.”

Seungcheol laughs quietly. “I’m sure,” he says. Seungcheol glances at the clock. It’s nearly three in the morning now. “You should go home. You have work tomorrow,”

“So do you,” Jihoon answers back. Seungcheol just shrugs.

“We’d both better get some rest then,” he says and Jihoon nods.

“Goodnight, Jihoon,”

“Goodnight, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol nods, and opens his door, but hesitates before getting out of the car. He suddenly turns and reaches over to ruffle Jihoon’s perfect hair, earning a squeak of protest from him. 

“The hair looks good, by the way,” he says, smiling, before getting out of the car, waving as he disappears into the dark entrance to his apartment block. He stands in the shadows, out of sight, watching as Jihoon sighs in his now empty car, before composing himself and driving off. Seungcheol watches his sleek car disappear into the dark night.

Seungcheol doesn’t understand why his heart feels so heavy.

 

Seungcheol doesn’t expect to see Jihoon again soon after the AGM, but he turns up at Healing the next day, just after closing, appearing by Seungcheol’s side as he waves bye to Yejin, already safely in her car. She smiles at Jihoon, waving, as she drives off.

When Seungcheol turns to stare at him, Jihoon just gives him a tired smile 

“Why are you here?” Seungcheol asks dumbly and the edge of Jihoon’s mouth quirks up, like he’s amused at the question.

He shrugs and starts walking in one direction, Seungcheol numbly following.

“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks, worry beginning to gnaw at him. Jihoon’s silence is eating at him, though he’s not sure why. The same way seeing Jihoon drive off last night, tired and alone, made his chest heavy.

Jihoon takes a bit too long to reply, but he does, voice soft in the night air. “Yeah, I’m okay,” Jihoon murmurs. “I just didn’t want to go home,”

“Why?”

Jihoon looks at him blankly, and Seungcheol really hates that look. As if Jihoon doesn’t know how to show expression beyond that of a mannequin. He’s seen Jihoon look at him in disgust, in disbelief. He’s seen Jihoon laugh.

He knows Jihoon looks much better laughing.

“Are you running from something?” Seungcheol asks. Jihoon shrugs again, apathetic. “Running away won’t solve anything,” he says softly

Jihoon stares at his feet, stepping in front of each other slowly along the pavement. He thinks about Chan’s message three hours ago, telling him Mr and Mrs Park of Royal Imports were at their house, and their daughter was with them. “I thought that too,” Jihoon murmurs, “but I’ve always stood my ground, and only ever made the situation worse by staying put. So what’s the point? Nothing good has ever come out of facing the problem head on, so why would I do it again?”

Seungcheol thinks for a moment, looks at Jihoon, who looks so tired and worn out by a problem he can’t explain to Seungcheol.

“Then run,” he says and Jihoon looks up at him. Seungcheol finds himself grinning, though he’s not sure why. “Let’s run,”

“Wha - ?” Jihoon barely has a chance to even ask before Seungcheol has a hand around his wrist and is tugging him along, the two of them running down the empty streets of the city. They run, and run, and Jihoon is too out of breath to ask where they’re going or why they’re running.

It’s only several blocks later that Seungcheol finally slows down and Jihoon nearly collapses to the ground, panting as he leans against a wall and tries to catch his breath.

“W-What,” Jihoon gasps, “what was that for? Where are we?”

They look like they’re just in another part of the city. It’s not like they got that far, really. Jihoon just doesn’t really exercise, so running several blocks without stopping is killing him.

“Nowhere,” Seungcheol throws him a grin, though he’s gasping for breath too, leaning heavily on his knees.

“What?” Jihoon splutters, straightening just slightly to stare at Seungcheol.

“You said you wanted to run away, so I made you run,” Seungcheol says, laughing brightly.  
Jihoon gapes at him and Seungcheol laughs again.

“That makes absolutely no sense,” Jihoon mutters. 

“That’s the point,” Seungcheol grins brightly and Jihoon looks away for some reason.

“Come on, I’ll walk you back to your car,” Seungcheol says, but there’s mirth in his eyes and Jihoon doesn’t know what to say. So he doesn’t say anything and the two of them fall into step beside each other.

They make it a full block before Seungcheol speaks up. “Why don’t you usually run?”

Jihoon takes a long moment to remember their earlier conversation, about running, about standing his ground. He stares at his feet, stepping in front of each other as they walk along the footpath.

“Because there was no reason to,” he says quietly. “I would have a bad situation in front of me, but there was nothing better to run to, nothing to fight for, so I just… stayed put.”

“Nothing to fight for?” Seungcheol asks quietly.

Jihon sighs, realising how nihilistic it sounds. He doesn’t need anyone to know exactly how nihilistic he thinks.

“Well, I have my brother, but usually he’s right beside me in the middle of the bad situation, so I don’t want to leave him,” Jihoon answers.

“Just one brother?” he asks. Jihoon nods. “Older or younger?” Jihoon glances at him to see a small, gentle smile on his lips.

“Younger. He’s seventeen,” Jihoon answers. Then, as he thinks of Chan, he smiles a little.

“You’re close,” Seungcheol observes from Jihoon’s smile.

“I want to protect him from the bad things I see,” Jihoon shrugs, “even though we don’t actually see each other much,”

“How come?”

“I have work and my classwork, he has school. When we don’t have either, one of us is off somewhere representing our parents - usually me.”

“Your parents ask a lot of you?” Seungcheol asks.

Jihoon wonders how Seungcheol is able to make the conversation flow to something so personal so easily. He answers anyway. “Depends how you see it,” he replies. 

“How do you see it?”

Jihoon pauses to think for a moment. “If I can spare Chan from having to go through the same thing, then I’ll do whatever they want,” Jihoon says.

Seungcheol smiles. They’re almost back to the bar by now. “You’re really kind, Jihoon,”

“You’re the third person to tell me that in like, a couple of weeks,” Jihoon says, face furrowed in confusion. “I don’t understand,”

“You’re putting yourself out there to protect your brother. That’s admirable,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon’s face scrunches up. “I don’t really see how. Anyone else would do the same,”

Seungcheol smiles as they arrive at Jihoon’s car. “That’s what you hope, but the reality is that not everyone does,”

“Would you?” Jihoon asks immediately and Seungcheol isn’t sure why he hesitates. Maybe because he knows the past where no one ever did it for him.

“If I had a brother I loved as much as you love yours, then yes,” Seungcheol answers. He nods at Jihoon’s car. “Go home, to your brother,”

Jihoon glances at it. It’s late enough now that Mr and Mrs Park would have left already. He would be fine to go home, but part of hm didn’t want to leave just yet. “Want a lift?” he asks quietly. Seungcheol smiles and shakes his head, hand reaching into his pocket to wave his cigarette packet at the businessman. Jihoon scrunches his face at the sight of the white box but doesn’t say anything.

“See you tomorrow?” Seungcheol asks as Jihoon opens the door to his car. 

Jihoon smiles tiredly. “I’ll try,” he says, and then he gets into his car, smiles at Seungcheol once more and then drives off into the night.

Seungcheol watches him, heart not feeling as heavy as the night before. He pulls out a cigarette, lights it and breathes in tobacco. He exhales a cloud of smoke before he sets off to the subway, mind still thinking about Jihoon’s tired smile.


	6. six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: my (awful) assignment has been handed in and i only have one more test before exams in a few weeks (cry), BUT i still have most of the next few chapters written / planned, so i should still be able to keep a relatively regular schedule :3 anyway :3 things are starting :3

Seungcheol turns from making a margarita when he hears a sharp bark of laughter, quickly muffled as he sees Jihoon clamp a hand over his mouth, though he and Jeonghan are still visibly giggling. Seungcheol raises an eyebrow at them and Jeonghan waves him off, leaning over the bar to whisper something in Jihoon’s ear. Jihoon dissolves into more muffled laughter, Jeonghan barely collecting himself enough to serve someone who approaches the bar.

“Really that funny?” Seungcheol asks when he steps over to Jihoon, Jeonghan now occupied in making a drink.

Jihoon removes his hand from his mouth, though his grin is still a little giddy. “Jeonghan-hyung is really funny,” he says, “he was telling me about this guy who …”

Seungcheol tunes out, too captivated with the way Jihoon animatedly talks. After seeing Jihoon at that AGM function, seen how cold and blank Jihoon can look, Seungcheol has new found appreciation for Jihoon’s liveliness. Seungcheol really likes the way Jihoon talks, the way he laughs.

“..... and then he said, “Well, maybe it’s just me!” and then left!” Jihoon finishes, breaking into breathless laughter.

Seungcheol smiles fondly, not even caring that he didn't understand the punchline of the supposedly hilarious tale.

“Another?” he asks Jihoon instead, nodding at his empty glass.

“Probably not, I have to drive,” Jihoon grins and Seungcheol turns around to grab the soft drink tap.

“How come you're not as funny as Jeonghan-hyung?” Jihoon asks after a moment, while Seungcheol pours his drink. Seungcheol looks up to see his smile is playful.

“Why don't you call me hyung?” Seungcheol teases back.

Jihoon falters. “Are you older than me?” he asks, eyes widening a little comically.

“I'm the same age as Jeonghan, so probably,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon looks pale.

“Jihoon, relax, I was joking,” Seungcheol laughs, “I don't mind, really. I was the one who told you to just call me Seungcheol.”

“I’m sorry, I thought we were the same age, I didn't realise - ,” Jihoon splutters.

“I said it's fine, don't worry,” Seungcheol smiles, not even thinking before reaching over the bar to place a hand over Jihoon’s to reassure him. Jihoon stares at their hands and Seungcheol pretends it's not a big deal, even though his heart is thudding in his chest.

He withdraws it and hands Jihoon his drink. Jihoon slides the money over and Seungcheol goes to the cashier to get his change.

“Are you sure?” Jihoon asks tentatively when Seungcheol returns with his change.

“Yeah,” Seungcheol says, with a smile. “Makes it feel less formal between us, like we’re really close friends,”

Jihoon seems to flush happily at the words, like it pleases him to hear that they're close.

“So,” Jeonghan slides up to them both, “did you finish that assignment you were telling me about?”

Jihoon groans, “Yes, by the skin of my teeth,” he grumbles, beginning to tell Jeonghan about how the instructions were totally unclear and how even the grammar was all wrong, and it was totally unprofessional of the professor to not check - 

Seungcheol tunes out again, but he can't help the smile on his face as he watches Jihoon.

He can feel his heart slipping from his grasp at this complex human in front of him, carrying the weight of the future of a multi-million dollar company and yet complains about assignments with Jeonghan like he’s just a normal young adult.

He feels his heart falling, and he wonders if Jihoon is going to catch it.

 

“ - and you're not even listening to me, are you?”

Jihoon snaps out of his daze. “Of course I was,” he answers immediately.

“Uhuh,” Soonyoung is dripping with sarcasm as he looks at Jihoon across the coffee table.

It's Thursday morning, and one of the few things Soonyoung insists on (and Jihoon agrees to) is the morning coffee they have every month or so, depending on when Jihoon can make it.

“I was listening!” Jihoon protests.

“Sure you were, that's why you didn't even bat an eyelash when I said I was going to sell my liver on the black market for a motorcycle,” Soonyoung drawls. Jihoon blinks.

“You said that?”

“No, but you wouldn't have known if I did or didn't because you weren't listening,” Soonyoung says. Then he sighs, annoyance sliding off his face and it's replaced with a small, tired smile.

“What's on your mind? You're distracted,” he says. “Is it your parents?”

Jihoon shakes his head. It's not his parents, or Chan, or the company, but he doesn't know how to put into words the weird emotions messing with his head.

His brows furrow as he tries to think of how to explain it, or bring it up in a way that makes sense.

“You’re thinking too much, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says, “just say the first thing on your mind,”

Jihoon glances at him for a split second before blurting out, “Friendship is weird,”

Soonyoung’s eyebrows raise until they’re hidden by his blond fringe. “Okay, next thought?” he says slowly.

Jihoon splutters, unsure how to explain and Soonyoung would be worried if it wasn’t incredibly amusing watching the always calm and collected Jihoon confused to the point of being at a loss for words.

“Uhm,” Jihoon tries, “can… can friendships feel different between different people?”

Now Soonyoung is surprised. “Well, yes. Your friendship with different people would be different because of your personalities and the way you interact differs between each person,”

Jihoon lets out a relieved sigh. “Okay,” he says, staring at his coffee cup, “so it’s normal then,”

“What is?”

Jihoon shrugs. “You know, wanting to be around someone a lot, thinking about them even when you just saw them,”

Soonyoung raises an eyebrow. “Well, it can be…” he murmurs and Jihoon glances at him. Soonyoung tries not to smirk. “Or, y’know, it could be…. More than friendship?”

Jihoon blinks dumbly, and Soonyoung sighs. For all of Jihoon’s perfect grades, extra-curricular activity and amazing work reports, sometimes he was really……

“Jihoon, is this about that bartender at Healing?”

Soonyoung swears he can see the pink creeping up Jihoon’s face like water filling a bucket. He almost laughs. Almost. Instead he leans forward, voice dropping low and soft, almost a whisper.

“Jihoon, listen,” he says, “think what you want, but I have never seen you click with someone so easily, and that was just watching you two over a couple of nights. And yeah, maybe you guys just match really well, and are really good friends, but have you ever considered...more?”

Jihoon stares back at him, lips slightly parted, but he doesn’t move or say anything. 

Soonyoung continues, “Jihoon, I’m just saying, have you thought about it? Liking him, more than as a friend?”

“I - ” Jihoon splutters and Soonyoung watches the flush reappear across his nose. He tries to bite back his smile.

“Think about it, Jihoon,” Soonyoung says softly as he gets to his feet, “about being with him, as more than a friend; and think about if you want it.”

And he leaves Jihoon at the cafe with pink cheeks and a head full of thoughts.

 

Shiyoon approaches the group, all of them already trickling thin trails of smoke towards the sky. Seungcheol offers him the lighter and he lights up, sighing heavily.

“What’s up, Shiyoon-ah?” one of the workers asks. “Is boss hounding you again?”

“Nah, just something at home,” Shiyoon answers, exhaling a cloud of smoke.

“Do you need money or something?” another asks.

Shiyoon waves them both off. “No, nothing like that,” he says, taking another drag of the cigarette before continuing. “You know how I’m staying with my sister while I’m finding another apartment? Yeah, well, yesterday, her brat of a son comes home with another skinny kid and I thought, “Oh nice, he’s brought a friend home to do homework,” or whatever. Then, next minute, he’s walking into the kitchen and telling us the skinny ass is his boyfriend.”

Seungcheol nearly chokes on the smoke of his cigarette. He manages to make his widened eyes his only visible response. In his chest, his heart is hammering - and not in a good way.

Especially when the rest of his co-workers voice out protests, looks of disgust and disapproval all over their faces. Seungcheol feels cold despite the warm sun on his neck.

“I swear,” Shiyoon continues, scowling, “I was going to pound him, knock some sense into him, but my sister reacted first, saying she loved him and hugging him and ergh, it was disgusting,” 

“Later, I told her how it was wrong, and she nearly kicked me out for even saying it,” Shiyoon rolls his eyes, before taking another drag of his cigarette.

The rest of the group are murmuring amongst themselves, but Seungcheol doesn’t need to hear the conversations to know they’re agreeing with Shiyoon.

“Still want to pound the kid,” Shiyoon mutters around the cigarette between his lips.

“But he’s your nephew,” Seungcheol splutters before he can stop himself.

Suddenly everyone is looking at him and Seungcheol stammers to control his voice, “I-I mean, you can tell him when he’s done things that are... wrong, but is physical punishment the best way?”

Shiyoon waves his hand holding the cigarette stick in front of Seungcheol’s face. Seungcheol nearly goes cross-eyed, following it. “Listen, Seungcheol, I know my nephew, and he won’t listen to me for a second unless a couple of bruises are showing, ya hear?”

Seungcheol feels his heart tremble. He tries for a bashful smile. “Y-You’d know him best,” he concedes and Shiyoon nods, turning away from him. Everyone’s eyes leave him when one of the other workers start talking about his nephew, who’s supposedly coming last in his class.

Seungcheol takes a shaky breath and tries to listen attentively, but his mind is elsewhere.

It’s hard not to think of the past when it’s left behind scars, emotional and physical. Seungcheol closes his eyes and tries not to think about the time it was so bad he woke up in hospital.

“Seungcheol?”

He opens his eyes, and a couple of them are looking at him. “Are you okay?” the guy next to him asks.

Seungcheol nods hurriedly. “Yeah, yeah, just trying to enjoy the break properly,” he grins. If any of them notice it’s a little shaky, they don’t say.

It’s been such a long time since Seungcheol has been reminded about that part of his past, and he can’t help dwelling on it.

 

Jihoon kills the engine and sighs. The silence of the early morning swirls around him, but he doesn’t move to get out of the car.

In front of him, he sees the large expanse of his family home - the tall brick and marble stairs and the immaculate garden in front.

Home.

The only part of it is that warm and makes him think of ‘home’ fondly is Chan. Everything else makes him on edge, anxious, scared.

Home is meant to be the place where you feel comfortable, where you feel at ease, don’t have to hold up that mask you show to the rest of the world. And yet, Jihoon always feels like he is even more wary whenever he’s home than anywhere else - even the office is less stifling, if only because Jihoon can bury himself in reports if he doesn't want to talk to anyone.

And yet now, the only time he feels comfortable, is when he's at a bar downtown, talking to a bartender with a bright smile. Healing and Seungcheol are more comforting to Jihoon than his ‘home’. The bar is a place where people go to get lost, but Jihoon finds himself.

He finds it ironic.

And yet he can't deny that his heart feels soothed with Seungcheol. Especially now that Seungcheol knows his identity, Jihoon has nothing to hide from him (except the gun and his thoughts when he holds the gun, but no one ever needs to know about those).

“What does this mean?” Jihoon whispers to the silence of his car in the emptiness of the early morning.

Something in him whispers the answer, but Jihoon doesn’t listen to it, just sighs and steps out of the car and enters the cold, unwelcoming house.

 

“You’re spacing out, Coupsie,”

Seungcheol snaps out of his thoughts as he hears Yejin’s voice beside him.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, going back to unstacking chairs.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” she asks, leaning against the bar and watching him carefully, though there’s a teasing grin on her lips.

Seungcheol wants to lie and say something stupid, like what he ate for dinner or something, but Yejin would know he’s lying, and she’s probably the only person he can be truly honest with.

It doesn’t take him long to decide how to answer. “The past,” he says quietly and Yejin’s teasing grin slides off her face.

“Did something happen?” she asks quickly, expression concerned now.

Seungcheol shakes his head. “No, no. I mean, not really, but it’s that… I’m thinking about the future and… I keep hesitating because of the past,”

Yejin smiles gently and comes over to rest her small hands on his on the stack of chairs. “The past is in your memories to teach you things so you don’t make the same mistakes, but the past won’t always repeat itself,” she says soothingly, “Different people, different places, different times - they all change the situation, and so just because something happened a certain way in the past, doesn’t mean it’ll happen the same way in the future,”

“I didn’t even say what I was thinking about, but you always seem to know what to say,” Seungcheol murmurs and Yejin smiles warmly.

“I’m just fabulous like that,” she says mockingly, flipping her hair over her shoulder and accidentally smacking Eric in the face as he walks past.

Yejin squeaks and hurriedly apologizes, following Eric into the back room as he rubs his cheek and insists it’s fine. Seungcheol just chuckles and goes back to setting up.

He knows what the past told him - that he was disgusting and wrong - but he hopes that Jihoon is enough of a change to the equation that the answer will be different.

The question becomes less of if he wants to be with Jihoon (he does. Badly.) and more of a question of if he would tell him, and how.

Seungcheol goes over their conversations in his head, thinks about Jihoon’s smile and bright laughter, how Jihoon said he felt like he could be enough with Seungcheol.

_Does that mean anything though?_ Seungcheol wonders. Jihoon seems quite withdrawn and doesn’t seem overly sociable, so Seungcheol doesn’t think he has much competition except the blond kid Hoshi that Jihoon calls Soonyoung and seems to have known forever. Still, Seungcheol has doubts.

Would someone like Jihoon, who probably meets hundreds upon hundreds of rich, well-educated, respectable men and women every week…. would someone like that even consider Seungcheol?

Jihoon clearly didn’t mind being around him, but being a friend and something more was so, very different. And Seungcheol wasn't sure what Jihoon thought about that difference.

 

Soonyoung chooses an evening he knows Jihoon has a class presentation and won’t be coming to Healing, or at least, not until later.

“Hey,” he grins at the black haired bartender. “I don’t know if I properly introduced myself. I’m Hoshi, Jihoon’s childhood friend,” he offers a hand over the bar.

The bartender blinks at him for a moment before taking Soonyoung’s hand. “Seungcheol,” he says softly, still looking confused.

“I don’t remember a booth booking for tonight,” he says, stepping to the side to grab the reservations book to check, but Soonyoung laughs and waves it off.

“I’m not here for a booth tonight. I’m not with friends. It’s just me,” he smiles a little and Seungcheol slowly moves back to his previous position in front of Soonyoung.

“Oh,” he says softly, confusion and caution clear in his expression.

Soonyoung just smiles his disarming smile. “Just wanted to talk to you about Jihoon,” he says.

Seungcheol glances around the bar. Jeonghan is further down the bar attending a customer, but it’s still relatively early, so it’s not too busy yet.

“Do you want to go somewhere else or - ?”

“No, here is fine,” Soonyoung smiles, “I’ll be quick,”

“Okay,” Seungcheol says slowly, putting aside the lemon he had been about to cut.

Soonyoung smiles again before speaking. “As his friend, I just wanted to let you know, if you don’t already, that Jihoon is super smart, but he’s also super naive. All he knows is school, work, and topics that fifty-year-old rich men discuss over expensive champagne,” Soonyoung says, quirky smile across his lips. “You’re pretty much his first friend aside from me, so you’re special to him,”

Seungcheol tries to think of an appropriate response, but Soonyoung continues before he comes up with an answer. “I guess what I’m trying to say,” he seems to be rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet as he speaks, body moving back and forth like a swinging jack in the box. “Is that you’re special to Jihoon. You’re a special person in his eyes, but I don’t know what you think of him,” Soonyoung smiles a little tiredly. “Do you think he’s just another customer, or is he special to you too?”

Seungcheol opens his mouth but Soonyoung holds up a hand. “I don’t need to know,” he smiles again and Seungcheol’s face crumples in confusion. “But I think you should tell that answer to Jihoon. Let him know what you think of him, because he’s …. pretty dense, honestly,” he chuckles. “You kind of have to spell it out for him really clearly for him to understand,”

“O...okay,” Seungcheol says. He doesn’t know what else to say.

Soonyoung smiles, seemingly satisfied, even though the smile never left his face to begin with.

“Well, I’ve said everything I’ve wanted to say, so I’ll be off now,” he beams and then bows a little before turning to leave.

“Hey!” Seungcheol calls out before he even realises what he’s doing. Soonyoung turns around, expression a calm sort of playfulness.

Seungcheol scrambles his brain for what he’s been meaning to ask Soonyoung since he first noticed his relationship with Jihoon.

“What are you to Jihoon? And he to you?”

Soonyoung’s calm smile twists up until it’s a little sly, kind of cunning. “Our bond goes way back, and it’s special in its own way, but I think the answer you’re looking for is that we’re more like brothers than the kind of special between you and Jihoon,”

And when he turns to leave, this time Seungcheol just watches him go, blond hair stark by the dark wood of the door.

He still has questions, but he thinks now he has enough answers to know what to do next.

He just hopes that he gets the answer he’s hoping for.


	7. seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: sorry this is late. I was meant to update a few days ago, but life was awful. I'll try to update another chap in the next few days to make up for it <3 enjoy /blows kisses/

Jihoon finds out about Seungcheol’s birthday because Jeonghan asks if he’s going to come to Healing later that week. When Jihoon looks confused, Jeonghan explains it’s Seungcheol’s birthday, and they were going to close a little earlier and throw him a mini party, and he wanted to see if Jihoon could come.

Jihoon puts it in his calendar, spends a precious hour between meetings finding a present, and on the Thursday evening, the day before Seungcheol’s birthday, he turns up to Healing at his usual time - a little before midnight. The plan was that just before midnight - when Jeonghan usually finished his shift and went home - they would ask Seungcheol to get some last minute supplies, and while he was out, they would shuffle the last of the customers away and decorate the bar.

Jihoon walks in through the doors at the same time Seungcheol walks out and they nearly collide in the entrance.

“Jihoon!” Seungcheol calls, tone distinctively happy.

Jihoon rights himself and smiles at him calmly. “Hi. Heading out?”

“Yeah, we just ran out of lemons, I don't even know how, but anyway, I'm just dashing down to the supermarket before it closes,” he says. Then he looks at Jihoon and his eyes crinkle as he beams happily. “Do you want to come with me?”

“Sure,” Jihoon says easily, “I just…” he falters, fingers curling into the plastic of the bag in his hand holding Seungcheol’s present. “I’ll put something back in my car,” he says eventually  
It’s then that Seungcheol notices the plastic bag Jihoon is holding.

“What’s that?” he asks, trying to peek. Jihoon shifts it behind his body and smiles disarmingly.

“Just something for Yejin-noona. She asked me to help her pick up something,” Jihoon says smoothly.

Seungcheol raises an eyebrow, clearly not buying it, but he just shrugs and they walk back to Jihoon’s car. Jihoon tosses the bag into the front seat, and they head down to the supermarket, conversation flowing easily as they walk side by side.

When they arrive, Seungcheol darts to one of the aisles quickly, clearly knowing where to go, while Jihoon gets distracted by the assortment of ready-made foods in one corner. It’s not his first time in a supermarket (it’s his second time) but it’s still fascinating. He’s still staring at all the types of frozen foods when Seungcheol comes back to collect him, holding a small bag of lemons.

He laughs softly at Jihoon’s serious concentration at the frozen pizzas and dumplings, before grabbing his wrist and tugging him over to the self-serve checkouts.

Jhoon goes bug-eyed, watching in amazement as Seungcheol scans the items himself and pays by pressing buttons on the screen before feeding it some cash. Seungcheol can’t stop laughing, clutching his stomach as they exit the supermarket a bit later, while Jihoon walks off quickly with flushed cheeks. Seungcheol just laughs some more and jogs to catch up to him, nudging his side as they fall into step.

They stop by Jihoon’s car for him to grab the plastic bag and Seungcheol tries in vain to steal a glance again, with Jihoon noticing and pulling the bag away while sticking out his tongue.

Seungcheol makes a face and they walk back to Healing, Seungcheol pouting the whole way. Jihoon grabs the edge of Seungcheol’s sleeve, just as he reaches for the door.

“I….” Jihoon’s cheeks are pink. It's past midnight now - it's Seungcheol’s birthday. “It’s for you,” he says, shoving the bag into Seungcheol’s chest. As Seungcheol looks bewildered, Jihoon mumbles a tiny, “Happy birthday,”

And Jihoon thinks it’s terrible, how he feels his heart splutter at the way Seungcheol’s face just _blooms_ into a bright smile, whole face lighting up.

“Really?” Seungcheol asks, almost childlike. He doesn’t ask how Jihoon knew, just reaches a hand into the plastic bag to the badly wrapped present inside. Jihoon could have easily paid someone to wrap it flawlessly, or even ask Raina, but he was too embarrassed to ask anyone for help, scared they’d ask who it was for (and Jihoon didn’t even know how to describe who Seungcheol was to him).

Jihoon slightly regrets that decision now, as Seungcheol stares at the crumpled, awkwardly wrapped present. But Seungcheol hasn’t stopped smiling, and he carefully opens the present, without ripping any of the wrapping, like it’s a delicate child to be held.

He laughs at the fluffy head that pokes out first and Jihoon finds himself smiling too.

The dog plush comes out first - a little brown fluffy thing - and then Seungcheol starts laughing hysterically at the second item - a packet of spaghetti.

Jihoon knows it looks ridiculous, but he hopes Seungcheol remembers the meaning behind both items. He flounders internally when Seungcheol doesn’t say anything, just stares at both items fondly. “You know, so you can have the pet dog you always wanted and - ” Jihoon begins.

“I’ll start measuring the bar tables in spaghetti until it drives Yejin-noona insane, don’t worry,” Seungcheol winks, grin playful.

Jihoon lets out a relieved sigh. The items seems stupid, and kind of random, but it was inside jokes between them, and he’s glad Seungcheol remembers.

Seungcheol carefully puts both items back into the bag and folds the wrapping very nicely before putting it beside the presents in the bag. Then he turns to Jihoon with a bright smile.

“Thank you, Jihoon,” he says, sounding truly sincere and Jihoon flushes happily. The awkward time spent at the supermarket to find the spaghetti packet was worth it.

“It’s not much. I didn’t know what to get you, but well, that’s what I thought of when I thought of you, so…” he says, scuffing the toe of his shoe against the pavement, head bent to watch the polished shoe against the grey concrete.

Jihoon is surprised when warm arms wrap around him and he finds himself in Seungcheol’s embrace, face at the juncture between Seungcheol’s shoulder and neck. The faint scent of fresh laundry and liquor radiates from Seungcheol and Jihoon finds himself smiling.

“It’s small, but it means a lot,” Seungcheol is saying. “So thank you,” he pulls away to grin brightly again and Jihoon wonders if Seungcheol is always smiling.

“I’ll just have to work harder to make you associate more than a dog plush and dry spaghetti with me,” Seungcheol laughs, pushing open the door to the bar.

Jihoon just smiles, not bothering to reply, as Seungcheol steps inside and everyone releases party poppers. Seungcheol screams and nearly falls over.

Jihoon helps Seungcheol stay upright, holding his arm, as Yejin, Jeonghan, Jisoo, Junhui and Eric all shout “Happy birthday!” and Yejin scuttles over to him with a cake and a single candle aglow on top.

“Y-You….” Seungcheol starts and Jihoon wonders if he’s going to get really emotional. Instead Seungcheol shouts “You tricked me!” pointing an accusing finger at Yejin.

Yejin and Jeonghan burst into laughter, and Jihoon smothers his laughter against Seungcheol’s arm.

“C’mon, Cheol,” Yejin says, inching the cake closer to his face. Eric walks to her side as Seungcheol closes his eyes for a moment and then blows out the candle. Everyone cheers, Eric takes the cake and the candle, and Yejin digs her fingers into the centre to smear a handful of cream cake onto Seungcheol’s face.

Seungcheol lets out a yell and retaliates, grabbing a handful and chasing after her, while Yejin screams and runs away.

Jihoon is nearly bent over in laughter, while Eric - the designated cake holder - splutters as he gets smothered in cake as everyone arms themselves with cake too.

Jihoon nearly misses Jeonghan trying to slide up beside him, a handful of cake hidden in one hand. Jeonghan still gets a smear across one cheek before he manages to run.

It’s a free-for-all cake fight in the bar, yet somehow there’s unspoken teams - everyone (except Jihoon) against Seungcheol. Which leads to Seungcheol hiding behind Jihoon as they get cornered, Jihoon with a meagre smear of cake in his hands, unsure who to attack.

“Yejin-noona,” Seungcheol hisses in his ear, like she’s the leader (she kind of is).

Jihoon just takes a nervous step back as Junhui inches forward.

“Seungcheol, I - I think this is the end,” Jihoon whispers, like they’re in a dramatic scene of a movie.

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this,” Seungcheol whispers back and Jihoon looks over his shoulder to see Seungcheol’s face hovering over his shoulder.

Their eyes meet and Jihoon smiles softly. Seungcheol returns it, eyes crinkled, right before Jihoon turns around to smear the tiny amount of cake in his hand across Seungcheol’s nose.

Jeonghan’s loud laughter resonates in the room as Seungcheol’s mouth drops open in betrayal. Jihoon drops to his knees, laughing breathlessly.

“Jihoon!” Seungcheol shrieks, dropping on top of him, straddling him and wrestling him back onto the floor. Jihoon is still laughing breathlessly, hands feebly trying to push Seungcheol off.

Yejin has grabbed one side of a table, holding onto it for dear life, as she laughs, tears in her eyes.

“Jisoo, bring the cake over!” Seungcheol says as he grabs both of Jihoon’s wrists. Jisoo, who somehow got custody of the cake and was hiding his laughter behind a delicate hand, now looks perplexed at the request. Jeonghan jumps in to grab it and brings it over to Seungcheol, who immediately scoops up half of the remaining cake.

Jihoon stares at his hand of cake with wide eyes, expression between horrified and challenging him to do it. Seungcheol grins and smears it right across his face - forehead to chin, with bits of sponge in his hair.

Jihoon splutters at the cream on his face and Seungcheol sits back, still straddling him, a smug grin on his face. Jihoon opens his eyes tentatively, licking the bit of cake that’s around his mouth before breaking into a bashful grin.

Seungcheol wonders since when did a cake-smeared face and hair with cream and sponge in it look so beautiful to him?

He supposes it’s just Jihoon that’s the exception.

 

After eating the tiny bit of cake remaining on the plate, and cleaning their faces (mostly) of cream, everyone sits at one of the booths and shares a drink, Yejin promising not to take it out of their pay.

Jihoon nurses a Simple cocktail, squished in a corner next to Jeonghan as Yejin stops their conversation midway to announce its time for the present.

Junhui immediately reaches around Seungcheol to cover his eyes as Yejin jumps up and out of the booth, Eric following to help her drag a box from behind the counter to the booth, in front of Seungcheol. It's not small, nearly the height of the table.

Yejin stands between the box and Seungcheol, effectively blocking him from seeing it. “Okay,” she says and Junhui releases him.

Seungcheol blinks a couple of times to get used to the light again, then his eyes fixate on Yejin in front of him.

She has this soft, fond smile on her face, like she's looking at a precious young child.

“We know you've been working hard to save for one, so we all pitched in and got you it instead,” she says.

Seungcheol’s eyes widen and his mouth drops open. “You - ,” he splutters but doesn't finish before Yejin steps aside and reveals the box. Seungcheol nearly falls out of the booth reaching for it. Jihoon cranes his neck around Jeonghan to see it better.

It takes him a moment, with Jeonghan realising and filling him in at the same moment.

“It's a TV. Seungcheol’s been saving up to buy one for a while now,” he says, smile across his face.

Jihoon’s heart is somewhere near the vicinity of his stomach. Seungcheol didn’t have a TV? He was _saving up_ to buy one? Exactly what was Seungcheol’s financial situation?

Seungcheol is on his knees beside the box, arms wrapped around it like it's a precious child.

“You got me a TV,” he whispers like if he speaks too loud it’ll disappear. Yejin just smiles, reaching over to pinch his cheeks.

“And don't you forget it,” she says.

Seungcheol gets to his feet and pulls her into a bone crushing hug.

“Never. Thank you so much, noona,” he murmurs into her hair. He doesn't let go for a long few moments.

“Hey! We pitched in too!” Jeonghan calls and Seungcheol releases her with a laugh.

“Yes, yes, of course,” he grins, and Jihoon wonders if it's the light or if Seungcheol has tears in his eyes. “Thank you everyone, for the present, and for being here, today and always,”

“Ayyyyyy, so cheesy,” Junhui chides, though the happy smile hasn't left his face. He tugs Seungcheol back into the booth and everyone goes back to talking and teasing over the rest of their drinks.

By the time Jisoo yawns for the first time, it's already past 2am, later than their usual closing hours, and Jeonghan murmurs he has class later.

Yejin immediately hustles everyone out of the booth and they clean the bar of all their things.

“I can give you guys a lift,” Yejin says to Jisoo and Jeonghan. “I’m giving Eric and Junhui one anyway. Oh but… Seungcheol needs a lift with that box and I only have four seats,”

“It's fine, noona, I can carry it - ” Seungcheol begins and Yejin sends him a glare.

“You are not carrying that on the subway at 2:30 in the morning, Choi Seungcheol,” she says sternly. “You'll get mugged and I will be personally responsible - ”

“You're not personally responsible for me - ” Seungcheol sighs.

“Uhm,” Jihoon interrupts their banter meekly. “I have a car too? I can send someone home?”

“Oh, that's right!” Yejin brightens, then she turns back to their small party with a frown contemplating.

“Well, you could send Jisoo, and Jeonghan - ”

“He can send me,” Seungcheol says. “He's given me a lift before, so he knows where to go. Besides, he can give me a lift to make up for caking me in the face,” Seungcheol says, smug smile sliding across his face again.

Jihoon scowls. “I don't owe you anything,” he mutters, punching Seungheol’s arm lightly.

“Did you see that?!” Seungcheol cries dramatically. Even Yejin rolls her eyes.

“Alright, birthday boy, go home with Jihoonie then. I'll take the other boys,” and then everyone bustles out of the bar and Yejin drags them all down to her car. Meanwhile Seungcheol carries the TV and Jihoon carries Seungcheol’s backpack and his own present.

“Okay there?” Seungcheol asks.

Jihoon laughs softly. “I should ask you that,” he says. “Come on,” and they head towards Jihoon’s car.

“Are you sure? I was only joking about you owing me a lift. I can still take the subway,” Seungcheol says as Jihoon opens the back doors and rearranges his assortment of ties into a designated black box.

Jihoon steps back onto the curb and sighs. “Seungcheol, please just co-operate for once without asking if it's okay a million times,” Jihoon says and Seungcheol pouts.

“Just want to be sure,” he mutters as he steps towards the car to put the TV into the backseat. “I mean, sometimes people don't know when I'm joking and when I'm serious,”

Jihoon chuckles as Seungcheol closes the back door, the TV safely sitting in the backseat.

“Ready?” Jihoon opens his driver door.

Seungcheol just smiles warmly as he walks around to the passenger side. “Yeah,”

 

“Just wait a second, I’ll take the other stuff up and then come back for the TV - ” Seungcheol is saying as he unbuckles his seatbelt. Jihoon rolls his eyes.

“Seungcheol, I am capable of helping you carrying your stuff up to your apartment,” Jihoon says.

“Yeah but…” Seungcheol hesitates, then he sighs. “Okay,”

They clamber up, Seungcheol carrying the TV and Jihoon carrying his backpack and the present he got for Seungcheol. Seungcheol guides him to find the keys and Jihoon digs into one of the pockets of the backpack until he finds them and unlocks the door.

“Come on in,” Seungcheol says as he shuffles inside, flicking on lights.

Jihoon tries not to make it too obvious when he looks around while he’s taking off his shoes, but he’s curious. It’s small, just one room, with a single bed to one side, against the wall. At the end of the bed, there’s a door, which must be the bathroom. By the bed there’s a wooden chest of drawers, acting like a bedside table, and beside it is a small dining table, one chair by its side, with a pile of clothes on it. On the other side of the room is the kitchen, fitted with a small fridge, microwave, stove and sink.

“Sorry it’s a mess,” Seungcheol laughs nervously, as he puts the TV down in the space next to the table. “I don’t usually have guests,” he says.

“I can tell, by the fact you only have one chair,” Jihoon says, trying to sound teasing.

Inside though, his mind is reeling a little. This is Seungcheol’s home. This space, which isn’t even the size of his bedroom back ‘home’, is Seungcheol’s everything.

“You can just put the other stuff anywhere,” he says and Jihoon nods, putting the backpack and plastic bag down by the TV box. “Do you… do you want a drink or something?”

Jihoon blinks. “Oh! No, it’s fine, really,”

“It is late, I have coffee,”

“I don’t think we should be drinking coffee at 3am,” Jihoon laughs softly.

“Shouldn’t doesn’t mean you won’t,” Seungcheol grins. “C’mon, just one cup. We only get to talk when I’m working. Besides, you can help me set up the TV.”

Jihoon just laughs softly. “Okay,” he says. He knows he should go home, shouldn’t stay in Seungcheol’s tiny apartment with Seungcheol’s bright smile and twinkling eyes, but he finds he can’t say no.

Seungcheol starts the kettle boiling before sitting himself down by the TV box.

“Now…. how does this work?” he hums. Jihoon carefully sits himself down on the ground beside him.

“I’m pretty sure it comes with instructions,” Jihoon murmurs and Seungcheol laughs brightly.

“Probably,” he says as he grabs scissors to open the box. They pull out the TV and the parts for the small stand. Jihoon pulls out the installation instructions and they bicker over a few of the details like where certain screws go, before the TV is sitting on its stand happily.

“Okay, one part done,” Seungcheol says, eyes crinkled happily. “Oh! Coffee!” he jumps to his feet, having forgotten the kettle.

Jihoon is staring at the different wires in his hands as Seungcheol returns with two steaming cups of instant coffee.

“Careful it’s still hot,” Seungcheol says as he hands Jihoon one of the cups.

“Thanks,” Jihoon says, taking it gingerly before putting it down on the floor carefully beside him.

“Alright, I think this is the power cable, and this is the satellite cable,” Jihoon says, holding up the two cords. “This other one is for connecting to like, a DVD player,”

“Ooooh, DVDs,” Seungcheol says, eyes looking a little wishful.

Jihoon finds himself smiling at Seungcheol. “If I had known they were getting you a TV, I would have gotten you a DVD player instead of a stupid packet of spaghetti,” he says.

Seungcheol shakes his head immediately. “It’s not stupid. Besides, I can make tomorrow’s dinner with the ones I don’t use to measure the bar tables,” he grins playfully. “Thank you again, it’s very thoughtful. And besides, I can probably buy a DVD player. The money I was saving for the TV can go towards that instead,”

Jihoon clears his throat, trying to clear the uncomfortable feeling in his chest. “Well, why don’t we try to set it up?”

He hands Seungcheol the power cable and plugs both of them into the TV before searching for the satellite plug. They have to shift the TV a little towards the doorway, but they plug it in and Seungcheol excitedly grabs the remote out of the box to turn it on.

The screen flickers to life and Seungcheol is grinning so widely, Jihoon finds himself laughing.

Seungcheol grabs his hand and tugs him to his feet excitedly, the two of them taking their mugs and sitting on the edge of Seungcheol’s mattress to stare at the TV sitting on the floor.

It’s all static, but Jihoon helps Seungcheol go to the settings to calibrate it.

As it calibrates, Seungcheol can’t keep the smile off his face, even as he sips his coffee, face disappearing into the mug.

Jihoon just smiles at him before turning to his own coffee when Seungcheol turns to look at him. It’s a bit too sweet, but Jihoon just cradles his mug in his hands and watches the loading bar crawl across the screen as the TV calibrates the channels.

“Thanks, Jihoon,” Seungcheol says suddenly, breaking the silence and Jihoon turns to him in surprise.

“What for?” he asks, genuinely confused.

“For helping me set it up, for coming tonight,” Seungcheol shrugs, “for being here,”

Jihoon smiles warmly. “My pleasure. We’re friends, right?”

Seungcheol grins, bright and happy. “Yeah,” he says and Jihoon smiles again, turning back to his mug. “It’s sort of funny how we are,” Jihoon turns to look at him, finding Seungcheol already watching him, “but I’m glad we are,”

“Me too,” Jihoon says softly. He clears his throat and shifts to sit on the bed properly. “I don’t make a lot of friends…. Or any really, so it’s… really nice,”

“I figured as much,” Seungcheol says, grin playful. “It’s pretty obvious with how awkward you are with everyone,”

Jihoon flushes and shoves at his shoulder, making the coffee slosh in their mugs and Jihoon hurriedly stands before it spills and stains the bed sheets.

Seungcheol just laughs. “It’s fine, don’t worry,” he says, tugging the back of Jihoon’s shirt to get him to sit again.

“I’m just teasing,” he says when Jihoon is sitting on the bed again.

“I know,” Jihoon mumbles, but he’s pouting a little. Unconscious or not, Seungcheol can’t help it when he reaches over and pinches a cheek.

“Don’t sulk so cutely, Jihoonieeee,” he coos. Jihoon scowls and smacks his hand away. Seungcheol laughs as he lets go, not missing the smile that blooms across Jihoon’s face.

“It’s nice being with you too,” Seungcheol says after a few seconds. It takes Jihoon a moment to realise he’s responding to Jihoon’s earlier words.

Jihoon smiles warmly. “Actually, Soonyoung was saying that he’s never seen me connect with someone so easily,” he chuckles a little, hands still curled around his cup. “It’s kind of strange for me to feel so close to someone so quickly, but I don’t really mind,”

Seungcheol is watching him, gaze unwavering, but there’s something in Seungcheol’s eyes that makes Jihoon hesitate. “Seungcheol?”

He breaks out of his daze at his name. His gaze quickly darts away, and he licks his lips. “Sorry, I just… I was just thinking the same thing,” he lifts his gaze to meet Jihoon’s again, a small, almost shy, smile on his lips. He gets up to put his empty coffee cup on the chest of drawers.

“Really?” Jihoon asks, eyes lighting up. “I can’t believe I have to go tell Soonyoung he was right,” he laughs into his mug.

Seungcheol remembers the blond, and suddenly his words are ringing in Seungcheol’s head.

_You’re special to him…. Do you think he’s just another customer, or is he special to you too?_

Jihoon is still smiling against the rim of his cup when Seungcheol blurts out, “You’re special to me,”

Jihoon turns to him, eyes wide, and Seungcheol panics.

“I - I mean, uhm, you’re uh,” he’s grabbed Jihoon’s empty cup, moving to put it on the chest of drawers, just for something to do as he blabbers on, “you know, you’re a really good friend and I’ve never been so close to anyone before,” he sits himself back down, still talking even though he knows he should really just… stop. “And y’know in the future I - ”

He (finally) stops when he feels a warm palm slide against his. He looks down to see that Jihoon has intertwined their fingers.

He glances over at Jihoon, who has an adorable dusting of pink across his nose as he says. “You’re special to me too,”

Seungcheol swears his brain shuts down, because he can’t believe this is happening. Did he really just say Jihoon was special to him, and Jihoon said it back to him, and now they’re holding hands and Jihoon is blushing?!

Seungcheol takes another few seconds to find his brain, in which time Jihoon just sits there, head down, though he keeps sneaking glances at Seungcheol, face progressively getting redder and redder.

Jihoon looks like he’s beginning to panic, trying to untangle their fingers, but Seungcheol’s grip on his hand tightens and Jihoon looks up to find Seungcheol watching him. Seungcheol’s other hand moves to cup his face, holding his face carefully, like he's delicate porcelain. Jihoon struggles to breathe. A thumb caresses the skin of his cheek and Jihoon’s eyes flutter closed as he sees Seungcheol lean in and…

Nothing happens. Jihoon waits, and Seungcheol’s breath is hitting Jihoon's lips and making them tingle, but Seungcheol doesn't kiss him.

“Jihoon,”

He opens his eyes and they're in the same position as before, Seungcheol staring at his lips, barely a hair's breadth apart. When Seungcheol speaks, Jihoon can sometimes feel the slightest ghost of a touch of their lips. It's tantalising.

“Jihoon, are you sure you want this? If you don't, say so now, because once we start I don't think I'll be able to hold back my feelings,” Seungcheol breathes. “I …. I want you to think about all the consequences of this….. of being with me. What your parents think, and your friends, and anyone else who might see us - ”

“I can think about it,” Jihoon whispers, eyes watching Seungcheol, searching his eyes for a reaction, “but it won't change the fact that I want to be with you,”

And when Seungcheol’s eyes flicker up to look at his, Jihoon hopes all he sees is sincerity.  
Seungcheol’s eyes look away, like he’s thinking again, like he's weighing up everything. Jihoon doesn't want to think about anything anymore.

So he pulls Seungcheol’s hand away from his face, surprising him, before grabbing Seungcheol’s face with both hands and crashing their lips together. It's messy, and awkward, and Seungcheol is frozen for a good second, but then his arms are around Jihoon’s waist and pulling him closer, and suddenly it’s perfect. Jihoon gasps for breath in between kisses, heart thrumming in his chest. Seungcheol practically swallows every exhale as he pushes Jihoon down onto the bed and melds their mouths together in almost rough urgency. Jihoon didn't realise the feeling could be addictive.

But the urgency that seems to course through Seungcheol is flowing through Jihoon, and the kisses they exchange are bruising and hasty, but it's exactly what they need - Jihoon feels like he's drowning, but he knows it'd be worse if they stopped. He thinks he'd suffocate.

Their bodies are pressed together and Jihoon can feel Seungcheol’s hand at his hip, a steady, heavy warmth that grounds Jihoon as Seungcheol’s tongue licks into his mouth, leaving him gasping. Jihoon’s hand fists in Seungcheols hair, twisting a little too hard and they pull apart to try and catch their breath for a moment, foreheads pressed together, chests heaving in sync.

Jihoon glances up and finds Seungcheol staring at him, and suddenly he’s _giggling_. He’s not even sure why, but he’s laughing, and soon Seungcheol is laughing too, hugging him tightly as he hovers over him.

Their eyes meet again and Jihoon bites his lip to stop the laughter. Seungcheol reaches up to gently run a thumb over his lip, tugging it free. “You’ll hurt yourself like that,” he whispers and Jihoon doesn’t understand why his heart is racing so much at the gesture, at the soft words.

He licks his lips nervously, and Seungcheol leans in to kiss him the same moment Jihoon moves, and they meet halfway, lips colliding a little too hard. They share a soft, breathless laugh, before Seungcheol kisses him again, softer. Then he does it again, and again, and again.

The urgency is gone, and the kisses aren’t bruising anymore, but Jihoon is still as breathless. Seungcheol’s hand at his hip pulls him closer, other arm propping him up over Jihoon, so he doesn’t crush him, but Jihoon almost wishes he was. His hand is in Seungcheol’s hair again, fingers running through the black locks, other arm hooked around Seungcheol’s neck, keeping them together.

Jihoon pulls away a little in slight surprise when there’s a warm touch at his waist, skin tingling from the touch.

“Shit, sorry,” Seungcheol breathes, tugging Jihoon’s shirt back into place, but Jihoon grabs his wrist, eyes lifting to meet Seungcheol’s above him.

“You can touch me,” he murmurs. Seungcheol seems to hesitate for a moment before smiling and shaking his head.

“No, it’s okay. I want you to be ready for it,” he whispers, kissing Jihoon chastely.

Jihoon wants to protest that he’s not a child - he is perfectly capable of discerning if he wants it or not, but Seungcheol is smiling gently at him and Jihoon feels like he can’t think anymore.

“I don’t want to rush anything. I want to appreciate every part of you properly,” Seungcheol breathes, before he kisses Jihoon again, very softly. And Jihoon responds easily, arms going around Seungcheol’s neck again.

If this is how Seungcheol shows appreciation, he thinks, then he’d better make sure his heart doesn’t fall out of his chest too soon.


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: two things: 1) study is killing me and 2) YAY #DontWannaCry1stWin !!!!!!  
> ok now enjoy jicheol kisses OuO

Raina hovers by his desk awkwardly. Jihoon spares her a glance before turning back to his reports and saying, “You look like you’re trying to bore holes into my head. What’s wrong?”

“Well… I just….” Raina sighs, “did you go home last night?”

Jihoon raises his head, blinking owlishly a few times before he looks down at his suit. “No. Is it obvious?”

“Well, not really but uhm,” Raina licks her lips, “you seem distracted, but not in a ‘didn’t get enough sleep’ kind of way,”

“If you can get all that within an hour at the office, I feel like I’m too obvious,” Jihoon grins. 

Raina looks a little stunned, though he’s not sure why. He tries to school his face back to his usual blankness, though it’s hard to keep the smile from his face. “No, I didn’t go home last night, but I wasn’t at the office. I was out with friends,”

“Oh!” Raina says. “I see,” she hurriedly organises the documents in her hands to give him a stack. “Sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to pry, I was just worried,”

“Well you only have to worry if you keep calling me ‘sir’ and make me feel fifty years old,” Jihoon chuckles.

Raina smiles a little. “Right, of course,” She bows and turns to take her leave, but at the door she turns back. “You should go out more, Jihoon-sshi. Your good mood and smiles make you look more handsome,”

And then she’s gone and Jihoon stares at the empty doorway for a moment before he smiles gently.

“Good mood…. huh?” he murmurs to himself, biting his lip before remembering earlier that morning when he had done the same and Seungcheol had tugged it free before kissing him. More memories of kisses, some burning, some soothing, fill his mind and Jihoon _knows_ he has a giddy smile on his face.

It doesn’t leave his face all day.

 

Jihoon pushes open the door to Healing slowly.

He had been dismissed from work early by Raina, once she noticed him nodding off at his desk sometime in the afternoon. He had gone home and slept for a few hours before waking up, getting in his car and heading to Healing.

He wanted to see Seungcheol. 

Jihoon wonders if it's okay for him to be so attached to Seungcheol already, but Jihoon reasons he was already attached to Seungcheol, even before last night, so nothing has really changed.

It's still reasonably early for the bar, so Jeonghan hasn't left yet and the bartender waves at him from behind the counter. Jihoon beams at him as he takes a seat at the bar counter.

“Seungcheol left you all alone to deal with the customers?” Jihoon asks.

“Taking a break at the back, and it’s not too bad right now,” Jeonghan answers. It’s true - most of the people at the bar have a drink and are just sitting and talking to a companion or on their phones. Jisoo on the other side only has one or two people asking him to make drinks. 

“As if he took a break at a time like this anyway,” Jihoon teases and Jeonghan laughs, stepping aside to hand over a drink to someone.

When he comes back to Jihoon, his eyes are twinkling. “Well, why don’t you go bother him and get him to come back out and help us then?”

Jihoon’s mouth drops open. “Oh,” he says, clearly not expecting that reply. “Uh…”

Jeonghan just beckons him to come behind the bar and then he points to the door behind the counter. “Once you go through the door, there’s a corridor. The door to the right is the kitchen, so go a little further than that and then on the left it’s the back storage room. Seungcheol is probably playing games on his phone right now,”

Jihoon laughs. “I’ll go tell him to get back to work then,” he says before pushing the door open.

He passes the door to the kitchen, and waves to Junhui and Yejin who are arguing over a piece of cauliflower (for some reason). They pause their argument to wave and smile at Jihoon before he disappears further down the corridor, listening to them start their argument again.

Jihoon debates whether to knock on the door or try and surprise Seungcheol, but he hesitates at the second thought - despite everything that happened last night, Jihoon still isn’t sure exactly how comfortable Seungcheol is with him. Would surprising him be too much, too soon?

He knocks.

There’s an indistinguishable grumble, which sounds like “Who the hell is knocking?” before the door wrenches open and Seungcheol is standing right there, towering slightly over Jihoon from his height. Jihoon can’t help the sharp intake of breath.

Seungcheol hasn’t changed since Jihoon last said bye to him that morning, and he looks like he always does - dressed in black slacks and a white shirt - but somehow Jihoon finds himself at a loss for words.

Seungcheol doesn’t seem to be faring much better; he’s frozen in place, eyes wide and staring at Jihoon like he’s some ghost or apparition. 

“Uhm…. hi?” Jihoon eventually manages, voice sounding a little pitchy. Before he can clear his throat and maybe try again to salvage his pride, Seungcheol grabs his elbow and pulls him into the room.

Jihoon stumbles at the loss of balance, but then he’s pushed against the door and Seungcheol’s mouth is on his, kissing him breathless. It doesn’t take long before the kisses are open mouthed and almost desperate. Seungcheol has boxed him against the door, hands at Jihoon’s hips, holding him in place. Jihoon, meanwhile, has a hand twisted in Seungcheol’s shirt, other arm around Seungcheol’s neck as they kiss, mouths moving against each other in almost dizzying need.

“Hi,” Seungcheol breathes out raggedly when he finally pulls away for a breath.

Jihoon giggles, and moves to hold Seungcheol’s face with both hands. “Hi,” he answers, the two of them with matching giddy grins.

Seungcheol kisses him gently. “How was your day?” he whispers, barely moving away from Jihoon, like he can’t have the conversation further away than when he and Jihoon’s noses are bumping.

“Good,” Jihoon hums, letting both arms wrap around Seungcheol’s neck as he tries not to grin too much, biting his bottom lip. Seungcheol reaches up to tug it free.

“I told you not to do that,” he murmurs, “you could hurt yourself.” He sounds genuinely worried and Jihoon just smiles and answers him by crashing their mouths together again.

Seungcheol hums his appreciation. “What was that for?”

“You were being sweet,” Jihoon says, then feels the blush crawl up his neck. Seungcheol grins, almost wicked.

“So I get kisses for being sweet? I could get used to this,” he chuckles and Jihoon watches the way his eyes crinkle more, lips stretched into such a bright smile.

_You get kisses for just being you_ Jihoon’s brain whispers. Instead Jihoon licks his lips and scrambles for his brain. “I came to the back to get you, because you left Jeonghan-hyung and Jisoo-hyung at the bar when it’s busy,”

“It’s my break,” Seungcheol pouts. Jihoon tries not to laugh, just tiptoes slightly to kiss Seungcheol lightly.

“Well, now you’ve recharged your energy, so off you go,” he says, dropping his arms from around Seungcheol’s neck and trying to open the door behind him to skip away.

“Oh no you don’t,” Seungcheol laughs, grabbing him around the waist before he can run off. His lips meet Jihoon’s again and Jihoon would be lying if he said he didn’t want it. His hands tangle in Seungcheol’s hair again.

“I like the sweater,” he murmurs against Jihoon’s cheek, as one hand slides all the way up Jihoon’s side, fingers trailing from his waist, all the way up to his ribcage. “It’s really cute on you,”

Jihoon’s mouth drops open in surprise, whole body tingling from Seungcheol’s touch - not that Seungcheol even touched him, technically. Seungcheol just grins wickedly.

His lips ghost along the line of Jihoon’s jaw all the way to his ear. “Guess I’d better get back to work then,” he murmurs.

Jihoon is so distracted, Seungcheol easily pulls him away from the door. He lets go of Jihoon in the middle of the break room, opens the door, turns back to wink at him, and then disappears, door clicking shut behind him.

Jihoon barely manages to stumble to the couch to collapse in it, head spinning like he’s just done ten elephant turns.

He’s not entirely sure what just happened - was he _giggling_?!? And _teasing_?! And _kissing Seungcheol_?!?!?!?!?!

Jihoon lets out a delirious laugh.

He has absolutely no fucking idea what he’s doing, but Raina was right - going out with Seungcheol makes him in a good mood.

 

How they manage to seem perfectly normal the rest of the night, Jihoon isn’t sure, but he finds himself standing with Seungcheol, waving to Yejin in her car goodnight at 2am after Healing is closed. There’s a split second after Yejin disappears around the corner, before Seungcheol grabs Jihoon’s face and kisses him stupid. Jihoon just rolls with it and kisses back, smiles meeting smiles on the pavement at two in the morning.

They take the empty back streets so Seungcheol can hold his hand as they walk back to Jihoon’s car, the two of them with pink faces, intertwined hands swinging between them. When they near the main street, where people are still walking about, Seungcheol tugs him back into the shadows of a building to say goodbye. 

It takes them a solid five minutes to part, and mostly because Seungcheol can’t stop murmuring appreciation for Jihoon’s sweater, and then kissing him breathless all over again.

In the end, Jihoon has to shove him off and force him to go to the subway station because Seungcheol still doesn’t want a lift, but they can’t just stand in the shadows of a building making out until the sun rises (though Jihoon doesn’t doubt Seungcheol would be happy to try).

“Go home,” Jihoon laughs as Seungcheol pouts. “It’s not goodbye, it’s just goodnight,”

“Just goodnight,” Seungcheol echoes, smiling. “Okay, okay, just ‘goodnight’,” he darts forward against Jihoon’s hands pushing him away, and steals one more quick kiss.

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon feels affection swirl in his chest, and he smiles back. “Goodnight, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol walks off, though he walks backwards, eyes never leaving Jihoon as he stands at the junction to the main street. Jihoon laughs and tells him to walk properly or he’ll fall. Seungcheol waves another time before he obeys. Jihoon smiles to himself, walks to his car and gets in, driving off into the night.

 

“I’m surprised your parents let you come to this,” Jihoon sips his soft drink carefully as Soonyoung laughs by his side.

“Technician Shipping has been a close partner of both our parents’ companies for many years, they’re fine with me turning up as I am,” Soonyoung laughs, eyes crinkled beneath dark hair pushed back. Jihoon knows it’s a wig.

“You mean Kim Mingyu has gone out with you as your other self enough times for him to convince his parents that having you at his graduation party can be a good thing,” Jihoon replies blankly.

Soonyoung grins, though it doesn’t carry it’s usual brightness. “Hey, we’ve known Mingyu almost as long as we’ve known each other, cut him some slack,” 

Jihoon’s eyes drop to the ground. “Mingyu doesn’t see the situation the same way we do. I don’t know if I‘d say I ‘know’ him very well, since we don’t see eye to eye,”

Soonyoung’s gaze is soft, almost pitying. “Just because he took the whole heir thing in stride, but didn’t take on the hatred and angst, doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy,”

“I didn’t say that,” Jihoon answers, “just that we don’t see eye to eye,”

Soonyoung sighs, but doesn’t press further. Instead he asks, “So what’s been happening with you lately? Anything interesting at work?”

“When is there ever anything interesting at work?” Jihoon snorts, though there’s a smile on his face. 

Soonyoung notices it and continues, eyes watching Jihoon carefully. “Well, outside of work? Anything interesting?”

He’s wondering if there’s anything to do with Seungcheol that Jihoon can tell him. But Jihoon doesn’t know Soonyoung went to Healing to talk to the bartender. The brunette heir just sips his soft drink and shakes his head. “Nope. My life is more boring than than paint drying,” he says, face carefully blank, taking another sip of his drink. 

Soonyoung doesn’t know that Jihoon is thinking of warm hands and gentle lips against his. Instead he scoffs his disbelief and Jihoon laughs softly. Soonyoung’s lips twitch upwards into a smile at Jihoon’s ease, but then he notices Jihoon’s face go back to its usual blankness.

“Kim heir in five seconds,” he murmurs.

Soonyoung looks up in time to catch Mingyu’s eye right before the tall young man is in front of them, grinning toothily at them.

“Hi Gyu,” Soonyoung greets sweetly, perfect smile in place. “Congratulations, by the way. Love the party,”

“Aw thanks!” Mingyu chirps. “Mum and Dad really went all out, it’s a little embarrassing,” he reaches up a hand to ruffle his hair nervously, before remembering it’s been meticulously styled and he quickly drops his hand.

Jihoon’s smile is plastic. “Well, it’s your graduation and celebration becoming Technician Shipping’s official heir, it has to be an extravagant affair,” he says smoothly, though Soonyoung knows how forced it is. It’s not Mingyu himself Jihoon hates, it’s the whole idea of heirs and their lives not being their own that Jihoon can’t stand. Mingyu is merely the idea he hates personified, even if he’s one of many.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Mingyu laughs, grinning bashfully. Somewhere across the garden, someone calls for him. “Ah, make sure you guys take your gift box with you when you leave, okay?” he beams and then waves to them as he runs off.

“Gift box?” Jihoon asks, looking perplexed.

“A box of Technician Shipping’s most exported items,” Soonyoung answers. “Plus some sponsored content, of course.”

“Isn’t their most exported items electronics?” Jihoon asks.

“It has like four electronic items, including the latest phone. I think the skincare is sponsored,” Soonyoung answers.

Jihoon sighs heavily. There were easily a few hundred guests, and _each_ guest got one of these gift boxes.

“Fucking rich heirs,” Jihoon mutters.

“Jihoon, you’re one too,”

“Exactly why I’m cursing,” 

Soonyoung just laughs.

 

Jihoon pokes his head through Healing’s doors, grinning brightly when he sees Yejin and Seungcheol stacking chairs in one corner.

“Want some help?” he asks as he steps inside.

Yejin nearly drops the chair in her hand. “Oh gosh, thank goodness it’s only you, Jihoonie. I forgot to lock the door,” she says, rushing past him to do that.

Jihoon saunters over to Seungcheol, whose eyes haven’t left him. He bites back a grin. “Hey,” he says. 

Seungcheol reaches out to pull his bottom lip free again, but before he can steal a kiss, as he always does, Yejin is pushing open the door to the bar area and Seungcheol immediately drops his hand from Jihoon’s face and goes back to stacking chairs, head down, determinedly not looking at Jihoon.

Jihoon pretends he doesn’t mind, talking easily to Yejin as he helps her move a table and then takes a cloth to wipe down the booths. Inside he’s wondering if he did something wrong.

“I wish everyone was as sweet as you, Jihoonie,” Yejin sighs as she shoulders her bag when they close up at two. “Seungcheol doesn’t even talk to me anymore,” she pointedly throws him an exaggerated pout and Seungcheol makes a face at her.

Jihoon just laughs. “Seungcheol is sweet too,” he says. He only realises what he says when he sees Seungcheol’s wide eyes, staring at him. He quickly looks away as Yejin sighs, not noticing the tension in the air between the boys on either side of her.

“I guess he is in his own way, but he’s also a brat,”

“I am here, you know,” Seungcheol says and they all burst out laughing.

“Thanks boys,” Yejin says as she clambers into her car. “See you tomorrow?”

Jihoon nods, smiling brightly as she starts the engine. They watch her drive away, waving to her.

Seungcheol doesn’t even wait for her to completely round the corner before he grabs Jihoon’s face and kisses him desperately. “So I’m sweet, am I?” he grins and Jihoon rolls his eyes before grabbing his face and kissing him. 

“So what if you are?” he counters.

Seungcheol just grins before his hand wraps around Jihoon’s tie - a black skinny tie in a perfect knot at his neck - and tugs him forward, lips colliding a little too hard.

Jihoon’s laughter is muffled against Seungcheol’s mouth. He just tangles his hands in Seungcheol’s hair and lets Seungcheol lead the moment.

He pulls away from Jihoon, cursing breathlessly. Jihoon stares at him. Seungcheol just chuckles and noses at his cheek. “I used to find the suits stuffy, but right now I just find it really, really hot,” he murmurs and Jihoon flushes.

“You thought they were stuffy?” Jihoon asks instead.

“I thought _you_ were stuffy until you actually talked,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon scowls and swats at his shoulder. Seungcheol just laughs.

He tugs gently at Jihoon’s tie again until their lips meet softly in the night air. “So, how come you’re in a suit at 2am on a Saturday night?”

“Sunday morning,” Jihoon corrects, “and I had a business function,”

“On a Saturday night?”

“Rich socialites throw parties on any night of the week, and they’re always business related,” Jihoon responds. His arms are resting on Seungcheol’s shoulders, hands tangled together behind his neck. Seungcheol is rubbing warm, gentle circles with his thumb at Jihoon’s hip. It’s distracting. 

Seungcheol laughs softly. “Imagine living that life - throwing parties whenever you want,”

“It’s glamorous but it’s not as easy as people think,” Jihoon answers, rolling his eyes. He pauses. “Actually, do you want a new phone?”

Seungcheol’s brows furrow. “What?”

“I have a spare phone. I just got it as a gift, do you want it?”

“I - what?”

Jhoon just laughs and steps back to tangle their hands together and tug Seungcheol towards his car.

“C’mon. I’ll explain on the way,”

 

They get into the car and Jihoon barely gets two sentences into explaining before Seungcheol pulls him towards him by the neck and swallows the rest of the words. Afterwards, Jihoon has to ban Seungcheol from even looking at him so that he can drive to Seungcheol’s apartment properly. 

The ban comes after Seungcheol rests a hand on Jihoon’s thigh while he’s driving, and Jihoon nearly veers into a lamp post. Seungcheol finds it hilarious, Jihoon goes red all the way to his ears, threatens to kick him out of the car, and then enforces the ban. 

Seungcheol obeys, even if he snickers the whole way.

Jihoon is so put out when they arrive at Seungcheol’s apartment, he refuses Seungcheol his goodnight kiss, and Seungcheol whines and pouts to no avail. In the end, he merely reaches over and peppers the side of Jihoon’s face in kisses until Jihoon is laughing, calling him a dork and then kissing him sweetly.

“Goodnight, Seungcheol,” Jihoon grins.

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” Seungcheol murmurs, kissing him one more time before he clambers out of the car.


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: exams are over and i am beginning to resemble a human again o/  
> if you didn't see my tweet on twitter (@neoragodestiny), i just gave a little heads up that i've got a lot of the future chapters ready (all the way up to 27/28) so _prepare yo self_  
>  anyway about this chapter: did i say kisses last time? well, kisses. also soonyoung is the bestest friend EVER (also uhhhh mild sexual content ???? i guess???)

Yejin finds out the next day. By then it’s been three days since the night of Seungcheol’s birthday party. She walks into the back room to find Seungcheol on the couch, Jihoon straddling him, Seungcheol’s hand up Jihoon’s shirt, and Seungcheol’s tongue disappearing into Jihoon’s mouth.

Needless to say, there’s a lot of swearing, red faces, and Yejin being unable to look either of them in the eye for the rest for the night. Jeonghan finds it hysterical, Jisoo smiles warmly and Junhui smirks and waggles his eyebrows suggestively.

So since the back room has no lock (which is why Seungcheol has seen Yejin in only slightly less scandalous positions with Eric several times), Seungcheol starts dragging Jihoon to the pantry storeroom and shoving him against shelves of fresh produce in his breaks.

Junhui is displeased at being unable to get anything for the ten minutes of Seungcheol’s break, and Jihoon has a packet of peanuts fall on his head once, but Junhui learns to get all his stuff before Seungcheol’s designated break, and Seungcheol chooses a different shelf to trap Jihoon against, so it works out in the end.

It’s been about a week, and Jihoon is still trembling and sensitive every time Seungcheol drags him into the pantry and kisses him stupid.

Today is no exception.

Seungcheol’s mouth latches onto the soft skin just under his jawline and Jihoon can only gasp and think when the dizzying delirium passes. Fumbling fingers reach for Seungcheol’s face to push him away just slightly - enough to get his attention. It takes Jihoon a moment to whisper that he has work tomorrow and he can't have marks there and - 

Seungcheol seems to understand, just smirking and kissing his already kiss-swollen lips.

“Your shirt will be collared right?” Seungcheol asks and Jihoon is embarrassed how long it takes him to answer that - purely because of how distracted he is.

He mumbles something in the affirmative and then Seungcheol is back at his neck again, low enough this time that it would be covered with a collared shirt. Jihoon is gasping and almost writhing against him, fingers twisting and gripping onto the sides of Seungcheol’s shirt desperately.

He has to bite back a moan when Seungcheol’s teeth finally pull away from the red mark he’s made on Jihoon’s neck, shifting and subsequently pressing their bodies together, sending electricity throughout their bodies, all the way to their toes.

“Fuck,” Jihoon gasps out, intelligently. Seungcheol’s curse is muffled into Jihoon’s newly marked neck.

There’s a sharp rap at the door. “Hyung, your break is over, so please stop making out in the pantry. I’ve been waiting to get potatoes for ten minutes,” Junhui’s voice comes through, followed by a sigh.

“Don’t know if you want them anymore, with what we did,” Seungcheol calls back, snickering, and Jihoon turns bright red at the implication, even if it’s false.

“ _What?!_ ” Junhui squeaks, voice climbing an octave as Seungcheol pokes his head out of the pantry, a sly grin on his face.

“What did you do to my potatoes?!” Junhui shrieks as Seungcheol laughs and drags a red-faced Jihoon out of the pantry by the hand. They dart out of the kitchen as Junhui steps into the pantry worriedly, true fear on his face.

“Why’d you say that?” Jihoon mumbles as they head towards the bar.

“Because Junhui’s scandalized face is priceless,” Seungcheol grins, kissing him quickly, “plus you’re even cuter when you’re embarrassed.”

“I hate you,” Jihoon scowls.

Seungcheol just grins. “Sure you do, that’s why we just made out in a pantry for ten minutes, and you’re holding my hand,”

Jihoon glowers at him. Seungcheol beams and kisses him softly, a gentle, tender press of lips, before he pulls away, kisses Jihoon’s forehead and then steps back into the bar. He greets Jeonghan immediately, smile bright and looking totally unaffected, aside from a slightly rumpled shirt and hair.

Jihoon, meanwhile, feels like a mess, physically and emotionally. He’s still tingling all over and he _knows_ Seungcheol messed up his hair; his shirt is hanging out of the waist of his pants, his tie is missing and his unbuttoned collar shows at least one hickey.

Jihoon nearly cries out of frustration. It’s just not fair how much Seungcheol affects him - he feels constantly wrong-footed, off balance. It’s been over a week now but it’s not any better - he still feels as giddy and ditzy as the first time.

Jihoon sighs. He has to go back out there at some point. He attempts to flatten his hair, tucks in his shirt, buttons it up and steps back into the bar with as much composure as he can, even as his skin tingles from the lack of Seungcheol’s hands all over him.

He wonders if Seungcheol notices Jihoon biting his bottom lip every time he lifts his eyes from his reports to watch him. Whether it’s because he’s trying not to smile, or because he wants Seungcheol to gently pull his lip free like he always does when he notices Jihoon biting his lip, he’s not sure, but he does it anyway.

He feels totally out of control, but it doesn’t necessarily feel like it’s a bad thing.

(What Jihoon doesn’t know, is that Jeonghan is laughing at Seungcheol, who messes up almost all his orders because he’s so distracted by a brown haired businessman who sits at the corner of the bar, just reading reports. All he does is sit there, occasionally biting his lip as he peruses reports, and yet Seungcheol is as ditzy as a shojou manga protagonist.

And Jeonghan thinks it’s fantastic.)

 

“Hyung, I need a favour,”

Soonyoung smiles a little, cradling his phone between his shoulder and ear as he decides on what to wear. “You only ever call me hyung when you need a favour. What is it, Jihoon?”

“I need you to cover for me,” Jihoon answers and Soonyoung raises an eyebrow.

“Is Jihoonie sneaking out?” he asks, childish excitement lacing in his voice. He hears Jihoon sigh over the phone. 

“Sort of. Just... cover for me if anyone comes asking,” Jihoon says. A pause, then he adds, “Please,” and Soonyoung knows he’s serious.

He laughs softly. “Sure, I’m heading out tonight too, I’ll just say you’re with me.” He grins. “I’m glad you’re sneaking out, Jihoon. You need to live a little,”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Jihoon says, and he sounds a little distracted now. “Uh, I have to go. Thanks, hyung. I’ll make it up to you, sometime.”

“You’re welcome, Jihoon,” he grins and hangs up. The idea of Jihoon sneaking out is still a little surreal, but Soonyoung just smiles to himself. It’s about time the kid did something normal.

 

“Yo, Hosh,” Soonyoung waves in answer to his friends’ greeting. The group of them make their way into the queue for the tickets, making jokes and laughing brightly as they wait for their turn. Soonyoung buys their tickets and they head to the cinema, Soonyoung laughing with a bucket of popcorn in his arms. 

He’s just settling down into his seat in the cinema when he sees a familiar hat hiding brunette hair and Soonyoung falters from laughing at one his friends’ jokes to look again. The hatted brunette turns to say something to the guy beside him and Soonyoung recognises his childhood friend of many years. He might be dressed more casually, but Soonyoung knows it’s Jihoon. 

The guy beside him laughs softly in response, and Soonyoung recognises him as the bartender from Healing as he sees the way Jihoon brightens, laughing softly too. Jihoon barely smiles, let alone so brightly. Soonyoung thinks he’s only seen Jihoon smile this brightly once or twice, and only ever to his younger brother.

_Is it a date?_ Soonyoung wonders. The girls on Jihoon’s other side seem to be engrossed on their phones and the seat next to the other guy is empty, so Soonyoung can assume it is. He smirks a little to himself.

Jihoon snuck out. For a _date_. This is even better.

He goes back to joking with his friends, but he keeps the hat of Jihoon, and his raven haired companion, in the corner of his eye.

Even during the movie, sometimes Soonyoung sees them talking to each other, Jihoon’s companion especially. But judging from the way Jihoon’s shoulders shake, Jihoon enjoys it, laughing in response.

When they get up to leave the cinema, he can see the looks they’re giving each other. It’s a date for sure. 

Soonyoung isn’t listening to his friends’ jokes as they leave the cinema, watching Jihoon walk further down the corridor sticking close to his companion. It takes Soonyoung a while to realise they’re holding hands, hiding it mostly in the folds of their coats.

“Hoshi,” Soonyoung turns to see his friends looking at him worriedly. “You okay?”

And Soonyoung just smiles. “Yeah, just saw a friend,”

“Oh, why don’t you go say hi?”

Soonyoung shakes his head and his smile doesn’t leave his face. “It’s okay. Let’s go to the arcade, yeah? I’ll buy!”

 

“I’ll buy today, since I owe you for the other day,” Jihoon says as he puts down his coffee cup. They usually split their Thursday morning coffees, even though they can both easily afford it. Jihoon had insisted from the beginning, and Soonyoung had just shrugged and agreed.

“Yeah, you do,” Soonyoung says, pretending to be put out, huffing and crossing his arms across his chest. “Your housekeeper called me in the middle of playing Time Crisis and I died because of it,”

Jihoon chuckles softly and it’s such a gentle smile, Soonyoung wonders how he didn’t notice how much brighter Jihoon has been lately.

“So, are you going to tell me?” Soonyoung smirks.

Jihoon manages to look mostly unbothered, but there’s the slightest quiver to his calm expression. “Tell you what?” Jihoon responds coolly.

“Are you really going to be like that?” Soonyoung whines.

Jihoon just picks up his coffee cup calmly, as if he intends to ignore his friend. Soonyoung watches him for a moment, before leaning closer and whispering, “Because I saw a certain brunette heir with a hot bartender at the movies three nights ago,”

Jihoon chokes on his coffee. He manages not to spill it all over his pristine white shirt thankfully.

“What?” Jihoon splutters. Soonyoung just smirks. “Soonyoung,” he hisses, fear and urgency in his voice. Soonyoung waves it off.

“Hoon-ah, relax. I didn’t blab. Who do you take me for?” 

Jihoon is glaring and if Soonyoung hadn’t known him for years already, he’d think his hair was going to fry off his head. “A bored rich kid with nothing better to do,” Jihoon mutters, looking around the cafe, like he’s worried there’s someone watching them.

Soonyoung sighs. “Yeah, I’m a bored rich kid, but I’m a loyal friend, okay? Haven’t I had your back for years?” and Jihoon sighs because he’s right. Jihoon doesn’t ask for favours often, but Soonyoung has always been there for him.

“Now, spill,” Soonyoung grins. Jihoon groans. “And none of this ‘we’re just friends’ business, I saw you guys holding hands after the movie,”

If Soonyoung knew Jihoon could go so pink, he would have teased Jihoon about all his (arranged) dates earlier.


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: this chapter gives an insight into some side characters (soonyoung, and jihan together), because the focus is jicheol, but the other boys are also important to the story, and its important to understand them and their stories (even if only getting a glimpse)  
> anyway! without further ado~~

Soonyoung steps into the house silently, toeing off his shoes in the darkness.

He freezes when the lights turn on and he sees his mother standing at the top of the elegant staircase.

“Soonyoung? Where have you been?” she asks quietly. She’s wrapped in a dressing gown.

“I was just out with friends, Ma, I’m fine. Go back to bed,” Soonyoung says quietly, stepping out of his shoes.

“Soonyoung….” his mother bites her lip. “Your father is worried. You maxed out your credit card again,”

“I bought my friends dinner the last few times we went out, because they’re short on cash, and they helped me with some stuff for class so -“

“I know, Soonyoung, you’re always very generous and kind with your friends,” his mother smiles sweetly. “Just be careful, okay?”

“I will, Ma,” Soonyoung answers. Neither of them have moved from their positions, Soonyoung still standing in the doorway, his mother at the top of the stars.

“How’re classes?” she asks.

“They’re fine. I’m top of the class,”

His mother smiles, a gentle curl of lips, eyes crinkling. Soonyoung knows his eyes are like his mother’s, but he hasn’t seen his mother’s eyes crinkle up the same way his do. Then again, he hasn’t seen her laugh genuinely for a very long time. So long now, that he can’t remember. “That’s good,” she says gently, “You should get some rest,”

“I will,”

“Goodnight, Soonyoung,” she says.

“Goodnight, Ma,”

She nods and then turns and retreats up the stairs and Soonyoung lets out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding.

Soonyoung saunters into the living room and flops onto one of the pristine white couches. It’s an Italian design, imported from there specifically. Soonyoung sighs, lets his head drop backwards as he slides down the couch until he’s resting in a terrible position that is weirdly comfortable. He’s staring at the ceiling.

“Be careful…. Huh?” he murmurs to himself.

His father was worried about him maxing out his credit card, but not mad. Just worried his son is getting scammed of his money or someone had taken his card.

It isn’t true, but it isn’t entirely false either. Soonyoung sighs and closes his eyes.

His credit card was maxed out because he used it, but he used it because his friends asked him to. Friends. Soonyoung calls them that, because it makes it easier to hide - the fact they are practically scamming him out of his money.

Soonyoung only has friends because he always pays. Because he has money.

Soonyoung knows what they think of him. Some bird-brained rich kid who wants playmates, and the only way he could have them was to buy them things.

They aren’t wrong. Soonyoung is just a rich kid who needs to buy companions. But Soonyoung isn’t dumb. He’s the top of his class, and he does work for his father’s company sometimes. But never face to face, never in person. No one in the company even knows he has blond hair.

And his ‘friends’ don’t know whose rich kid Soonyoung is. He is “Hoshi” to them, and “Hoshi” never talks about family, just plays and has the money to play. So Hoshi plays, and they play with him.

Soonyoung buys affection and companions. It’s the only way he knows how to negate the loneliness.

Jihoon is one of the only people who knows both sides of him. But Jihoon hates his ‘friends’ (he told Soonyoung so to his face) and Soonyoung couldn’t blame him. Jihoon can’t stand playing pretend and temporary things. Soonyoung lives in temporary. Because those ‘friends’ are temporary. _Hoshi_ is temporary. But being Hoshi gives him company, even if it’s bought; that’s better than being alone, for him.

Soonyoung could deal with temporary happiness, as long as there was happiness. Meanwhile Jihoon hated toying with anything that was fleeting.

Soonyung lets out a chuckle. And now Jihoon is in a relationship with Seungcheol, the bartender from Healing. Soonyoung smiles. Jihoon’s resistance to temporary paid off. And he knows Jihoon is happy. Jihoon never does anything halfway. He’s the kind of person that was all or nothing, while Soonyoung always sat in the halfway point.

They’re like opposites - Jihoon with (very) few, but loyal friends. Soonyoung with many, but false friends. Jihoon is quiet and thoughtful, Soonyoung carefree and easily excited. And yet, they are best friends. They’re only ones who can really understand each other in the maze that is their lives. Only heirs can understand the pressures heirs face. He and Jihoon are pretty much the only ones who are against it. Other heirs see it as an easy road; Soonyoung sees it as an unending tunnel, with no exit or turn off. Jihoon sees it as a cage.

Soonyoung smiles. He’s happy for Jihoon, genuinely. Jihoon deserves the happiness of a relationship, of someone who cares about him, but Soonyoung is also sad, for himself.

Jihoon is pretty much his only true, genuine friend. And even though Soonyoung knows Jihoon would never abandon him, he feels like he’s being left behind, even if only a little.

And no amount of money could buy anything to fill that loneliness.

 

The first time Seungcheol tries to kiss Jihoon after smoking, Jihoon nearly throws up.

He turns up at Seungcheol’s door late on a Saturday morning, when Seungcheol is lazing around his apartment. Out of habit they greet each other with a kiss, but it doesn’t take long before Jihoon is pushing Seungcheol away, gagging.

“You were smoking?” Jihoon chokes out. He looks nauseous.

Seungcheol looks perplexed. “I - yes, but…”

Jihoon scowls at him. “I told you it’s a bad habit,”

“I know it is, Jihoonie,” he murmurs, looking like a scolded child.

JIhoon sighs. “I can’t stop you but…. Don’t even think about kissing me after you’ve smoked. You taste disgusting,”

“I taste good normally?” Seungcheol asks, grin teasing. Jihoon pretends he doesn’t notice the slight hesitation and uncertainty in his eyes. Seungcheol can hide a lot of things but his eyes always show the truth, especially when it comes to his fear. 

Jihoon folds his arms across his chest. “Definitely better than now,”

Seungcheol laughs. “I’ll go brush my teeth. Will that help?”

“Probably not but it’s a start,” Jihoon answers, kicking off his shoes and heading to Seungcheol’s bed, turning on the TV as Seungcheol disappears into the bathroom.

Jihoon is engrossed in a documentary about red pandas when Seungcheol steps out of the bathroom, crawling onto the bed beside him and kissing the crown of his head. Jihoon barely even reacts, still watching the TV. Seungcheol finds it amusing, moving to lean against the wall and pull Jihoon between his legs. Jihoon shuffles backwards until he’s leaning back against Seungcheol’s chest. Seungcheol smiles and winds his arms around Jihoon’s waist, fingers curling into Jihoon’s sweater.

“Interesting?” Seungcheol murmurs, burying his nose into Jihoon’s hair. He smells of oranges and lemons. Seungcheol finds it endearing. Jihoon is an important businessman, is one of the heads of the company, often looks cold and serious to most people, and yet he smells like citrus fruits.

“Mhmm,” Jihoon hums, hands moving to rest on top of Seungcheol’s. Seungcheol tangles their hands together.

“More interesting than me?” he asks, nosing at Jihoon’s neck now, against his shirt collar.

“The pandas are cute,” Jihoon pouts but turns to look at Seungcheol, head tilted back to rest on Seungcheol’s shoulder.

“I’m cute too,” Seungcheol says.

Jihoon hums, like he’s contemplating whether he agrees with that. Seungcheol pouts, expression exaggerated. Jihoon laughs. “Yeah, yeah, you are,” he murmurs, granting him a short peck before returning to his original position against Seungcheol’s chest.

Seungcheol isn’t so content - he immediately tries to turn Jihoon around again, to kiss him properly. Jihoon leans away, smirking. Seungcheol whines.

Jihoon just reaches into his pocket and pulls out a mint lolly. Seungcheol makes a face when Jihoon puts it to his mouth, but parts his lips, letting Jihoon drop the lolly in his mouth.

Jihoon smiles, satisfied, going back to his original position, watching the TV from against Seungcheol’s chest.

Seungcheol sucks on the lolly, watching the TV too, hands occupied playing with Jihoon’s fingers. He can feel the lines of his bones and the veins that trail across his skin like a map.

The red pandas on the TV are play fighting and Seungcheol thinks its super cute. Like how he thinks Jihoon is super cute.

Speaking of, Jihoon is shifting in his position, untangling their hands and turning around until he’s kneeling on the bed in between Seungcheol’s legs. Seungcheol stares at him, eyes wide, and Jihoon just smiles.

Then, Jihoon is holding his face with both hands, pressing their mouths together chastely. Seungcheol closes his eyes and lets Jihoon lead, his tongue slipping into Seungcheol’s mouth easily.

Seungcheol’s eyes snap open as the mint lolly is taken from his mouth, and then Jihoon is sitting back on his ankles, smirking at him and sucking on the mint lolly that had been in Seungcheol’s mouth a moment ago. His heart is beating erratically in his chest.

“Next time,” Jihoon murmurs, leaning close until their noses are bumping again, “no smoking before you see me, or you don’t get any kisses,” he says.

Seungcheol nips at his lips, but Jihoon keeps drawing back just enough to break the kiss. “Deal,” he breathes before capturing Jihoon’s mouth. This time Jihoon complies, and Seungcheol gets his mint lolly back.

 

“Working even at a bar?” Seungcheol asks, as his eyes flitter over the papers spread out across the bar that Jihoon is looking through.

Jihoon sighs. “Sadly, yes. They want to do restructuring in the company and I'm trying to prepare a proposal, but there’s just… so much.”

Seungcheol frowns a little. “That's in your role?”

“No, but it'll be my role in the future,” Jihoon makes a face, before sighing and dropping the papers in his hand back onto the bar counter.

“Why do people invest so much in their future?” he asks suddenly. “Why don't they live in the present?”

“Why do people get hung up on their past?” Seungcheol asks quietly, hiding his pain with a smile. “The answer is always the same: because we’re human,”

Jihoon had looked away, expression thoughtful, but as he turns back to say something, he sees Seungcheol’s face. “What’s wrong? Was it something I said?” he asks, brows furrowed in worry.

Seungcheol tries to hide his surprise. He thought he hid the slight ache in his chest well. He feels the ache subside and warmth spread in his chest. He smiles, warm and content. “No, it’s not you,” he murmurs, “just got distracted,”

“By?” Jihoon asks.

“How cute you are?” Seungcheol tries, grin playful. 

Jihoon scowls. “Don’t change the subject,” he says, pointing a pen accusingly at him across the bar. 

Seungcheol laughs, loud and unrestrained. Some of the other bar patrons turn to look at him. He leans over the bar in front of Jihoon, grin bright.

“Okay, okay, sorry, but it’s nothing for you to worry about, okay? Just do your important business things, and don’t worry about me,”

“I’ll worry either way,” Jihoon murmurs, frowning in displeasure. He drops it nonetheless, and Seungcheol smiles at him before going back to attending other customers and making drinks.

“How come you were working at the bar though?” Seungcheol asks later when they’re walking back to Jihoon’s car. Jihoon has taken to dropping Seungcheol home on the days he actually goes to Healing, if only so they can talk a bit longer. “Wouldn’t it have been too loud for you?”

Jihoon scrubs at his face. He looks tired. “A bit, but I’ve been cooped up in my office a lot the last few days, so I felt like a change of working environment,” he says. “Besides,” he turns to look at Seungcheol, gentle smile blossoming on his face, “I got to spend time with you, even if we were both working.”

Seungcheol grins brightly, waiting until they are in the safety of Jihoon’s car before stealing a kiss. Jihoon breaks into such a soft smile when they break apart, Seungcheol simply pulls him back for another one and Jihoon happily responds.

After a long moment, Jihoon pushes him off with a laugh, and drives towards Seungcheol’s apartment, hand intertwined with Seungcheol’s between them for most of the drive.

“Come up for a while?” Seungcheol asks.

Jihoon just smiles. “I can never say no to you,” he says softly.

Seungcheol just holds Jihoon’s hand in his warm one as he leads him up to his apartment.

 

Jisoo hands Jeonghan his guitar before lifting the bar countertop and sliding in behind the bar.

“That last song was new, wasn’t it?” Jeonghan asks as he hands Jisoo his guitar back. Jisoo beams.

“Yeah, it was. From a new drama OST,” he replies.

“I didn’t hear you practicing it in the apartment,” Jeonghan says, eyes narrowing at him a little, almost accusing.

“You’re not in the apartment all the time,” Jisoo teases, grinning.

Jeonghan makes a face like he’s sulking and goes off to other side of the bar to attend a customer. Seungcheol snickers under his breath as he makes a drink. He catches Jisoo’s gaze, and hurriedly retracts his smile. “Sorry, I just - ”

Jisoo laughs. “Why are you apologizing, Seungcheol? There’s nothing to apologize for,” he says.

“Just,” Seungcheol licks his lips, “uh, didn’t mean to eavesdrop?”

Jisoo rolls his eyes. “It’s not like we were hiding our conversation, so it doesn’t matter that you heard it,”

He disappears through the corridor to put his guitar in its case in the backroom, before coming back to the bar. Seungcheol is just handing his customer their change. Jisoo easily wraps an arm around his shoulders after he’s done. “You okay?”

“Yeah, of course,” Seungcheol says a little too quickly. Jisoo frowns. He checks there’s no customers that need attending before he puts both hands on Seungcheol’s shoulders.

“Are you sure?” Jisoo asks. “Did something happen?”

Seungcheol shakes his head, looking a little like deer caught in headlights. Jisoo glances around the bar again. No customers needing drinks and also….

“Where’s Jihoon?” Jisoo asks.

“Business meeting,” Seungcheol murmurs, gaze lowering instantly.

Jisoo tilts his head to try and meet Seungcheol’s gaze. “And? Is everything okay with him? Did you guys have a fight?”

“Wha -? No, nothing like that,” Seungcheol says quickly, hands raised to emphasise his point.

“Then, why are you awkward with me? We’re friends, and you’ve been fine talking to me about things in the past, but the last couple of weeks you’ve been…. hesitant,” Jisoo says quietly. “And I realised it’s since you and Jihoon…” he trails off quietly, aware that even if they’re speaking quietly behind the bar, they’re still in the bar. It’s not an entirely private conversation.

“I … It’s not that,” Seungcheol mumbles hesitantly. He glances over at Jeonghan on the other side of the bar.

Jisoo follows his gaze. “When I mentioned it to Jeonghan, he said the same thing,” he says. “Seungcheol, you can talk to us, you know that, right?”

Seungcheol nods meekly, before glancing at Jisoo hesitantly. Then he takes a deep breath and asks quietly, “Are you…. Are you… okay with Jihoon… and me? Like… us being… y’know,”

“Together?” Jisoo answers for him with a gentle smile. Seungcheol nods slowly. Jisoo chuckles. “This is what you were worried about?”

Seungcheol goes a little pink across the nose. “Well, I mean… I’m not sure. Not everyone is… okay with it, so I just… I wasn’t sure if you guys aren’t or - ”

“Seungcheol, we don’t care about things like that,” Jisoo smiles. “You’re our friend, and we want you to be happy. As long as you’re safe and happy, we don’t care at all,”

“Are you guys plotting something?” Jeonghan appears between them, gaze glowering, and Seugcheol jumps.

Jisoo smiles and puts an arm around Jeonghan. “No, I was just trying to clear up with Seungcheol about, y’know. Turns out he was worried about us not being cool with Jihoon,”

“Whaaaaaat?!” Jeonghan cries and Seungcheol immediately hushes him. He glances at the bar and quickly rushes off to attend a girl who is asking for a glass of water. He gives it to her and then he’s dragged back to the side of the bar by Jeonghan.

“You idiot, did you really think we were like that?!” Jeonghan grumbles, shaking Seungcheol almost violently. Jisoo is laughing, but tensely trying to pry Jeonghan’s fingers off Seungcheol’s shoulders before he rattles Seungcheol’s brains out or something.

“N-No, I j-just was w-worried,” Seungcheol manages to stutter through Jeonghan’s shakes. Jeonghan stops and Seungcheol blinks several times to make the dizziness go away. Then he looks meek again, gaze dropping to the ground. “I was… scared you guys were uncomfortable, but just didn’t want to say anything,”

Jeonghan sighs and puts both hands on his hips. Jisoo laughs quietly by his side. “Choi Seungcheol, you’re an idiot, and now I know why Yejin-noona says so,” he grabs both of Seungcheol’s cheeks. Seungcheol flaps his arms pointlessly. “We’re your friends, and unless you’re messing with gangs who are going to slice you to pieces and deliver those pieces to our doorstep,” (Jisoo winces and mumbles a tiny, “Han, please,”) “I don’t care who you’re with. As long as you’re happy,” he tugs at Seungcheol’s cheeks, each in turn, “I don’t care,”

He releases Seungcheol, who sulks while rubbing his abused cheeks. There’s a long moment where none of them say anything, then Seungcheol slowly lowers his hands and mumbles, “I think I need to rethink my friendship with you, if this is what I get,”

“Yah!” Jeonghan launches himself at him and Jisoo grabs him around the waist while Seungcheol laughs and darts away. But he’s laughing brightly, eyes crinkled and dimples showing; and even though Jeonghan mutters curses at him and Jisoo has to hold him back for another minute, they know there’s an understanding there.

And the understanding rebuilds the bridge between the three of them that was becoming shaky. Jisoo smiles when Seungcheol hugs him from behind for no apparent reason before going to help Junhui with a delivery at the back, and Jeonghan gets a towel thrown at him with laughter, followed by a bear-like hug that only Seungcheol can give.

Jisoo waits in the backroom until Jeonghan finishes his shift and they wave goodbye to the rest of the staff before stepping out into the cool air. It’s just after midnight, but it’s still pretty busy. The city is thrumming with night life.

“I can’t believe that’s all he was worried about,” Jeonghan murmurs as the two of them make their way to the subway.

“He has a right to be,” Jisoo says softly. “Yejin-noona has sort of mentioned his past,”

“Even then...” Jeonghan sighs.

“Even then, he still has every right to be scared. I would be too,” Jisoo says.

Jeonghan stares at him, fear in his warm brown eyes. Jisoo pretends he doesn’t see Jeonghan’s hand reaching for him before pulling away.

Instead, Jeonghan clears his throat and says, “I would have thought he trusted us enough to know we wouldn’t do that to him,”

“It’s not about trust, Han,” Jisoo murmurs. He pauses as they arrive at the platform and a train rushes past. “Sometimes, you can trust someone with everything you have, but if it goes against their entire being, it’s too hard,” His eyes flash with painful memories. Jeonghan knows which ones.

Jeonghan reaches for him, and this time he doesn’t retract his touch. He wraps his arms around Jisoo and holds him for a moment before letting go. Both of them pull away, eyes darting to each side, wary. No one is watching them.

‘I didn’t mean to bring up those memories,” Jeonghan murmurs softly as they stand side by side on the platform.

“I know,” Jisoo says quietly, but he doesn’t lift his gaze.

Their train arrives and both of them climb into the carriage, taking two empty seats. The rest of the carriage fills up. They sit in silence as the city rumbles past.

“Do you think Seungcheol realises we understand him a lot more than he thinks?” Jisoo asks quietly, when they’re nearly home.

“That we’ve been in the same situation? That we are in the same situation?” Jeonghan asks, before smiling sadly. “No. Otherwise he wouldn’t have asked what he asked tonight,”

Jisoo nods wordlessly and they rise, getting out of the train. They meld into the crowd and exit the station, walking the short distance to their apartment building. In the lift, Jeonghan glances at Jisoo, but the other boy just shakes his head and Jeonghan lowers his gaze again until he opens the door to their dark apartment.

Only then does he reach back, and only then does Jisoo reciprocate. Fingers tangle together in the dim light from the corridor, intertwining as they close the door behind them, leaving them in darkness, hands clenched tightly between them.


	11. eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: short chapter so early-ish update~ i'll be busy this week tho so idk when next update will be @_@

The weeks go by with Jihoon attending meetings and working long hours, but sometimes those hours are spent at Healing, reading reports while Seungcheol hovers nearby with supportive smiles and little notes slid across the counter.

Jihoon spends a Saturday afternoon teaching Seungcheol how to use the new phone Jihoon gave him. Seungcheol never owned a smartphone, so even though Jihoon is not the most technology adept person, he’s better than Seungcheol who needs an explanation on how to use online messenger apps.

“But why do I need to create another account, Jihoonieeee?” he whines, after it’s been an hour and Seungcheol is sick of setting up all these accounts.

“Because you need to be able to communicate with me!” Jihoon says. “See this one only works in China, and this one works better in Japan,”

“Jihoon-ah, I wouldn’t ever be able to afford to go to China or Japan,” Seungcheol chuckles softly, tugging Jihoon closer to his chest. It’s their default position now, Jihoon leaning back against Seungcheol, sitting between his legs, while Seungcheol leans against the wall.

Jihoon smiles. “Not yet, maybe, but when I have to go, you can still talk to me,”

Seungcheol freezes. “You’re going away?” he breathes.

A sigh. Jihoon turns around, a sad look on his face. “Not yet, but…. The company has so many dealings with those two countries, they’re looking to establish official offices there. I’ll probably have to travel for some meetings in the future.”

Seungcheol makes a sour face. Jihoon placates him with a gentle kiss. “I’m sorry, I don’t have much choice.”

“I know, Jihoonie. Doesn’t mean I’m happy about not seeing your cute face all the time,”

Jihoon scowls at the teasing and pushes at his shoulder as Seungcheol chuckles. He trails a finger along the line of Jihoon’s cheekbone, Jihoon’s breath faltering as he waits. Seungcheol takes his time, letting the pads of his finger caress Jihoon’s smooth skin. Jihoon closes his eyes. Seungcheol stares at the shadows of his lashes for a moment before he slowly closes the distance between them and kisses Jihoon’s pink lips.

It’s soft, hesitant, shy almost. Jihoon smiles a little as Seungcheol pulls away. Seungcheol sees it and kisses him again, pulling Jihoon towards him.

 

“Hyung!”

“Hang in there, Chan! I’m on my way - !”

“There’s too many, hyung! I’m gonna - ”

Chan’s character on screen lets out a blood-curdling scream and the screen becomes blood splattered as the game asks if he wants to continue. Chan sighs and yanks his headset off.

“Hyuuuunngg,” he whines, turning to his brother sitting beside him, headset still on, concentration unbroken.

“I told you not to run ahead,” Jihoon responds, mouse clicking furiously as he continues to shoot zombies and try to reach the end point.

Without Chan though, Jihoon is soon overwhelmed and dies, teeth gritted all the way to the end as he tries to fight the zombies.

Jihoon sighs as he pulls his headset off, eyes on the blood splattered screen asking him if he wants to continue.

“Well, we’re dead,” Jihoon says, turning to Chan. Chan watches him, almost expectantly. “Want to eat something?

Chan breaks into a bright grin. “I thought you’d never ask”

Jihoon just laughs and gets up, Chan trailing after him as they leave the game cafe.

“What do you want to eat?” Jihoon asks as they stand in the middle of the food court, looking at all their options. Chan bites his lip, trying to decide. Jihoon hands him some money. “Choose what you want, and we’ll meet back at this table, okay?”

Chan grins and hurries off to buy junk food, Jihoon laughing quietly at him before going to buy something simple from a nearby store.

Jihoon is already sitting at the table with his food, and sipping on Coke when Chan returns with his food. Chan is just about to start telling his brother this new project they have to do for school, when Jihoon’s phone rings.

Jihoon looks apologetic, but he stands up and walks just outside the food court to answer the call. Chan pouts and bites into his burger, sulking. Even for few hours on a Sunday afternoon, Chan can’t have his brother all to himself, because work was always too important to ignore - 

Chan falters. He sees the gentle look in his brother’s eyes and the soft smile on his lips as he speaks to the other person on the phone.

Oh. Maybe it’s not a work call after all. He grins, sly and cheeky.

 

“Hey Jihoonie! Are you busy right now?” Seungcheol’s voice is bubbly. Jihoon can’t help feel warm at just the sound of his voice.

“Hey. Sorta. I’m out with Chan,” Jihoon replies.

“Oh! Oh, I’ll be quick then. I was just wondering if you were coming to Healing tonight? Cause there’s a birthday party tonight, so we’re not meant to be open to the public,” 

“I have a dinner function for a bank tonight,” Jihoon says, “I wouldn’t be done till midnight, earliest.”

“Ahh, okay,” Seungcheol says. “The event will probably end around then, so either come to Healing around then, or come to my place after?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jihoon smiles. “I’ll message you?”

“Yep! Sounds good! See you later, Jihoonie!”

Jihoon smiles, warm and content. “See you later, Seungcheol,”

He hangs up and makes his way back to his brother who’s already almost halfway through his meal. “Don’t eat too fast, or you’ll get sick,” Jihoon says as he takes his seat again, not noticing the sly grin on Chan’s face.

“Sooooooo, who was that? You were smiling and all happy, hyung,” Chan grins around the food in his mouth.

Chan had expected his brother to roll his eyes at him and say something like it actually was just work, or brush it off and ignore Chan’s teasing. He definitely didn’t expect his brother to _blush_ , whole face going pink.

Can’s mouth nearly drops open in shock before he remembers it’s full of food.

“I knew it!” Chan nearly shrieks. He quickly swallows the food in his mouth.“I knew it!” he giggles.

“W-What?” Jihoon splutters, face still red, “What are you talking about?”

Chan isn’t going to let up on the teasing now. “Was it your giiirrrllfriendddd?” his eyes are twinkling, but he doesn’t miss the way Jihoon’s face falls, just the slightest bit. The smile slides from his face.

Jihoon looks stunned, opens his mouth to say something, before closing it again, not sure what to say. Chan watches him for a long moment before he asks, quieter, “Was it your boyfriend?”

Jihoon’s head whips up to stare at him. And for a moment, Chan isn’t sure what his brother’s reaction is. Was he going to reprimand Chan for… thinking of him that way, like it was an insult? Or was it because Chan was actually right, and he was shocked at Chan figuring it out?

It takes Jihoon a long moment to answer.

“Yes,” he says, a very, very quiet admission.

Chan makes sure his smile is just as bright and teasing, as if it were just as normal af it were a girl. It should be.

“Well, now spill,” Chan looks smug, sipping on his soft drink. “I want allllllll the details,”

Jihoon looks down at his food almost sadly. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Channie,”

Chan pouts. “Why not?”

“Because I’m about to be engaged to Sora, remember?”

Chan freezes. He forgot about the girl, the heir to Royal Imports.

Jihoon smiles. “I trust you, and that’s why I’m telling you this, but the less you know, the safer you are,”

“From who, hyung?”

“Our parents. Everyone,” Jihoon smiles, a sad look in his eyes. Chan just nods mutely.

He takes a deep breath then asks, “Can I… Can I ask one question?”

Jihoon chuckles. “Maybe. Depends what it is,”

Chan searches his brother’s eyes for a moment. “Does he make you happy? Like when you were talking on the phone?”

Jihoon stills, looking vulnerable in his shock. Then, very slowly, his face transforms into a gentle smile, a genuine curl of happiness on lips. “Yes. Yes, he does,” Jihoon answers quietly.

Chan beams. “That’s all I need to know,” he says happily. Then he gestures at Jihoon’s food. “You’d better eat up, hyung, your food is getting cold,”

Jihoon looks at his food, as if suddenly realising it was there all along, and then looks at his brother again. His smile is still gentle. “I will, thank you, Channie,” and they both know it’s for more than the food reminder.

“You’re welcome, hyung,” Chan chirps, sipping at his drink. Jihoon eats his food and they’r’e silent for a few moments. Then Chan murmurs, almost under his breath. “I hope I can met him some day. And I’ll ask him if I can call him ‘hyung’ too,”

Jihoon chokes a little on his food, before raising his gaze to look at Chan. He smiles shakily. “I think he would like that,” he murmurs. 

Chan’s grin is so bright, Jihoon captures the image in his mind, folding it carefully and tucking it into a corner of his heart of precious memories to treasure.

 

“So.... Are you going to tell me about Jihoon anytime soon?” Yejin asks as they finish cleaning up. Jeonghan and Junhui just left, so it’s only the two of them. Jihoon had a function tonight, according to Seungcheol, and wouldn’t be stopping by the bar today. Yejin guessed they would go to Seungcheol’s place after though, with how Seungcheol looked like he was itching to leave.

Seungcheol laughs softly, continuing to clean his glass. “What do you mean, noona?” his smile is only slightly strained in confusion.

“I mean the fact that he's obviously not just any normal office worker who happens to find you interesting,” Yejin says.

Seungcheol falters momentarily. “I wonder if I should be insulted, noona,” he laughs, short and strained. Yejin gives him a look that tells him she can see right through him.

“I'm not in charge of your life, Seungcheol, and I can see how happy he makes you, but he's clearly got baggage too, and you seem to at least have an idea about it,” she says. She sighs, untying her apron and hanging it on the side as she thinks through her words. “I just… I don't want this to hurt you, Coups,”

Seungcheol smiles wearily at the old familiar nickname. “You trust me, don't you?”

“I do, and I trust Jihoon. I know he's a good person, but I don't know if he's a good person for you,”

Seungcheol sighs. Yejin places a reassuring hand on his arm. “I'm not saying it won't work or anything, just that I don't know enough to be sure.”

Seungcheol waits a beat before blurting out, “He's the heir to Mansae Enterprises,”

Yejin blinks owlishly at him. “What?”

“Mansae Enterprises. He's the current head sales manager and is set to inherit the company soon,” Seungcheol says bluntly.

Yejin blinks several more times, like it'll help her process.

“I - oh my gosh. No wonder he's always so busy,” she mumbles. Then she looks at Seungcheol. “And you're dating him!!” she cries, mouth dropping open, finger pointed almost accusingly.

Seungcheol laughs softly. “I guess so,”

“What do you mean “you guess so”?! You're dating the heir to Mansae Enterprises!! Do you have any idea how rich he must be?!”

Seungcheol shrugs. “I don't particularly care. I'm dating Lee Jihoon. He just happens to be a rich heir,”

Yejin immediately snaps her mouth shut. “I’m sorry, I didn't mean it like that. I know you're not into him for his money,” she says softly.

Seungcheol’s mouth quirks into a smile. “Most people probably think I am,”

“Most people also probably don't see Jihoon beyond that fact either,” Yejin says, smiling. “We must seem pretty rowdy to his usual crowd, huh?”

“His usual crowd being fifty-year old rich businessmen? Yes, I assume we would be,” Seungcheol grins. “He says he likes it though, spending time with us,”

“He doesn't feel like he has to talk business all the time?”

“He doesn't feel like he has to talk at all if he doesn't want to; he can do whatever he wants, just being him, and we’re okay with it,”

“He said that?”

“No, but based on everything else, it would make sense if it's something like that,” Seungcheol replies, wiping down a bench.

Yejin smiles softly, watching him. “You understand him that well, huh?”

“We do talk a lot, when we’re not making out in my break,” Seungcheol grins. Yejin rolls her eyes, but the affectionate smile doesn't leave her face.

She waits another moment before saying quietly, “I was worried about you going into things so quickly, but I think I was worried for nothing,”

“I can take care of myself, noona,” Seungcheol thumps a fist across his chest proudly. 

Yejin smiles. “I know, and you can take of Jihoon too. And I know he can take care of you as well,”

Seungcheol leans across the bar, smiling warmly at her. He reaches over to tangle both their hands together. “We’ll be okay, noona,”

Yejin smiles back, warm hands squeezing Seungcheol’s larger ones. “I believe in you both,”


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: another short chapter but the next one will be long (unless i decide to break it into two)

Jihoon next sees Sora at a luncheon garden party for the Fitzgerald & Sons fundraising function. She’s dressed impeccably, white dress with colourful flowers fitting of the venue. Her makeup is simple but elegant, hair ends curled and held back by a simple pink headband.

She greets Jihoon smoothly, perfect rows of white teeth flashing just briefly in a nervous smile. Jihoon tries to look reassuring. He thinks she might be scared of him - given how he left their last meeting, he’s not surprised.

“Hello, Jihoon-sshi,” she bows. Jihoon returns it, acknowledging her.

“No classes today?” Jihoon asks her pleasantly, as they stand side by side, surveying everyone around them, a little away from the table. They haven’t been called to take their seats yet.

“I do, actually. Mother said this was important though, so I’ll have to catch up later,” she smiles a little. Jihoon hopes it’s slightly less nervous than before. 

“I hope it’s not too difficult,” Jihoon says. He knows how hard it can be to catch up on missed classes - he does it nearly every week.

Sora just nods, eyes flicking to him before returning to the crowd around them. They watch everyone for a few silent moments before she asks quietly, “Would you… would you like to have coffee some day?”

Jihoon turns to her, surprised and a little confused. He makes sure his face only shows pleasant surprise though.

“Sure, what for?”

He belatedly realises, as Sora looks down at her shoes - little silver strappy wedges that won’t sink in the grass - smiling a little tiredly, that he’s so used to coffee being meetings. Every meeting must have a purpose. There is no such thing as meeting of two people without a purpose. He’s so controlled by the work ethic.

“I thought… given our …. circumstances, we should get to know each other and maybe become friends?” she gives him a hopeful smile.

Jihoon’s mind is totally blank. He didn't even consider that. He had barely about her since the last time he stormed out of the meeting with their parents. He had said he knew she had no say, and yet he had lumped her in with their parents who schemed it all.

“You're right, of course. I'm sorry, I didn't think of it earlier,” Jihoon murmurs.

He thinks for a moment. “Shall we exchange numbers? And I’ll message you my office address?”

Sora smiles a little, a mixture of nervousness and hope and Jihoon is reminded how young she is. Not much younger than him, but he’s not that old either. Neither of them should be worrying about something like marriage already.

They exchange numbers and Jihoon immediately texts her his office address. He hears her phone notify her of the message, which she immediately opens. She smiles at him, and something in that smiles makes Jihoon think maybe she sees herself as a victim of the heir role as much as he does. He doesn’t say anything though as they’re called to take their seats and they both bow a little to each other before going to take their designated seats.

There was a reason he and Soonyoung talked more to each other than other heirs - those who saw themselves as victims were few and far between, and most kept silent about it. It was not something to be shared.

With something like an arranged marriage at such a young age though, Jihoon wouldn’t be surprised if Sora resented her birth, even if only slightly.

 

“You think this is _enough_?!”

The papers are slapped back onto the table and Jihoon sees one of the managers beside him flinch.

“With all due respect, sir - ” one of them begins meekly.

“Respect? I’ll tell you who you need to respect: the shareholders. The company needs to reach the targets we promised, and this doesn’t even come close,” the CEO snaps. “What kind of restructuring plans are these?!”

Jihoon looks at his father, gaze empty. Beside him, all the other managers are standing with their heads bowed, shifting their feet anxiously.

Jihoon tries not to sigh heavily. Instead, he just steps forward.

“The only way we can reach those promised targets in such a short amount of time would be to be triple sales every month, without employing more staff, or to reduce our workforce by half while maintaining the same level of sales,” Jihoon states. “Neither option is impossible, but it is also not easily achievable,”

“If things like this were easily achievable, we wouldn’t be the top company in the industry, now would we?” his father says, tone challenging.

Jihoon takes the challenge, because he clearly doesn’t have any sense of self-preservation.

“No, but we would also be facing an incredible level of employee dissatisfaction, potentially even lawsuits, and be breaching several workplace standards,” Jihoon replies.

“Standards are benchmarks. You won’t always reach every benchmark,” is the reply.

“But they are benchmarks, and they should be achieved in as many aspects as possible, otherwise we could not only face legal action from employees, but also government authorities,” Jihoon answers. “Also, we currently hold a reputation of good employee treatment, unlike many other large companies, in every industry. Breaking that reputation would affect our overall brand and image, affecting not only our sales, but also our efficiency, because the best employees wouldn’t want to work with us,”

Jihoon’s father narrows his eyes at him. Jihoon can feel the eyes of the other managers pressing into his back too.

“So what do you suggest?”

“We can reduce our workforce slightly, and try to have higher efficiency, but do so slowly - in stages. Also offer redundancy packages instead of firing people, to keep employee satisfaction,” Jihoon answers.

“Redundancy packages will be costly,”

“Less costly than if it tarnishes our brand for years,”

Jihoon is scrutinized again. “Very well, Mr Lee. You can initiate this restructuring then. We’ll see if your proposal warrants congratulations when you present your progress report in three months,”

And then they’re dismissed, and Jihoon is left with the heavy weight of trying to lay off 20% of the staff in every department before the end of the month, and not ruin the whole company in the process.

 

Jihoon is seated on the floor, underneath his desk, legs stretched out on the carpet in front of him, gun gripped tightly in his hand. The metal of the gun is cool, despite him holding it for several minutes, but he’s not scared of it.

_It’s too soon_ , Jihoon thinks dully. Since he met Seungcheol, he hasn’t had the urge to find the gun again, but now….

And it's been even longer since Jihoon had held the gun, contemplated putting it to his temple, and not been scared of the outcome.

The only thing he's scared of now is himself. 

Jihoon sucks in a sharp breath, fear consuming him now - not of the gun, or how he has bullets in the drawer which he could load, putting a bullet through his head and ending everything - but of the fact he’s not scared of the gun. That he’s not scared to die.

_Seungcheol_ , his brain supplies numbly. Jihoon fumbles for his phone, hands clammy as he struggles to unlock his phone and find one of the only numbers stored there.

Seungcheol answers after a couple of rings.

“Hey, Jihoonie. You okay? You don't normally call me at this time,” Seungcheol laughs softly.

He grips the gun tightly, out of instinct, keeping that familiar weight in his hands. He hesitates for the first time.

“Hey,” he mumbles, voice tiny. He sounds so weak and pathetic.

“Jihoon? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” Seungcheol’s voice changes from chirpy to worried instantly and Jihoon tries to shake his head, but realises Seungcheol wouldn’t see him.

“Just,” he takes a shaky breath, “keep talking. Please, keep talking,”

“Oh, uhm,” Seungcheol sounds confused, but doesn’t ask yet. He starts talking about Jeonghan pulling another all nighter to finish an assignment, about Jisoo having a new group of fangirls who get in trouble with Yejin because they buy one drink each and then stay for hours and hours, and hog a whole booth.

And as Seungcheol talks, almost pointlessly, Jihoon finally lets the gun slip to the floor, the smooth metal sliding along his fingers until the weapon is on the carpet at his feet. Out of his hands.

He even manages a soft laugh when Seungcheol talks about a customer who was convinced the bar was actually haunted and had kept telling Yejin to be aware of demons, only calming down and leaving after Yejin pretended to call an exorcist and arrange for them to come the next day.

Seungcheol chuckles too, just as soft. Then he asks, “Better, Jihoonie?”

Jihoon realises how much affection is carried in something as simple as the way Seungcheol calls his name. He smiles gently.

“Yeah. Thank you. I - thank you,” he says softly. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” Seungcheol says. “As long as I could help make you feel better, then I’m happy,”

“You make me happy,” Jihoon blurts out. He coughs, as if that would erase the truthful but embarrassing words. “I just… needed to remember you,” he says instead.

“Remember me?” Seungcheol cries, voice high in mock offence. “I’m so heartbroken, Jihoonie. I would have thought you could never forget me,”

Jihoon just smiles softly. “I never would be able to.”

A soft chuckle. “I should hope so,” Seungcheol says, trying to sound confident. Instead it just shows incredible vulnerability - that they both hope for the same, for the other to remember them.


	13. thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: sorry for the late update! more things to come, of course :) thanks for all the support so far <3

“Hey, noona,”

Yejin sighs, drops her towel and turns around with a hand on her hip. “Alright, what favour are you going to ask from me, Seungcheol?”

Seungcheol stares at her. “I didn’t say anything yet!” he protests

“Your tone. I know you want to ask me for a favour,” Yejin smiles a little. “I’ve known you for years, Seungcheol, don’t try and hide stuff from me,” she chuckles.

Seungcheol sighs. “Why are you always right?” 

Yejin grins. “Because I’m awesome. Now, what is it?”

Seungcheol chews the inside of his cheek. “Can I… take a day off next week?”

Yejn blinks at him. “That‘s it? One day?”

Seungcheol nods. Yejin grabs her towel and throw it at his face. “Of course you can, stupid. You’re always okay to move your shifts around as long as someone can cover for you,”

Seungcheol smiles a little. Yejin leans over the counter to smile at him. “Can I ask why? You never take days off. I usually have to force you,”

Seungcheol ducks his head, smiling. 

“I know that smile, Choi Seungcheol,” Yejin grins. “Jihoon?”

“Yeah, it’s his birthday on Friday, but he’s flying to Shanghai that day, so I want to take him out for dinner the night before,”

“Ooooh, romantic,” Yejin’s smile is playful. “Any plans where to go yet?”

Seungcheol barks out with laughter. “You wouldn’t believe it, but… we’re going for fast food,”

Yejin’s eyes widen. “What?”

“I asked him what he wants and he said fast food,” Seungcheol says. “Supposedly he doesn’t get to eat it much,”

“You’re joking,” Yejin murmurs. Seungcheol shrugs, looking highly amused.

“I ordered take-away pizza the other day, and he was so excited, he was like a kid. Then he insisted on paying half, and gave me like three times the price of it,” Seungcheol says.

Yejin sighs, holding her face in her hands. “Jihoonie is…..”

“Naive,” Seungcheol finishes with a nod. “Did you know he didn’t know how to use a washing machine? I did my laundry the other day and he was watching so closely, I was confused and then he said he’s never used one before and,” Seungcheol doesn’t even bother finishing, throwing his hands up as if in defeat.

Yejin smiles warmly. “You really spend a lot of time together, don’t you?”

Seungcheol understands the underlying question. “I really like him, noona,” he says quietly.

“I know,” Yejin answers quietly. Then she grabs one of his ears and tugs him to lean over the counter, “But you’d better buy him a proper present if you’re only taking him to McDonalds,”

Seungcheol goes pink, “I, uh, was actually hoping you could help me with that,”

Yejin almost squeals and lets go of his ear. “Oh my gosh, absolutely. Oh this is so exciting!” she gushes, immediately rattling off various things Seungcheol can buy Jihoon as a birthday present.

 

Jihoon glances at his buzzing phone, looks at his document on the computer, back at his phone. After a few agonizing moments, he sighs, picks up his phones, slides to answer it and wedges the device between his ear and his shoulder.

“Hey,” he murmurs, still typing away.

“Hey, where are you?” Seungcheol’s voice carries over the noise in the background.

“Still at the office,” Jihoon glances at his watch. 7:25pm. He was meant to meet Seungcheol at 7. He is _so_ late. “I’m so sorry, I really have to finish this before I go, and - ”

“Breathe, Jihoonie, it’s fine,” Seungcheol laughs. “I have the night off anyway, so we can just grab dinner whenever you’re done,”

“Are you sure?” Jihoon asks worriedly. He glances at the report on his desk, looking over the figures again.

“Yeah, of course,” Seungcheol murmurs softly. Jihoon imagines his soft smile. His chest aches that he can’t see it in person right now.

“I’m so sorry, I’ll try to get this done as soon as possible,” Jihoon frowns at his document.

“It’s fine. We can get some food closer to your office,” Seungcheol says. “I’ll take the subway over to you, and hang around a convenience store or whatever till you’re finished,”

Jihoon sighs. “Yeah, okay,”

“What’s wrong?” Seungcheol’s voice is worried. 

Jihoon hesitates and makes a face at his computer before he stops typing. He sighs again. “I’m sorry for ruining your plans for the night,” he mumbles.

Seungcheol chuckles. “You haven’t, dear. Just finish your work and then call me, okay?”

Jihoon smiles, a warm feeling in his chest. “Okay,” he says softly.

He hangs up and goes back to his report, all the while the smile never leaving his face.

Seungcheol called him ‘dear’, and the happy warmth in his chest was enveloping him like a cocoon.

 

It’s nearly nine before Jihoon runs out of the office and down the street to the convenience store where Seungcheol is reading something on his phone.

“Hey,” Jihoon greets him, out of breath, but a bright smile on his face.

“Hey,” Seungcheol grins, turning to him, eyes crinkling. “Ready to eat?”

“God, yes. I’m so hungry,” Jihoon moans.

Seungcheol beams. “Then you’re going to love the food,”

Jihoon grins. “Yeah?”

Seungcheol gets to his feet, smile wide. “Hell yeah,”

 

Seungcheol might steal some of Jihoon’s fries and Jihoon might kick him under the table for it, but they mostly just share smiles and stupid stories over their food, before walking out of the fast food restaurant each with a cone of ice-cream despite the cool weather.

“Where to next?” Jihoon asks, tongue darting out to lick the edges of his ice-cream so it doesn’t melt onto his hand.

“Well, if it’s okay with you, we could go to Healing? Yejin-noona said she wanted to say happy birthday to you before you left,” Seungcheol says, already walking in one direction.

Jihoon laughs. “She doesn’t have to, but we can go. I won’t see everyone for a whole week. It’s going to be so boring in Shanghai,” he sighs.

Seungcheol throws an arm around his shoulders and Jihoon wishes they could just hold hands. He knows that Seungcheol does this when he knows they can’t. The business district is still teeming with people.

“It’ll be alright! I’ve figured out how to use that messenger app!” he grins brightly and Jihoon smiles warmly at him.

“Alright, let’s head to Healing,” Jihoon says, and they head back to his office for Jihoon to get his car.

They drive to Healing in relative silence; mostly Seungcheol fiddles with Jihoon’s radio, trying to find a station he likes. In the privacy of the car, their hands find each other every now and again, Seungcheol pressing his lips to Jihoon’s fingers once, making Jihoon glance at him curiously. Seungcheol just smiles and kisses his knuckles, and Jihoon turns back to the road, though there’s a smile on his lips and a blush on his cheeks.

In the foyer of Healing, Jihoon pauses to pick up a marker to write on the board, but before he can, Seungcheol grabs his wrist.

“I - ,” he hesitates. Then he digs a hand into his pocket and withdraws a simple black leather wallet, holding it out to Jihoon. “Sorry I didn’t get to wrap it, or get you a card but - ”

Jihoon stares at it. “Is this for me?”

Seungcheol blinks at him stupidly. “Well, yes. It’s your birthday present,” then he falters, “unless you don’t want it - ”

He’s cut off by Jihoon grabbing his face and kissing him deeply. He’s a little breathless when they pull apart. 

“I’ll… take it you like it then,” he murmurs. Jihoon laughs, beaming.

“I do. You didn’t have to get me anything,” he takes the wallet carefully. Then he looks up to smile at Seungcheol, “Thank you, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol smiles and steals a kiss. “You’re welcome, dear. Happy birthday.”

Jihoon smiles, looking incredibly pleased. Seungcheol watches him move the contents of his wallet - which is worn and with one edge beginning to fray - in o the new one. Then, Jihoon grabs a marker, hands Seungcheol one and they both scribble on the board.

_This is the best birthday I‘ve ever had_ and _Tonight is a precious memory_ are left behind on the board as they enter Healing together.

Yejin immediately runs out from behind the counter to smother Jihoon in a hug. She shuffles Seungcheol and Jihoon into a booth, insisting their drinks are on the house tonight and that she’ll come back with Jihoon’s present in a minute.

Jihoon laughs good-naturedly and just accepts it, while Seungcheol looks baffled as to why he’s been included. In the end, Eric is the one who comes over with their two drinks, pushes Seungcheol down when he tries to help, and then brings over three small boxes.

“This is from Yejin and I,” he says pointing to one, “and these are from the other boys,” he slides the two boxes to Jihoon. “And this is for the both of you from all of us,” he smiles warmly, pushing the third box into the middle of the table between them.

Seungcheol and Jihoon look confused. “What for?” Seungcheol asks, reaching for it.

“Did you guys not realise?” Eric looks surprised. He glances around before leaning down between them to whisper, “It was your 100 days last week,”

He leaves them without another word as Jihoon and Seungcheol look at each other with wide eyes.

100 days. They’ve already spent 100 days together. They both blush a little before sharing giddy smiles, Seungcheol opening the box to find two simple bracelets inside. It’s just black string with a single metal charm on it, but they’re matching. Jihoon helps Seungcheol put it on, and Seungcheol helps Jihoon with his, the two of them grinning at each other the whole time.

Jihoon opens his presents, finding a pale purple tie from Jeonghan, Jisoo and Junhui, while Yejin and Eric gave him a set of cufflinks and a tie clip. Seungcheol watches fondly as Jihoon stares at his presents with a happy smile on his face.

Yejin comes over a little while later with a birthday cake, apologizes for not being to close the bar early and celebrate with them, kisses Jihoon’s cheek and then hurries off back to the bar.

Jeonghan and Jisoo each come by to sit with them for a few minutes and wish Jihoon happy birthday, before they have to go back to the bar, and Junhui comes by a bit later too. But for the most part, the two of them just sit in the booth, eating cake and talking. Seungcheol’s foot keeps nudging Jihoon playfully under the table, and Jihoon usually just raises an eyebrow at him before going back to eating his cake. They talk about so many different things, and as Jihoon looks at the black bracelet on his wrist, he wonders how he still finds Seungcheol so fascinating after talking pretty much every day for more than a hundred days. He quietly wonders if they’ll ever grow bored of each other, and if that will mean the end for them. He wishes and hopes that never happens.

When they finish their cakes and drinks, it’s nearly midnight, and Seungcheol nudges Jihoon with his foot. “Hey, want to come over?”

“My flight is at 8am,” Jihoon murmurs.

“You’re driving yourself, right? You can go from my place straight to the airport - it’d be closer anyway,” Seungcheol says. The look in his eyes is pleading, and Jihoon doesn’t blame him. They haven’t had a moment alone all night - not really. Jihoon wants some time to just hold Seungcheol without worrying about repercussions or who might be watching.

“My suitcase is at home,” Jihoon murmurs, “I could go get it, and then come over to yours?”

“I’ll boil water in the kettle for coffee,” Seungcheol beams and Jihoon returns the smile so easily. Jihoon feigns a throw of the remaining cake at Yejin, who actually flinches away, and all of them share a laugh before the two of them leave.

They steal another kiss in the foyer before Seungcheol sets off to the subway station and Jihoon gets in his car and drives home.

The house is quiet when he enters, the compound eerie in its silence.

Jihoon slips off his shoes and climbs the stairs quickly, eager to be off to Seungcheol’s place, where they can kiss and hold hands and _be together_ without having to be fearful.

He fumbles for the light switch, sure he left a packed suitcase just by his bed. But the small black case isn’t the only thing that greets him when the lights come on.

In the middle of his bedroom floor, there’s a little cake, a single candle on top, and a pack of matches beside it. Not a metre away, lying on his bed, but legs dangling over the edge, is Chan, asleep in one of Jihoon’s jackets he had given to Chan after the younger had said he liked it.

Jihoon looks at the cake again, before his eyes fall on Chan and realisation hits him like a sucker punch to the gut.

Swallowing thickly, Jihoon picks up the cake and matches and puts it on the desk in his room. Then hee steps out of the room, turns off the light and pulls out his phone.

It rings twice before Seungcheol answers.

“I’m just getting out at my station, Jihoonie, I’ll call you back when - ”

“I’m… not going to come over,” Jihoon murmurs.

Seungcheol stops. “What?”

“I’m sorry, Seungcheol, but Chan he… he fell asleep waiting up for me to surprise me with cake, I - ”

_I can’t leave him now_ is unspoken but understood in the silence after Jihoon’s words.

Jihoon imagines Seungcheol’s sad small smile when he answers, “I understand. You don’t spend much time with him, so you should stay,”

Jihoon makes a face. He wishes he wasn’t in this situation, that he wasn’t so torn.

“I’m sorry, Seungcheol,” he says again.

Seungcheol doesn’t answer that, instead he says, “Message me when you get to Shanghai?”

“I will,” Jihoon says. He hesitates another moment, another apology on the tip of his tongue, but in the end all he manages is a gentle, sorrowful, “Goodnight, Seungcheol,”

“Goodnight, Jihoon,” Seungcheol murmurs and then Jihoon can’t stand the heavy silence, so he hangs up. He sighs before turning back to his room.

He crouches by the bed, hand reaching for Chan’s face, the teenager stirring as Jihoon strokes his cheek. Jihoon hushes him and retracts his hand. Very carefully, he pulls Chan’s socks off and rolls him out of his jacket and onto the bed properly.

Chan mumbles something in his sleep but doesn’t seem to wake fully. Jihoon changes out of his suit quickly and then climbs into the bed behind his brother. Chan turns when the bed dips and Jihoon easily pulls him to his chest, tucking Chan’s head under his chin.

“Hyung?” Chan mumbles, voice thick with sleep.

“Shh,” Jihoon hushes him, stroking his hair and beginning to hum absently.

“Hyung…. There’s cake….” Chan murmurs sleepily.

“I know, Channie. It’s okay. We’ll eat it later,” Jihoon says, heart clenching tightly in his chest. He knows he won’t be able to eat it with Chan the next morning - his flight is at eight, so he’ll have to leave the house before Chan has to get up for school. He wouldn’t be back for a week, and after that who knew when he would next be home at a decent hour, with quarterly reports and budgets deadlines approaching.

But most of all, his guilt lies in _forgetting_ Chan. 

He hadn’t thought of Chan all night, hadn’t considered that Chan would remember his birthday, or want to surprise him before he went overseas. He had forgotten Chan, and if he hadn’t left his suitcase at home, he wouldn’t have even realised Chan had been waiting for him. He was going to stay at Seungcheol’s without any thought of his own younger brother.

Jihoon pulls Chan closer and murmurs promise after promise into his hair in the dark of his room. Promises to always remember Chan, to think of him, even when he was with Seungcheol, who made him happier than anyone ever had; to keep Chan important in his heart, and never let him be hurt by anyone, but least of all, by himself.

He falls asleep with his lips pressed to Chan’s hair, where he had whispered promises that he never intended to break.

 

Seungcheol hangs up and heaves a sigh. He climbs out of the station with slow steps, heart heavy in his chest, making his feet feel like lead. He rummages through his pockets for an item he hasn’t used for a while - he’s taken to only having one cigarette during his break at work, and never any outside his work hours at the dock warehouses. Because Jihoon hated it, and Seungcheol’s desire to please Jihoon was stronger than his addiction to tobacco.

Even today, Seungcheol had not taken one during his break, determined to make the night with Jihoon perfect for his birthday.

Not that he didn’t understand why Jihoon couldn’t come anymore, but still, it wasn’t the ending of the night that Seungcheol wanted. He didn’t need much - just a handful of slow, happy kisses with a young man who made his heart race, and yet still feel comforted.

The white stick glows with burning embers and Seungcheol stares at the dark night sky beyond all the city lights. He inhales and the smoke and tobacco burn his lungs, almost like a punishment.

He knows Jihoon is staying home for his brother, and part of him is relieved for it, but Seungcheol can’t deny the selfish part of him that hurt; the part of him that wanted Jihoon to be with him anyway, and missed him.

Seungcheol exhales smoke, watching the cloud pool in the middle of the air in front of him, eyes watching it sadly, wishing it could magically leave behind Jihoon when the wind carried it away.

The smoke dissipates and there’s only empty space in its wake.


	14. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: just a heads up that updates this semester might be a little slower than last sem - i have more things going on and (at the moment) am exhausted physically/mentally/emotionally, but I do have the next few chapters after this mostly ready, so i'll do my best to update when I can. as always, thanks for your support <3

Shanghai is, predictably, boring. Jihoon messages Seungcheol and Chan whenever he’s not in meetings, or eating a meal with rich important people and trying to remember all the Mandarin he learned in high school.

After a week, he takes the short flight back and sleeps the rest of the day away. The working week begins again the next day, and Jihoon works late checking his department’s results and preparing reports. His classes also drop several assignments, and a few exams towards the end of the year, and Jihoon barely goes home, even working most of the weekend.

It’s a rare weeknight where Jihoon doesn’t have a function and has taken the night off from checking budgets and quarterly reports. He handed an assignment in the night before too, so he goes to Healing.

Seungcheol is happy to see him obviously. It’s the first time he’s visited in a fortnight, and after many messages and the occasional voice call when Jihoon is getting a headache and Seungcheol is heading home from Healing, Seungcheol doesn’t even wait for his break before tugging Jihoon by the hand to the back room simply to hug him tightly.

“He was going crazy,” Yejin tells him later, when Seungcheol has gotten his dose of hugging Jihoon, and they’re back at the bar, Jihoon perched at his usual seat, and Seungcheol making drinks nearby. “You should have seen him, he’d keep checking his phone and kept looking up like an excited puppy whenever someone came through the door.”

Seungcheol sends her a badly concealed unamused glare and Jihoon laughs softly. “Sorry you had to put up with him; work has been busy,”

“I can tell,” Yejin says, sounding almost like she’s scolding him. “You need to look after yourself, Jihoonie,” she says, leaning over the bar, voice gentler now.

“I know,” Jihoon smiles tiredly at her. “I will, don’t worry. It’s nearly over.”

“Are you sure about that?” she raises an eyebrow at him and he laughs.

“You’re too perceptive, noona,” he tells her.

“All work is the same,” Yejin answers, moving back to wipe the bench, “once one wave ends, a new one starts. It never really stops,”

“Yeah,” Jihoon agrees with a heavy sigh. She disappears to the other end of the bar to attend a customer.

Soonyoung comes through the doors then, happily leeching onto Jihoon until Jihoon elbows him. Soonyoung eventually relents, but only after pinching his cheek once and telling him to eat more - he was losing his cheeks, supposedly.

After Soonyoung leaves, Jeonghan comes over to talk to him some subject he’s taking next semester. They’re heavy in discussion about the pros and cons of Jeonghan taking one elective over another, when there’s a crash of thunder outside, the sound reverberating through the walls of the bar. Jihoon jumps a little, head whipping towards the door.

“Wow, it must be pouring outside,” Jeonghan comments. “It was really grey all day,” Jihoon hasn’t turned away from where he’s looking at the door.

“Jihoon? Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks a little further down the bar, watching him. The sound of rain above them resonates through the roof.

Jihoon turns back to him, smile strained. “I - I have to go, sorry. I’ll call you later, okay?”

Seungcheol barely even manages to call his name before Jihoon is out of his chair and pushing open the door to Healing’s foyer area.

“Wow, that was fast,” Jeonghan says. He glances at Seungcheol once before going back to making the drink he was mixing, not making any further comment.

Seungcheol watches the door, waiting for Jihoon to come back through them, but the doors remain closed, thunder and heavy rain rumbling outside.

“He’s not going to come back tonight,”

Seungcheol tears his gaze away from the door to see Soonyoung standing by the bar, gaze fixed at the door where Jihoon had run out so suddenly. “How do you know that?” he asks

Soonyoung chuckles and orders another beer. “There’s only one person who can make Jihoon run out a door that fast,” then he looks at Seungcheol, expression almost contemplative, “though you might be the other exception,”

Seungcheol doesn’t answer, still confused what Soonyoung is saying.

Soonyoung just smiles. “Jihoon would do anything to protect Chan,” he says. “If he could literally take thunder in a one on one fight, he would.”

“I don’t understand what you’re saying,” Seungcheol says, trying to understand Soonyoung’s riddles.

Soonyoung just grins as Seungcheol hands him his drink. “Chan is scared of thunder. Jihoon’s gone home to protect him from the big bad thunder sounds,” he says casually before going back to his friends. Seungcheol goes back to staring at the door, but this time he isn’t waiting for Jihoon to come back. He’s just listening for the end of the thunderstorm.

It stops about an hour later, sometime before midnight, and Seungcheol just smiles.

When Soonyoung comes to order a drink for his friend soon after, Seungcheol just says: “I guess Jihoon won that battle,”

And the two of them share a smile.

 

Jihoon sighs as he puts on his coat, head throbbing and spinning with numbers. He can’t bring himself to stay back trying to push through more reports, and attempting any readings for class would be pointless. He’s surprised to find Raina still typing away at her desk when he steps out of his office .

“I thought you usually leave by six?” Jihoon says, looking truly puzzled.

Raina smiles serenely. “Didn’t think it was fair if you’re always here until midnight when I leave at six every day,” she says.

Jihoon waves it off. “My working hours have nothing to do with yours,” he says, “and besides, I don’t always work until midnight.”

“I know you do some of your classwork here, but you’re still here until late most nights,” Raina answers. Then she sees his coat and looks confused. “I don’t remember you having a function tonight, Jihoon-sshi,”

“Oh, uh,” Jihoon stammers, “I don’t, I’m uh, having dinner with a friend,”

Rania’s mouth falls open. “Oh,” she says, face lighting up in a smile. “Well, have fun then,”

Jihoon nods mutely, hoping he doesn’t look as eager to leave as he is. “Don’t leave too late,” he says and she smiles before waving to him as he heads towards the lifts. 

 

Jihoon knocks on Seungcheol’s door, sighing heavily. He had only called Seungcheol when he was leaving the office - their usual dinners on Monday or Tuesday when Healing was closed had become so unpredictable because of work, Jihoon had eventually said he would call Seungcheol if he _could_ make it.

The guilt of calling saying he could come was almost as much as the guilt he used to feel when he had to cancel. They could only see each other when _Jihoon’s_ schedule let it - Seungcheol adjusting according to when Jihoon could make it.

Seungcheol opens the door slowly, before he spots Jihoon and opens the door wide, grin bright. Jihoon tries to mirror it, relief flooding him as he practically falls into Seungcheol’s embrace, Seungcheol closing the door as he hugs Jihoon close.

“Long day at work?” he asks softly, rubbing comforting lines along the ridge of Jihoon’s back.

Jihoon just nods mutely. It’s so comforting for him, just standing there, letting Seungcheol hold him close. He raises his arms to reciprocate, arms wrapping around Seungcheol’s torso and he can feel Seungcheol smile against his hair. Seungcheol radiates warmth and Jihoon tries to soak it up.

“C’mon, let’s eat,” Seungcheol says eventually, voice gentle and quiet. Jihoon answers him by stepping back and kissing him sweetly before the two of them head to the kitchen.

They finish cooking, then sit at Seungcheol’s tiny table to eat, Jihoon reaching over once when Seungcheol gets some rice on his cheek and is oblivious to its existence. Jihoon smiles, heart warm, at the cute smile Seungcheol gives him when he thanks him.

They clean up while discussing the latest movie Seungcheol had watched on TV - Star Trek - and whether humans would eventually live in space.

Jihoon answers his phone after that - supposedly there was some problem with a supplier in Europe - and Seungcheol kisses his cheek before going to do his laundry downstairs.

When he returns, Jihoon is sitting against the wall on his bed, a stack of papers in his hands. Seungcheol smiles at the familiar, comforting sight of Jihoon in his apartment. He puts his laundry away silently before climbing onto the bed, shuffling Jihoon forward until he can sit behind him. Seungcheol wraps his arms around Jihoon’s torso and tugs until Jihoon is leaning back against his chest, warm and content. 

Jihoon hums quietly, asking if he's fine without opening his mouth. Seungcheol feels the warmth in his chest bloom like a flower in spring as he nuzzles his nose in Jihoon’s soft hair.

“I'm fine. What are you reading?” Seungcheol murmurs and pretends he doesn't notice how Jihoon tries not to flinch.

“Something for class,” Jihoon sighs heavily before turning to Seungcheol, expression worried. “I’m sorry I have to study in our time together, it’s just that there’s an exam next week so I - ”

Seungcheol hushes him and kisses him softly. “It’s okay, Jihoon. I don’t mind,” he nuzzles his face into Jihoon’s shoulder. “I get to hold you like this, that’s enough for me,”

Jihoon sighs. “I’ll just finish the page, and then I’ll put this away,” he says. Seungcheol just hums quietly against his neck, comfortable and content. 

When he finishes the page, Jihoon does as he promises. Seungcheol nuzzles his nose against Jihoon’s soft hair as he shuffles his papers into order. “Can you stay the night?” he asks.

Jihoon turns around in his arms enough to give him a smile and a kiss on the nose.

“When have I ever been able to say no to you?” he murmurs before breaking into a bright smile and Seungcheol feels his heart flutter with warmth.

_I love you,_ his brain whispers, _I love you so much_. But he doesn't voice it, just kisses Jihoon tenderly, fingers curling into the material of Jihoon’s shirt. Jihoon turns around in his arms until he's straddling Seungcheol, smirking down at him before leaning over until their lips collide messily.

Seungcheol gasps against Jihoon’s mouth as he wonders when he won't be too scared of Jihoon leaving to say those words.

 

“Take care at work today, okay?” Jihoon murmurs, squeezing his hand. Seungcheol just smiles warmly, swinging their intertwined hands between them

“Of course. I'll see you soon,” he leans over and presses a gentle kiss to Jihoon’s pink lips. He watches Jihoon climb into his car and drive off into the early morning quiet. 

He walks with a spring in his step, humming the melody of a song that Jihoon must have been listening to at some point last night. He arrives at the warehouse a little early, but he's not fussed, just steps inside and begins to get ready to start his day at work.

He's barely checked the list of tasks for the day before his supervisor steps up to him.

“Seungcheol,” he says tightly, smile strained when Seungcheol turns to him. “A word in my office, if you will?”

Seungcheol is confused but nods wordlessly, and follows the man into his tiny office to the side of the warehouse, door clicking shut behind him with finality.


	15. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **a/n:** please heed the warnings i mentioned in the beginning (listed below again). This is one of the chapters with triggering content, so please be aware when reading this chapter (not all apply, but please just be aware).  
>  **warnings:** in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations

Seungcheol steps into Healing unsteadily, shoulders slumped, head down. Jeonghan looks up from where he’s cleaning glasses.

“You’re late,” he teases, sly grin on his lips, but Seungcheol doesn’t look up. Jeonghan stares at him as he makes his way behind the counter. It’s now he notices the facemask Seungcheol is wearing and how his hair seems to be falling into his eyes even more than usual.

“Seungcheol? Are you okay? Are you sick?” Jeonghan asks.

“Who is sick and still here?” Yejin calls out from the back, “Whoever it is, I will drag him out of here by his hair,” she says as she steps out.

Jeonghan is laughing but Yejin freezes as she sees Seungcheol’s back half turned away from her. She sees the way he’s slouched, trying to look small and fade away, even though he’s not small in the slightest. She sees the face mask over his face and her heart twists. She knows that look all too well.

“Choi Seungcheol. Back room. Now,” her voice is like steel and Seungcheol glances up just slightly. Yejin sees the look in his eyes, but she also sees the black eye he’s tried to hide behind his hair. Jeonghan seems to see it too, judging by his badly concealed gasp.

“Now.”

Seungcheol shuffles towards the back room and Yejin tries to plaster a pleasant smile on her face. “Jeonghan, please take care of the bar today. Tell Jisoo to come in earlier if he can.”

Jeonghan looks confused but obediently nods. Yejin whirls around and storms into the backroom, Eric following closely.

Seungcheol is hunched over in the fold out chair. Yejin takes big steps until she’s standing beside him. Seungcheol lifts his head just slightly and Yejin raises her arm as if she wants to hit him, face twisted in conflict. Her hand hovers in the air for a long moment, but then she lets out a frustrated groan and drops her arm, crouching in front of him. She looks at him, eyes filled with inexplicable sadness and, very gently, pulls the face mask off his face.

There’s a couple of plasters on his face, but it doesn’t hide much. There’s a deep cut across his cheekbone and another on his forehead, smaller scratches on his nose and under his eye. There’s a red blotch of a bruise at the corner of his mouth, lip split. And of course there’s the black eye.

Yejin’s crouched in front of him and looking like she’s desperately trying not to cry.

“Who?” she asks in a tight whisper.

Seungcheol glances at her briefly before looking away.

“Seungcheol, I swear -”

“It’s fine, noona,” Seungcheol says softly. He’s rising from the chair, reaching for his facemask.

Yejin steps in front of him. “If you even think of going back out there to work, Seungcheol - ”

“I can’t afford not to work tonight, noona,” is all he answers.

And Yejin understands immediately. His other work. “I’m going to kill those fuckers - !” Eric grabs her around the waist as she tries to leave, and she struggles futilely, trying to scramble for the door.

“Damn it, Eric, let me go!” she shrieks in English.

“Amy, calm down,” he says softly. “They shouldn’t be your priority right now.”

Yejin stops in her struggling, turning back to see Seungcheol still standing there, head lowered. Yejin’s heart breaks at the sight all over again. It’s been years since someone had taken that confidence from Seungcheol, and she knows all too well how many years it’ll take for him to regain it.

“Seungcheol… “ she steps up to him and gets him to sit down again. She sighs as she crouches in front of him, hands gripping his tightly. She waits a few moments before she says. “Okay,” over and over again - to comfort him or her, neither of them know. “Okay, but… let me fix you up first, okay?”

Seungcheol shakes his head. “If I wear the mask, the customers won’t be able to tell - ”

“I don’t give a damn what the customers think,” Yejin nearly growls. “You’re hurt and you think I care more about customers right now?”

She sighs again. Normally, Seungcheol would tease her, saying sighing makes her shorter. But now, he is silent. 

“Besides,” she says as she forces herself to get to her feet and rummage for the first aid kit, “you can’t let Jihoon see you like this,”

Seungcheol sucks in a sharp breath, as if suddenly remembering Jihoon, and not dwelling on the past of eight years ago.

As Yejin applies antiseptic and plasters to what she can, Seungcheol won’t meet her eyes. Yejin wonders what he’s thinking. Is he remembering eight years ago? Or is he thinking of Jihoon, thinking of now?

“What about the other ones?” she asks softly as Eric hands her ice wrapped in a cloth and she gives it to him to apply to his eye. 

“What other ones?” Seungcheol mumbles, flinching a little when he applies the ice.

“The ones I can’t see, Seungcheol,” she says softly. “I’ll deal with the external ones first, then we’ll talk about the internal ones,”

Seungcheol winces and Yejin doesn’t know which hurts him more - the bruises that probably cover his body like patchwork, or the scars in his heart that have been ripped open again.

“Just bruises,” Seungcheol says quietly, but when he tries to sit up straight, he winces again. “I think,”

Yejin sighs. “I would say go see a doctor, but I know you won’t,” she says. “Bruised ribs?”

“Probably,” Seungcheol mumbles. It’s then that there’s a shout from the bar and they all turn towards the doorway. Yejin gives him a look that says “Stay,” before she gets to her feet to go check it out.

What happens instead is that she’s almost bowled over by Jihoon, who stumbles into the room. Jihoon takes one look at Seungcheol, holding an ice-pack to his eye, face covered in fresh bruises or plasters, and he seems to stop breathing for a moment. Seungcheol meets his gaze with wide eyes, before looking away, expression pained.

“Seungcheol?” Jihoon’s voice is barely above a whisper, so small and vulnerable; but before he can step forward, cradle Seungcheol’s face in his hands, Yejin puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t ask him what happened,” she whispers softly in warning. Her usual smiling face is serious. Jihoon doesn’t know what to make of it.

“But - ”

“Just don’t. And... if he’s… hesitant in any way, know it’s not your fault,” she thinks for a moment. “There’s a lot that’s happened in his past, and even if he doesn’t share it with you just yet, know he’s already opened up to you more than anyone else,” and then she lets go of his shoulder and leaves the room. Eric offers him a faint smile and then follows her out, closing the door behind him, until it’s just Seungcheol and Jihoon left in the room.

Jihoon is at a loss of words, and Seungcheol will barely look at him. A couple of times, he turns to glance at him, as if he wants to talk to him, but then he looks away and acts like he wants to hide. Jihoon is struggling to comprehend; he makes himself walk over anyway.

He kneels in front of Seungcheol, trying to position himself in Seungcheol’s line of sight. “Hey,” he murmurs, hand hesitantly reaching for Seungcheol’s face, mindful of all the bandages and bruises.

“Seungcheol,” he’s glad his voice is steady, not cracking like how his heart is shattering in his chest. “Please look at me,” 

Seungcheol’s eyes flicker to his just once and that’s enough for Jihoon. It’s enough to see the broken, child-like fear in Seungcheol’s eyes that Jihoon knows he will never fully understand.

He forces a deep breath before he hesitantly reaches a hand up to run it through Seungcheol’s dark hair very slowly, careful of any injuries hidden beneath the black locks, but Seungcheol doesn’t flinch or wince. He also doesn’t say anything, so Jihoon takes it as his way of saying it was okay for Jihoon to keep doing it.

Jihoon runs his hand through Seungcheol’s hair slowly, other hand wrapped around Seungcheol’s fingers. They have plasters too. 

He does it again and again. Seungcheol won’t look at him and Jihoon can’t look away.

After a little while, Seungcheol’s breathing is no longer shaky and he seems calmer. Very gently, he pulls Jihoon’s hand away from his head, the faintest of weak smiles on his lips. Then he stands and grabs the facemask that was left on the chair beside him. It covers most of the injuries on his face.

Jihoon immediately moves to his side, worried he needs help walking. What he doesn’t expect is for Seungcheol to take a step away from him.

Jihoon stares at him. Seungcheol is avoiding his gaze, but Jihoon can see the conflicted expression on his face. Why? What happened? The questions feel like they’re burning holes in his chest.

“You probably shouldn’t be seen with me,” Seungcheol says through the mask. Jihoon wants to ask him what he means by that, but Seungcheol simply continues, “Wait here for a few minutes before coming out to the bar. Please, Jihoon.”

There’s something in the desperation in his voice that has Jihoon nodding mutely. Seungcheol hesitates for a moment and Jihoon sees his hand raise just slightly, like he wants to ruffle Jihoon’s hair - something Jihoon always protests about, but they both know is some sort of comfort to both of them. Instead, Seungcheol just nods and leaves the room.

Jihoon stares at the door for a long moment before he collapses into the chair Seungcheol just vacated and tries to process everything that happened - Seungcheol’s injuries, his silence, avoidance and hesitation, but also Jeonghan’s confusion, Yejin’s serious expression and words of warning.

Jihoon doesn’t understand anything.

When he comes out of the back room sometime later, he slips into the main bar area wordlessly. He sees Seungcheol working silently amongst all the drinks - Seungcheol makes most of the drinks while Jeonghan and Jisoo take the orders.

Jihoon doesn’t know if he can watch Seungcheol work silently, knowing what’s beneath that facemask and the lost, empty look in his eyes that probably isn’t processing anything in front of him. So he makes for the door, to go outside and clear his head until things make sense again.

Jihoon doesn’t realise there’s a pair of sad eyes watching him as he leaves.

 

Seungcheol doesn’t take off the mask until it’s only him and Yejin left at Healing. Jeonghan and Jisoo clearly had questions, but one glare from Yejin and they kept a wide berth. Seungcheol knew they wouldn’t have pried anyway - they knew Seungcheol would share when he was ready. If he was ever ready.

“Someone found out?” Yejin asks him, as the two of them sit at the bar, nursing cool cups of water. Seungcheol is holding an ice-pack to his eye again.

“The manager,” Seungcheol says, “said he saw me kiss a guy in the morning on the way to work.” He takes a shaky breath. “Said he didn’t want someone like that working for the company, no matter how far down the ladder I am. Said it could affect reputation, tarnish the brand name.”

Seungcheol stares at the clear liquid in the glass. “He said it was nothing personal,”

“Bullshit,” Yejin scowls. She sighs and looks at him tiredly. “You were with Jihoon?”

“Of course,” Seungcheol says immediately, as if it’s added insult that he’d be with anyone else. He looks down, and Yejin feels like the shame is radiating off him like steam. “It was basically deserted and I didn’t think anyone would see a quick kiss before we split for work,”

Yejin’s gaze turns cold. “Clearly someone did. And it was someone that cared.”

Seungcheol nods wordlessly. “So how did the rest happen?” Yejin asks quietly.

“The other workers must have heard through rumours or whatever, why I wasn’t going to continue working that day. I was waiting for some of the final paperwork - so they could give me the last of my pay, and the other guys called me outside, said they wanted to properly say bye.” Seungcheol shudders a little.

Yejin’s frown is so deep, it looks carved into her face, but before she can express her anger, they hear the rattle of the front doors, and then a tentative knock.

Yejin groans. “What about the ‘closed’ sign do they not understand?” she grumbles, jumping off the bar stool to go tell the person they were closed.

Seungcheol glances at his phone. Jihoon still hasn’t messaged him or tried to call ever since he left. Seungcheol wonders if Jihoon is disgusted with him too. He tries not to dwell on it.

Yejin returns before he can continue that thought, and behind her, is Jihoon. Seungcheol’s eyes widen and he gets up from the stool, but doesn’t move further than that. He isn’t sure he can. Jihoon walks over to him calmly, expression unreadable.

He stops in front of Seungcheol and neither of them move for a moment, then Jihoon slowly reaches up, guides Seungcheol’s head to his shoulder and wraps his arms around his neck.  
“I’m sorry for leaving,” he whispers softly. “I just needed some time to think.”

In his arms, Seungcheol is frozen, as if he doesn’t know how to respond to the sudden affection - especially after all the hostility of the day. 

“I’m sorry. I’m here now,”

And Seungcheol melts, holding Jihoon back tightly, even as his ribs and everything protests in pain. He holds Jihoon tightly, trying to stop his tears, because even though Jihoon is part of the reason all this happened, he doesn’t know that, and he doesn’t know how he makes Seungcheol feel like all the pain doesn’t matter. As long as Jihoon is still here at the end of it, then Seungcheol doesn’t care how many bruises there are.

Jihoon just holds him close, hand running through his hair, hushing his muffled sobs. 

“It’s okay, I’m here, I’m here.”

Jihoon doesn’t know what’s going on, but somehow he knows what to say. Seungcheol just holds onto him tighter. Neither of them notice Yejin leave the keys on the counter quietly and leave soundlessly.

It takes a long time before Seungcheol calms down enough to let Jihoon go. He doesn’t let go of his hands though, the two of them taking seats at the bar.

“Let me see,” Jihoon says softly, urging Seungcheol to lift his head. It’s almost like it’s become his default - to hang his head and avoid everyone’s eyes.

Slowly, Seungcheol obeys and Jihoon tries not to cry looking at all the cuts and bruises on his face, and all the ones he knows he can’t see. Jihoon gets out of his chair and steps up to Seungcheol to gently kiss the bruise at the corner of his mouth, kiss the plaster over the cut under his eye, the swollen black eye that flutters closed. Seungcheol grips Jihoon’s hands tightly as the brunette gently kisses every injury, ending it with a soft one on his lips. Seungcheol winces a little, because of the split lip, and Jihoon hurriedly apologizes, expression creased in worry.

Seungcheol just smiles a small, tired smile before pulling him into a tight embrace.

It brings both of them comfort they desperately need.

“Will you tell me what happened?” Jihoon asks after a long moment. 

Seungcheol shakes his head and Jihoon sighs, hands twisting at the bottom of Seungcheol’s shirt. “Okay,” he says. A deep breath. “Okay.”


	16. sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: its here x_______x sorry again for the lateness, I really hate going out of schedule (i try to update once a week) but life was genuinely killing me (and still is) (this goose got herself sick T___T) I will still do my best to update but the next month or so looks hectic;____; I'll try to keep you guys up to date on twitter (@neoragodestiny) if I know ahead of time I can't update (why does posting take so long!!!!!!! argh!!! formatting why!!!!!!)  
> anyway, this chapter!!! is one of my faves. the title comes from some of Jihoon's words here, so I guess it's the explanation of the title? and why i chose (eyyy) it as title  
> thanks for the support despite my disorganised hectic life ;________; ilu all! <3

“Seungcheol,” Jihoon murmurs softly, hands playing with Seungcheol’s hair again. Seungcheol is noticing that Jihoon really likes doing that. Maybe it’s because he thinks it’s Seungcheol way of showing vulnerability and showing that he trusts Jihoon. “Maybe I can help you until you find another job,”

“What do you mean?” Seungcheol asks, head rising slightly from where it lies in Jihoon’s lap, but Jihoon just guides him to lie back down.

“Your rent, or your electricity bill, or something. Let me pay it this month,” he’s still looking at the television playing some B-grade action film. He’s surprised when Seungcheol sits up and moves away, expression dark.

“No,” Seungcheol says sternly.

Jihoon looks confused. “Why not? Seungcheol, you got paid early, but I know you’re going to barely make this month’s rent. It’s okay to ask for help sometimes,”

“I’m not taking your money,”

“Is my money dirty or something?” Jihoon frowns.

“No. But it’s yours. So it shouldn’t pay for my things,” Seungcheol says.

“Aren’t I your boyfriend? I mean, it’s not like everything of mine is yours kind of thing, but I think you’re entitled a little of my things if you need them,” Jihoon replies.

Seungcheol makes a face. “I don’t need your money,”

Jihoon sighs and runs a hand over his face. “Why are you so adamant in refusing help from others?” he asks. “Yejin-noona said you refused her too,”

“I don’t need your help,”

“It’s okay to ask for help sometimes, Seungcheol,”

“I don’t need it,”

Jihoon looks at the defensive flame in his eyes, analyses the way his hands are balled in fists, the way he’s watching Jihoon carefully, like he’s prepared to fight.

“Do you think we’re pitying you?” he asks quietly.

Seungcheol’s mask of anger and defiance flashes to surprise and vulnerability for a brief second, before it’s gone again, the anger and defiance coming back even stronger.

“I don’t want you to pity me,” he says. He expects Jihoon to sigh and grumble and drop it. He doesn’t expect the pillow thrown at his face.

“It's not out of pity!” Jihoon shrieks. When he raises his eyes, his gaze is blazing. “I'm not trying to help you out of damn _pity_ , Seungcheol. I don't pity you. Do you think I look down at you?”

“Why else would you be offering? You wouldn’t be helping me unless it was out of pity - ,”

“Not every action someone does is out of pity, Seungcheol!” Jihoon is screaming now, emotions totally unravelled, eyes brimming with tears as he spits out all the words he's kept inside.

“You think Yejin-noona has taken care of you for all these years out of _pity_? You think Jeonghan-hyung is your friend because of _pity_? Do you think I’m here because I _pity_ you? Why can't it ever be out of care and affection and love? Is it wrong for me to love you, Seungcheol?!”

Seungcheol inhales sharply. It’s the first time either of them has said ‘love’ in regards to each other, even indirectly. But Jihoon barely registers it, continuing on, tears falling down his cheeks, like little rivers of pain.

“I’m here because _I want to be_ , Seungcheol, why can’t you see that? I _choose_ to be here. I _choose_ to spend time with you, to _be_ with you. That’s a choice I made and a choice I make every time I see you.”

Jihoon sucks in a deep shuddering breath, whole body quivering from all the emotional energy. “Is that a wrong choice? Should I choose differently?” his voice is quieter now, tear-filled eyes watching Seungcheol who hasn’t moved, hasn’t made a sound in reply. “Because I don’t want to believe I made the wrong choice, and I don’t regret my choice either. I want to be here, with you, and I want to help you because I care about you.”

Jihoon takes another deep breath and swipes at his eyes and cheeks quickly. “I can’t force you to accept my help. I won’t physically force you to take the money, but my offer stands,”

“Jihoon…”

The brunette sighs and slumps where he’s kneeling on the bed. “I’m tired,” he mumbles. He takes a deep breath. “I should go home.”

He clambers off the bed and Seungcheol knows he has to fix this, and he has to do it now, but he can’t move.

Jihoon gets all the way to the door, coat and shoes on, before Seungcheol grabs him, arms wrapping around his shoulders, hugging him from behind, nose buried in his hair.

“I’m sorry. I was being too prideful,” he mumbles, “I’m so used to trying to keep that, because I feel like it’s the only thing I have left,”

Jihoon pulls his hands apart from around his chest and for a moment, Seungcheol thinks it’s not enough. Jihoon is going to leave anyway. But then the brunette heir turns around and cups his face and smiles his gentle smile that Seungcheol loves dearly.

“I know, but you forget that you have me, and Yejin-noona, and Jeonghan-hyung, and Jisoo-hyung, and everyone else,” Jihoon murmurs. “You have us. You’re not alone, Seungcheol, and if I can do anything about it, I won’t let you ever be alone again.”

Jihoon kisses him softly, delicately, and Seungcheol feels as vulnerable as Jihoon is treating him, but he knows he’s going to become stronger with Jihoon by his side.

They share several more soft kisses because Jihoon really does have to leave, and Seungcheol lets him go reluctantly.

Jihoon promises him kimbap next time, and Seungcheol’s smile as he waves goodbye tells him that he’s looking forward to it.

 

“You always wear that cap,” Jihoon notes, still pulling confetti out of his hair. Supposedly December was always crazy busy with companies and banks holding Christmas functions. Jihoon had just come back from one and met Seungcheol outside Healing as they closed up, the two of them going back to Seungcheol’s place for a late night snack. He had brought kimbap.

Seungcheol looks up from where he’s fumbling for the keys to his apartment. “Do I?” Seungcheol laughs wryly. “I didn’t realise it was that often,”

Jihoon shrugs as Seungcheol gets the door open, the two of them stepping inside and pulling off their shoes.

“Well, maybe not always, but often. Is there a special meaning behind it?” Jihoon asks.

“What makes you think there’s a special meaning to it?” Seungcheol asks, tone teasing, even though it’s forced.

“Because you’re not the kind of fashionable where you wear caps at night so that it matches your branded shoes,” Jihon deadpans and Seungcheol laughs.

“You have a point,” he hums but doesn’t say anything else. Jihoon leaves it until they’re eating the kimbap Jihoon bought at Seungcheol’s little table, feet tangled together underneath.

“So?” Jihoon asks, taking a piece to his plate calmly. “Are you going to tell me?”

Seungcheol sighs at Jihoon’s tone. “Do you think I don’t tell you things just to spite you?” he asks.

“I know that there are things that you don’t trust me with yet, but you just need to tell me that, and I’ll let it go,” Jihoon answers, not looking up from his plate, though he hasn’t touched his food.

“Would you really?” Seungcheol asks quietly.

Jihoon’s gaze snaps up to look at him, eyes narrowed in a glare. “If you distrust me that much, then maybe I shouldn’t be here, trying to understand you,” he snaps.

He’s already out of his chair before Seungcheol grabs his wrist with a sigh. “I… I’m sorry, Jihoon. Please sit down,” he says softly.

Jihoon obeys slowly, sighing. “I’m sorry too. That came out too harsh,”

Seungcheol shakes his head, fingers around Jihoon’s wrist tightening momentarily, before he relaxes, thumb rubbing a tiny circle against the skin, right where Jihon’s pulse thrums. “I - It’s... hard for me to trust people, Jihoon. A lot of people have betrayed my trust in the past. It doesn’t excuse me from… hurting you, but I…”

Jihoon’s hand wraps over Seungcheol’s on the kitchen table. “I know, and it’s the same for me, but I thought we could trust and respect each other enough that if we’re not comfortable with sharing something, we can say so and the other will respect that until we _are_ comfortable enough to speak about… whatever,” Jihoon says quietly.

Seungcheol’s face twists into a resigned smile.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Jihoon. I do trust you, more than I have trusted anyone else so quickly,” Seungcheol says, tangling their fingers. “I’m just…. scared to tell you things …. And then you’ll leave,”

Jihoon feels his heart twist in his chest. He strokes his thumb over the back of Seungcheol’s hand for a moment before bringing Seungcheol’s hand to his lips, pressing a gentle kiss to the knuckle.

Seungcheol looks more surprised at Jihoon’s show of affection than anything, Jihoon himself going slightly pink as he says, “I know it’s scary, and I, too, have things I’m scared to tell you… but we’re human. We’re not perfect,” he smiles gently at Seungcheol, “so there’s always going to be parts of us we don’t want to show to each other, or anyone. I can’t blindly promise I won’t leave, and you wouldn’t believe or trust me if I did, but I can assure you, it’ll take a lot for me to leave,” his hand squeezes Seungcheol’s. “I’m not saying you have to tell me, but don’t be afraid to tell me things - even if it’s to say you’re not ready to talk yet,”

Seungcheol nods, chewing his lip for a moment before he gets out of his chair and leans over to kiss Jihoon, hands at the back of Jihoon’s head tangling in his hair. “Thank you,” he breathes, before capturing Jihoon’s mouth again, preventing any kind of answer. He doesn’t know how else to show that he appreciates Jihoon being open to talking.

They pull away for breath and Jihoon steals another quick kiss before he says quietly that they should eat before it gets even later. Seungcheol kisses his nose before he lets go, returning to his seat. Jihoon has a pleased smile on his face as he puts the first piece of kimbap into his mouth.

Seungcheol hates to take that smile away, but he knows he owes Jihoon an explanation, even if it’s only half of it.

“The person who gave this hat to me helped me in a difficult time and told me to be strong,” Seungcheol says softly, sad smile on his lips, “wearing it makes me feel ... a little more protected, somehow.”

Jihoon is frozen, chopsticks in his hand and cheeks puffed out from the food he’s chewing in his mouth. He quickly swallows it and puts down his chopsticks. “Seungcheol…” Jihoon murmurs, hand reaching for his again. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to - “

Seungcheol tangles their fingers together, smiling in that sad, resigned way that makes Jihoon’s chest ache.

“It’s okay, it was a while ago,” he shrugs like it’s not a big deal, but Jihoon can see the way the hurt is embedded in him. It might be a wound that’s healed, but that didn’t mean there wasn’t scars.

“I’m okay now,” Seungcheol tries to reassure him. “I have you now,” he smiles, eyes crinkling a little, gaze soft. Jihoon’s grip on his hand tightens still.

“You’ll tell me if you’re not okay?” Jihoon asks.

Seungcheol hesitates, and Jihoon’s hand on his hand tightens. “Seungcheol, please,”

“I might not be able to explain…” Seungcheol murmurs.

Jihoon shakes his head. “That’s okay. But you’ll tell me if you’re not okay? If something is bothering you, even if you can’t tell me what it is?”

Seungcheol smiles tiredly. “Okay,” he relents, “but you have to tell me too,”

Jihoon smiles. “It’s a promise then,”

And over the plate of takeaway kimbap, they make that promise to each other and themselves.

 

It must have been the talk about the cap and one of the few people who helped him during that time that triggers it.

Seungcheol dreams of leering faces and side glances and whispers all around him. Then the pain starts, blossoming all over him, one after another without pause, at first dulled and insistent, then sharp and searing.

He jolts awake in cold sweat, whole body heaving with uneven breaths. Jihoon’s hands are already on his face and his chest, fussing over him as he comes back to reality of his small apartment, Jihoon’s body beside him, warm and familiar.

Seungcheol curls towards his boyfriend, whole body shaking as Jihoon holds him tightly. His breaths are too shallow, and his heart won’t calm.

Jihoon hushes him and holds him, whispering soft, gentle words of comfort for several minutes. Seungcheol calms down a bit, but whenever he closes his eyes, he sees the faces again and he ends up holding Jihoon tighter, trying to block out the voices whispering around him, whole body going rigid all over again.

Seungcheol is just calming down from another wave of fear when he hears it - soft and gentle. Jihoon singing.

He closes his eyes and focuses on the voice, breath evening out as he calms. Jihoon sings several songs - some even being nursery rhymes - but it’s something to focus on and Seungcheol is almost lulled to sleep.

“You have a nice voice,” Seungcheol murmurs into Jihoon’s borrowed t-shirt before he can truly fall asleep. “You should sing more,”

Jihoon chuckles and Seungcheol feels the rumble as Jihoon cards his hands through Seungcheol’s hair. “I like music, but I don’t really sing,” he says. He pauses a moment and then says. “Actually, you’re only the second person I’ve sung for.”

Seungcheol lifts his face out of Jihoon’s chest to stare at him in the dim light from the moon that escapes the thin curtains of Seungcheol’s windows. “Really?”

“Mhmm,” Jihoon hums.

“Who’s the other person?”

“My brother, Chan. I sing to him when there’s thunderstorms. He’s scared of them, but if I sing, he can usually get through them better,” Jihoon answers, running his hands through Seungcheol’s hair again.

Seungcheol hums quietly before going back to lying on Jihoon’s chest.

“Soonyoung mentioned it. I guess that’s how you won your battle with the big bad thunder, huh?”

“What are you talking about?” Jihoon laughs quietly. Seungcheol just smiles as he feels Jihoon’s chest shake under his head.

“Nonsense. Just keep singing, pretty,” he says.

Jihoon chuckles softly and obliges, singing gentle ballads and lullabies as he strokes Seungcheol’s hair and lulls him back to sleep.

Seungcheol doesn’t dream of hands reaching for him, or red eyes scrutinizing him, or voices snarling insults at him again. He dreams of being surrounded by fluffy clouds, gentle wind ruffling his hair, and an airy, sweet voice guiding him home.


	17. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: after this weekend i will have finished applications so hopefully i will have a bit more time (until assignments come to murder me /sobs)  
> anyway, here's the next chapter <3

Jihoon has Christmas functions on Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, but he still comes to Healing with a reindeer headband and grins at Yejin, who’s wearing the same headband.

Seungcheol hasn’t found another second job yet, even though he’s been going out every day and had a few interviews. A lot of the places close down for the Christmas to New Year break though, so Seungcheol isn’t going to get any news about jobs in the meantime.

The office closes down between Christmas and New Year, but Jihoon is still working. So instead of cooping himself in the office, Jihoon lies on Seungcheol’s bed or hunches at his little table to work, while Seungcheol bothers him or watches TV on mute.

This time, Seungcheol is lying on the bed, TV playing Love Actually for the seventh time in three days, just watching Jihoon, who’s reading a thick stack of reports.

“Jihoon,”

“Hmm?” Jihoon doesn’t look up from his papers. Even though sometimes Seungcheol hates how much of a workaholic Jihoon is, he also can’t deny how much he admires how hardworking Jihoon is.

Dedication runs through Jihoon like it’s part of his blood, and Seungcheol knows it’s more than just dedication to work. Jihoon dedicates himself to everything he does, every person he’s with, friendship or otherwise.

Seungcheol just smiles, watching Jihoon continue to scan his documents. It’s this pause that makes Jihoon glance up to look at him, and it’s when their eyes meet that Seungcheol breaks into a bright grin and says, “I love you,”

Even though it’s the first time he’s said it directly, it doesn’t feel weird. It doesn’t feel like it’s a big deal, even though it kind of is. It just feels natural, like it’s something he says every day.

Seungcheol wants to say it everyday.

Jihoon’s eyes widen, and for a long moment he looks like a deer caught in headlights. Then he averts his gaze and coughs, head ducking to hide his blush and Seungcheol only laughs, sitting up on the bed.

“You’re cute,” Seungcheol beams at the same moment Jihoon mumbles, “I love you too,”

Now it’s Seungcheol’s turn to look like a deer caught in headlights, before his face turns red, like rising lava.

Jihoon’s cheeks are still pink, but he laughs, loud and carefree. Seungcheol silences him by crossing the room to grab his face and crash their mouths together a little too hard.

They pull away with giddy smiles and pink cheeks, foreheads pressed together as they giggle. A pause, and then they say it together, at the same time.

Their bright smiles are matching.

 

Jihoon has another event on New Year’s Eve, but he ditches it just before midnight, heads to Healing, and drags Seungcheol out to the back of the bar with a wide grin and intertwined hands. Seungcheol gets a blanket from the back room and stands behind Jihoon, wrapping the blanket around them both just as they hear everyone in the bar behind start doing the countdown.

“Ten… Nine… Eight… !”

“Warm enough, dear?” Seungcheol asks, chin resting atop Jihoon’s head.

“Seven…. Six….!”

“Yeah,” Jihoon smiles and leans back against Seungcheol’s chest.

“Five… Four…!”

Seungcheol’s arms around his waist hold him closer, their hands intertwined, both of them holding the edges of the blanket.

“Three...Two...One!”

A loud cheer of “Happy New Year!” can be heard from within Healing, before the sky above the city, a little way away, lights up in fireworks. Jihoon’s mouth drops open, before he smiles, eyes crinkling, as he watches the fireworks explode in multiple colours and different shapes.

For the first time, Jihoon sees the fireworks signalling the start of a new year and doesn’t feel sad or lonely. The last few years, he’s been at some function or another, watching the fireworks surrounded by people he barely cared about, drinking expensive champagne he didn’t even like. The years before that, he sat in his bedroom alone or with Chan asleep on his bed beside him, watching the fireworks and dreading the year to come.

Seungcheol’s arms around him move slightly and Jihoon turns to face him. He’s wearing a warm smile, gaze soft, and Jihoon just wants to kiss him. So he says “Happy New Year, Seungcheol,” and then does just that. Seungcheol smiles into their kiss, breaks away to breathe “Happy New Year, Jihoon,” in return, and then connects their mouths again.

In the sky, the fireworks continue to explode overhead, while Seungcheol and Jihoon share their first new year celebration together. Jihoon’s hands twist into the material of Seungcheol’s shirt and hopes there’ll be many more.

(Everyone has teasing grins on their faces when the two of them finally come back inside to join in the celebrations, but Seungcheol just sticks out his tongue and goes back to serving drinks, while Jihoon takes a seat at the crowded bar and enters a deep discussion with Eric about some history thing.

Jihoon drives them back to Seungcheol’s place later and Seungcheol is all too happy to continue kissing Jihoon in the warmth of his apartment.

They fall asleep with Seungcheol’s arm around Jihoon, Jihoon resting on Seungcheol’s chest, and their legs tangled under the duvet.)

 

Seungcheol groans when his phone pings with a message on the other side of the apartment. Jihoon nudges him until he gets up to go attend to it - the reminder notification sounds would eventually annoy Jihoon, who’s reading an article for class.

Seungcheol clambers out of bed grumpily, feet slow and dragging as he crosses the room, sliding his phone open to see the message.

Jihoon nearly falls off the bed in shock when Seungcheol lets out a high-pitched squeak, then falls silent, even though he does a little jumps on the spot.

“What? What is it?!” Jihoon asks, nearly tripping over himself as he stumbles off the bed to see.

Seungcheol doesn’t let him see, just grabbing him in a tight hug, and spinning him around. Jihoon is about to ask again when Seungcheol answers him, squealing, “I got the job! I got the job!”

“The delivery one?!” Jihoon cries. Seungcheol nods vigorously, like a bobble head, before squealing and hugging Jihoon even tighter.

“Seungcheol! That’s great!” Jihoon says. And instead of blubbering about how happy and proud he is, Jihoon wriggles his arms free to wrap them around Seungcheol’s neck and kiss him desperately.

Seungcheol seems to calm down a little then, still holding Jihoon tight, but no longer spinning them around or jumping up and down ecstatically like a bunny. One hand moves to tilt Jihoon’s head back and tangle his fingers in Jihoon’s hair, and Jihoon responds eagerly.

“It’s only part-time, but they did say if I do well, it could lead to full-time work,” Seungcheol says when they pull apart for breath.

Jihoon just smiles. “So do your best then,” he says, nipping playfully at Seungcheol’s bottom lip.

“Anything for you,” Seungcheol grins, before capturing Jihoon’s mouth again.

 

“Are you suuuuuure you don’t want ice-cream?” Seungcheol asks, voice lilting in a teasing tone.

Jihoon rolls his eyes. “Yes, I’m sure,” he murmurs from behind his facemask. “If you want one, you can have one though,”

“Nah, it’s no fun if I can’t steal some of yours and see your cute angry face,” Seungcheol answers. Jihoon scowls beneath the black material and Seungcheol lets out a loud laugh.

The office break has ended, so Jihoon’s back to the office during the day, so they’re back to their dates at night when Seungcheol has a night off. The delivery job is only gives him jobs for a few hours each day at the moment, but Seungcheol says it’s going well so far.

“Come on, I have somewhere else I want to go,” he says, soft smile on his face as he tugs at Jihoon’s arm. They’re careful in public - they don’t hold hands, or touch each other in any way more than close friends, and Jihoon has bouts of paranoia at being recognised. He was spotted by someone at the office last week, on the way to meet Seungcheol, so he’s currently in a paranoid stage - hence the face mask even though he’s not sick. It’s still cold though, so Jihoon doesn’t stand out in the crowd.

They talk about new restaurants opening in this area, Seungcheol’s arm never leaving from around Jihoon’s shoulders or at the small of his back, guiding him in one direction. It’s Seungcheol trying to be casual in a crowded place, but Jihoon’s skin tingles when Seungcheol ‘accidentally’ slips his hand under Jihoon’s jacket, the warmth of his hands seeping through Jihoon’s shirt.

Seungcheol is great at keeping a poker face, but Jihoon doesn’t miss the slightest twitch of a smirk. He mutters a curse under his breath.

“Seungcheol, where are we going?” Jihoon asks, tugging his mask down. It’s less crowded now, the two of them walking away from the busy commercial street and down a quieter street.

Seungcheol glances behind them once, and Jihoon looks over his shoulder on instinct too, before he’s yanked roughly into a tiny lane, pushed against cold concrete and kissed desperately.

Jihoon barely remembers to breathe as Seungcheol kisses him, tongue slipping between teeth, quickly making the kiss open mouthed and borderline _dirty_.

“Fuck,” Seungcheol pants when he pulls away, Jihoon echoing it breathlessly. His head is spinning.

“Did you… really pull me away just to kiss me?” Jihoon splutters after a long moment.

Seungcheol’s face splits into a grin.

“No, we’re not there yet, but I couldn’t wait. I nearly jumped you at the restaurant when you _wrapped lettuce for me_ , and even _offered to feed me_ ,” Seungcheol chuckles and Jihoon blushes at the thought.

“Oh, I didn’t realise….” he mumbles, and Seungcheol laughs breathlessly, face pressed into his shoulder.

“You don’t,” he murmurs, trailing kisses along the line of Jihoon’s jaw. “You have no idea what you do to me, every single moment we’re together,” he finishes with a tender kiss to Jihoon’s lips.

Jihoon’s heart is erratic in his chest and it takes him a long moment to answer. “Y-You too,” he whispers.

Seungcheol grins, thumb caressing Jihoon’s cheek gently. “I have an idea,” he smirks, kissing up the column of Jihoon’s neck.

As Jihoon inhales sharply, pulse stuttering, Seungcheol pulls away. “Come on, let’s go,” and Jihoon barely gets to splutter a confused protest before he’s pulled out of the lane and dragged down the street.

Jihoon is pink faced and flushed, but he huffs in annoyance. Seungcheol loved frequent stolen kisses, while Jihoon much preferred waiting a bit longer to have a more leisurely make out session.

Seungcheol has tangled their hands together now though, and keeps throwing Jihoon bright grins, so Jihoon finds he’s not really all that annoyed. How could he feel anything but happiness with Seungcheol?

Jihoon is noticing that it’s starting to look a lot less commercial now and more residential. Does Seungcheol know someone here?

Jihoon gets his answer when Seungcheol tugs Jihoon across the street and through an open wrought iron gate. Jihoon finds himself amongst rustling trees.

“Seungcheol?” Jihoon asks as Seungcheol throws him another bright grin.

“I stayed in this area for a while, in my last years of school, so I used to come to this park all the time,” he says, looking up at the trees wistfully. Jihoon smiles at the gentle look in his eyes.

“This place is special to you,” Jihoon says, more of a statement than a question. Seungcheol turns around to smile and nod.

“I wanted to bring you here, because… well, I came here a lot whenever I was sad, so…” he ducks his head a little, like he’s embarrassed, “I wanted to make a happy memory here,”

Jihoon smiles gently. “Of course,” he squeezes Seungcheol’s hand. “Anything you want,”

“Well, I want you, but, well, ” Seungcheol breaks into a grin and Jihoon feels his face flame. “I have something to ask, actually,”

Jihoon looks confused when Seungcheol drops their hands to fumble in his pocket for his phone. After a moment, there’s a soft melody filling the quiet air and Jihoon recognises it as a song that Jisoo sometimes plays on guitar - from some popular drama OST a few years ago, supposedly.

Seungcheol beams at Jihoon as he puts his phone back in his pocket, even as the song continues playing. Jihoon still looks confused though, so Seungcheol smiles, one hand going behind his back, the other outstretched between them.

“May I have this dance, Lee Jihoon?”

Jihoon barks out with sharp laughter and for a moment Seungcheol’s face flashes between amusement and hurt. Jihoon smothers his laughter until it’s only little giggles.

“You’re so cheesy,” he says, before stepping up to Seungcheol and taking his hand. As Seungcheol struggles to stop his face splitting into a grin, Jihoon says, as seriously as he can, “I would be honoured, Choi Seungcheol,”

The two of them share small smiles on pink faces, as they link hands and start moving. Seungcheol seems to know the basics, managing not to step of Jihoon’s toes - though Jihoon has to instruct him beyond the basic steps. It’s a serene moment, the two of them waltzing around the clearing to a set of several songs playing from Seungcheol’s phone.

When the final song finishes, the silence of the park surrounding them once again, the two of them pause, hands and arms still in the proper dance positions.

Then Seungcheol’s head ducks down to steal a kiss, and Jihoon breaks formation to wrap his arms around Seungcheol’s neck and pull him down for several more.

They break away slowly, noses still bumping as Seungcheol lets out a breathless laugh.

“Perfect,” he whispers.

“Have a happy memory here now?” Jihoon asks quietly, tiny smile gracing his lips in the moonlight.

Seungcheol smiles, full of warmth. “Yeah, but that’s not what I was talking about,”

Jihoon pulls away a little, face crumpled in confusion. “Then?”

Seungcheol tugs him back and kisses him softly. “I meant you,”


	18. eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: I AM ALIVEEEEEE /rolls around/ for those who weren't kept up to date (I tweet if im going to be late w updates on twitter @neoragodestiny) assignments were killing me, so i really couldn't even spare the time to proofread this chap and post o<-< but anyway, they're handed in and now i can go back to (mostly) regular updates :3 as always, thank you for your support <3  
> also! reminder of the warning for mild sexual situations lmao

Seungcheol opens the door cautiously before seeing Jihoon peering back at him curiously and nearly throwing the door open to smother him in a hug.

“Jihoonie! I almost thought you weren’t coming today,” Seungcheol whines, exaggerated pout on his lips when he finally lets Jihoon go. “You’re late,”

Jihoon just chuckles softly and holds up a bag. “Well, that’s ‘cause I bought fried chicken on the way.”

“Chicken?!” Seungcheol’s voice climbs up at least one octave. Jihoon hushes him before the cranky lady down the hall pokes her head out and tells them to keep it down.

“Yes, chicken, now come on, let’s eat it before it gets cold,” Jihoon says and Seungcheol ushers him in very quickly in response.

“I can’t believe you bought fried chicken,” Seungcheol says, sounding a little more normal now.

Jihoon just laughs and puts the plastic bag down before taking out the boxes. “Fried chicken is the best,” he says, flashing a grin as Seungcheol hands him a plate.

“I feel like my stew pales in comparison now,” Seungcheol says, nearly drooling as he looks at the box of fried chicken in front of him.

“This isn’t dinner,” Jihoon chides, “you still have to eat other things. Besides,” he reaches over to touch Seungcheol’s hand, and he stops drooling over the chicken for a moment to look at Jihoon. “I want to eat whatever you cook for me.”

They both break into soft, affectionate smiles, before Jihoon clears his throat and nods at the chicken, failing miserably at looking serious. “Let’s eat,” he says and Seungcheol grins, easily agreeing.

They eat at Seungcheol’s little kitchen table while Seungcheol rambles about the latest thing he watched on TV. He’s been watching it a lot on his days off and sometimes Jihoon comes by only to find Seungcheol has watched ten hours of television without break. He’s threatened to break the TV if Seungcheol doesn’t have a shower and eat some food on a couple of occasions.

They finish up the chicken easily, the two of them licking their fingers at they stare at the empty greasy boxes.

“That was good,” Seungcheol sighs in contentment.

“It was,” Jihoon agrees, sitting there a moment before he grabs the boxes to put them in the bin. Seungcheol jumps up beside him, helping Jihoon turn on the tap to wash his hands before cheekily standing behind him and holding Jihoon’s cleaner hands with his dirty ones.

Jihoon squawks his protests and Seungcheol just laughs. Jihoon feels the rumble at his back and fights down the blush as Seungcheol grabs the hand wash soap and rubs their hands together, the two pairs covered in suds as Seungcheol holds Jihoon’s hands in his, and rubs the soap all over their hands.

“I am able to wash my own hands,” Jihoon mumbles, feeling like a child being taken care of.

Seungcheol just hums, chin on Jihoon’s head and a content smile on his face as he rinses their hands together under the water. “I know, love, I just like taking care of you,”

Love. Jihoon flushes at the nickname. Seungcheol has called him ‘love’ a few times, amongst other affectionate terms, but ‘love’ is his favourite.

As Seungcheol gets the stew heated up again, Jihoon hovers behind tentatively, before calling his name softly.

“Hmm?” Seungcheol sounds distracted with making sure he has enough rice in the fridge to heat up.

“Call me that again,” Jihoon says quietly.

Seungcheol turns around, a tub of rice in his hand. “Call you what, love?” he asks.

Jihoon steps up to him, hands reaching up to hold his face gently, pulling Seungcheol down to kiss him softly. “That,” he breathes, eyes looking a little glassy as he searches Seungcheol’s face for something. “Call me that again,”

“Love?” Seungcheol is finally catching on, even as he gets distracted by Jihoon’s kisses.

“Yeah,” Jihoon breathes, kissing him again, like he can’t stop. “I like it when you call me that,”

Seungcheol inhales deeply as Jihoon kisses him again, longer this time. “I like calling you a lot of things,” Seungcheol murmurs. He pauses, distracted by kisses. “Does this mean I can’t call you ‘honey bee’ anymore?” he asks eventually.

Jihoon breaks away to laugh breathlessly, the serious moment gone as Seungcheol’s face crumples in disappointment. “Is ‘baby’ is off the table too? Can I at least still call you ‘dear’?”

Jihoon is still laughing breathlessly, hands holding onto Seungcheol’s shoulders like he can’t stand up otherwise. When he finally catches his breath, Seungcheol is still pouting and Jihoon turns to him with mirth in his eyes, barely holding back his laughter. “You can call me all those things, you goose, I never said you couldn’t,”

“Oh,” Seungcheol says dumbly and Jihoon laughs again. This time Seungcheol cuts him off by kissing him.

“So, love, why do you like it so much?” he asks as he steers Jihoon until he’s leaning against a kitchen cupboard. A handle is sticking into Jihoons back, but he’s far too focused on how low Seungcheol’s voice is, calling him ‘love’, when their faces are so close.

“I, um,” Jihoon splutters, all words suddenly leaving him. His breathing is uneven, shuddering in his chest as he tries to calm his racing heart.

Seungcheol smirks, kisses Jihoon deeply, tongue licking into Jihoon’s mouth with practised ease, before pulling away easily. “Let’s eat,” he says, disappearing to go get the food, while Jihoon is left leaning heavily against the cupboard, totally disorientated.

It takes Seungcheol setting the table with food and washed plates before he comes back to collect the lost Jihoon still standing by his kitchen cupboard, laughing as he guides his boyfriend to the little dining table so they can share the stew he made.

 

“Pass me the cloth, love,” Seungcheol says and Jihoon hands him the dirty rag with pink dusting his nose. Seungcheol doesn’t miss it.

“You really do like it, huh?” he laughs softly. “I guess I’d better not overuse it then,” he grins.

Jihoon just flushes more, not sure if he’s grateful to be spared from the extra heart palpitations or sad to not hear Seungcheol call him ‘love’ as often.

“It means more,” Jihoon mumbles. Seungcheol glances at him as he finishes washing the cloth, hanging it over the edge of the sink to dry. Jihoon doesn’t say anything, as he washes his hands, Seungcheol’s gaze never leaving him.

“How so?” Seungcheol asks. “I don’t have more affection behind any particular nickname,”

“It’s not… the affection you put behind it,” Jihoon says, wringing his hands a little. Seungcheol takes them in his larger ones, both of them with cold hands from the water, warming up each other. “I mean, it is, but it’s... the implications behind the name.”

Seungcheol waits and Jihoon sighs, trying to think of the words. “Like, you calling me ‘baby’ is like… you want to take care of me. You want to protect me. ‘Dear’ is like, I’m dear to you - I’m precious and special. I mean something to you,”

“And ‘love’?” Seungcheol asks quietly, eyes never leaving Jihoon, who can’t look him in the eye.

“‘Love’ is...... so much more than just wanting protect me, or being someone special. It includes all of that, and then some,” Jihoon murmurs, licking his lips, thinking, “‘Love’ is like, I’m what you associate with ‘love’,” he raises his gaze to meet Seungcheol’s this time, “It’s like I’m the embodiment of the word to you, like... I’m what the word means to you. To you, I am love, and love is me, and that means so much more,” Jihoon breathes. Seungcheol’s face is unreadable. Jihoon looks away, chewing his lip a little.

“To me,” Seungcheol says, barely above a whisper, and Jihoon lifts his gaze hesitantly, “to me, you are love, and love is you,” 

And before Jihoon can even react to those words, Seungcheol hands are holding his face, colliding their lips together roughly, urgently. Jihoon closes his eyes, hands reaching up to tangle in Seungcheol’s hair, struggling to remember to breathe as they kiss deeply, over and over again. Jihoon’s back meets the kitchen cupboard again, but they don’t stop, kissing almost desperately. Like it’ll kill them if they stop.

His breathing is ragged as they finally break apart, but Seungcheol doesn’t even pause for breath before moving his mouth lower, sucking and licking little marks all over Jihoon’s neck. Jihoon gasps, body arching against Seungcheol’s. Seungcheol curses against Jihoon’s shoulder and Jihoon nearly whimpers.

Jihoon’s shirt is untucked from his pants as Seungcheol slithers his hands under the stark white cotton to rest at Jihoon’s hips. Jihoon squeaks a little at the cold hands against his warm skin, and Seungcheol lifts his head from Jihoon’s neck briefly to grin at him.

“Cutie,” he breathes, kissing Jihoon quickly before going back to slowly working open Jihoon’s shirt.

It’s not like they haven’t done less than innocent things. There’s only so long two people can make out before the body craves more, and one or both people give into that craving.

When Seungcheol had bought a second set of cutlery and a second chair for his dining table, a quiet implication of ‘future’ and ‘together’, Jihoon had been so happy, the make out session had ended with Jihoon on his knees and Seungcheol biting back moans as his fingers gripped Jihoon’s hair.

Yet, despite the fact that Seungcheol never seemed to have enough kisses, has left marks all over Jihoon’s body, is always eager to _touch_ , he never touches Jihoon _there_.

Now too, Seungcheol’s hands seem to be all over him, and yet, Jihoon’s pants remain virtually untouched, despite the fact that Jihoon’s body clearly wants to be touched.

It takes another several minutes of breathless kisses before Jihoon can’t stand not knowing, even though he’s just as scared as he is frustrated.

“Don't you want me..?” Jihoon asks carefully, like he's worried that asking the question alone has repercussions.

Seungcheol sucks in a breath and swoops in to press kisses along the line of his jaw, encouraged by the way Jihoon’s mouth falls open, the way he gasps in surprise every time. Like Seungcheol can still surprise him after all this time.

“I want you. God, I want you so bad, you have no idea,” he breathes against the skin of Jihoon’s neck. He takes joy out of the shiver he elicits from the younger.

Jihoon finds his composure as he shifts himself slightly to bring their faces together, noses bumping. “So then, why…? Why won’t you touch me?”

Seungcheol's expression is pained and his hands move to hold Jihoon’s face gently, both hands cupping his cheeks as he presses their noses together. “I was scared you didn’t want it,”

“Seungcheol,” Jihoon says, clearly not believing him. “You and I both know that’s not the reason,”

Seungcheol hesitates for a moment before he says, very quietly, ”I don't want to _hurt_ you,”

Jihoon just smiles.

“You won't,” Jihoon kisses him softly, “I trust you,”

Seungcheol looks at him, gaze worried. Jihoon just continues to smile. “I trust you, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol looks away and Jihoon presses soft kisses to his eyelids and his nose. Seungcheol takes a shuddering breath.

“But,” he murmurs, slowly, “but… what… what if…?”

Jihoon just smiles and placates him with a press of lips to the corner of his mouth. He takes Seungcheol’s hand and tugs him towards the bed, sitting down on the edge. He holds Seungcheol’s face with both hands and guides his head down until their mouths meet in a gentle kiss.

“I trust you, Seungcheol,” he murmurs again, “and I love you,”

Seungcheol searches his eyes for a moment before connecting their mouths again and climbing onto the bed, pushing Jihoon back onto the mattress.


	19. nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: did y'all forget that this is an angst / hurt&comfort fic? c:  
> (thanks for the patience with the delay of this update, life was unexpectedly busy)

Jihoon is frowning at a file on Raina’s computer when her phone rings. It’s from the front reception, so she answers it quickly.

Jihoon faintly hears a squabble of sound. Then Raina says, “Park Sora? No, I don’t remember any appointment - ”

“Did you say Park Sora?” Jihoon says, blinking owlishly. He had forgotten about the Royal Imports heir. “Oh, let her up.”

Raina looks perplexed, but repeats Jihoon’s instructions.

“Sir?” Raina says after she’s put the phone down.

“Jihoon,” he corrects, “and give me one moment. I think I’ve almost figured this out,” he murmurs. Raina falls silent, though she keeps glancing at Jihoon.

Jihoon snaps his fingers as he figures it out, explaining it to Raina just as Sora steps out of the lifts. Jihoon beckons her over and she smiles pleasantly, making her way to them. She’s dressed nicely again - hair pulled up in a simple ponytail, pale pink dress reaching just above her knees.

“Hello, Sora-sshi. You look lovely today,” Jihoon says, straightening up from Raina’s computer.

Sora smiles. “Thank you, Jihoon-sshi.” She glances at Raina who is looking between the two of them with wide eyes. “I, uhm, hope I’m not bothering. I was hoping to get coffee with you, as we mentioned last time, but…”

Jihoon glances at Raina. “You have a meeting with the IT department in ten minutes, sir,” she says simply.

“I-If you’re busy, I can come another time,” Sora says. “I’m sorry, I should have called ahead. I just happened to be in the area, so I just dropped in without warning - ”

“No, no, it's okay. Raina-noona, postpone the meeting with the IT department by half an hour,” Jihoon says, turning to his assistant. She nods and quickly picks up the phone to notify them.

“Oh, I don't want to interrupt your meetings - !” Sora looks panicked.

“It's okay,” Jihoon smiles, hoping he looks reassuring. “We’ll just have coffee downstairs for a bit. I know they’re worried about the report they’re meant to show me, so we’ll give them a little extra time to prepare it, shall we?” he chuckles and then gestures to the elevator. Sora nods meekly and they walk over to the lifts silently.

Jihoon considers being a gentleman and offering his arm, but reasons they're no more than strangers and he'd be fulfilling his parents wish too easily.

Friends. Sora had said she wanted to be friends.

He could probably do that.

 

They have coffee in the cafe downstairs. Sora still looks nervous most of the time, showing it mostly unconsciously as she shifts in her seat or reaches up to fix perfect hair.

They talk casually, about Sora’s undergraduate (a business degree with a major in management, logically), and Jihoon’s work and his additional classes.

“It must be hard,” Sora says, looking worried, “balancing full time work with study,”

Jihoon just shrugs. “My parents wanted it. I just see it as something I have to do,”

And maybe it’s his choice of words - and how it can apply to them and their impending engagement, and later, marriage - that makes Sora look worried, falling curiously silent before she brightens up and Jihoon can feel the falseness bleeding out of her smile.

He wonders what life with her would be like, but instead, all he can see is the image of waking up next to Seungcheol’s messy hair, bright smile and crinkled eyes.

His chest aches. He has to tell Seungcheol.

 

“Who was that girl?” Raina asks him after the meeting with the IT department.

Jihoon grins. She must have been burning with curiosity. Jihoon never moved his plans for anyone.

“Daughter of the CEO of Royal Imports. She’s to take over the company in a few years, once she's learnt the ropes,” Jihoon answers smoothly as he steps inside his office.

“Royal Imports?” Raina’s eyes are wide. “As in, the Royal Imports - ,”

“We’re about to become partners with? Yes,” Jihoon says. He slides into his desk chair. “Oh, we’re also meant to get married when she finishes her degree,”

Raina now looks bug eyed. 

“Marriage?” she breathes. “But….. sir, you're so young!”

“She's younger,” Jihoon sighs. “I feel bad for her, forced into something like this. You’d think arranged marriages were something that happened in the feudal age,”

Rana bites her lip and Jihoon watches her curiously. “You look like you have something you want to say,” he points out. “What’s on your mind?”

“I… it’s not my place to say,” she murmurs, eyes downcast.

“You’re my assistant, and we interact on a professional level, but I would like to think we’re friends at some level too, Raina-noona,” Jihoon says. “You can speak your mind with me. I won’t hold it against you for doing so,” he chuckles, “In fact, I would welcome it,”

Raina hesitates another moment before she says quietly. “You’re also a party to the marriage, sir,”

Jihoon looks at her curiously. “Well, yes, generally marriages have two people involved,”

“I just mean - ” Raina stops herself, thinks through her next words. “You said you felt bad for her being forced into the marriage, but you’re in a similar position. Are you doing it willingly, while she is forced into it?”

“No,” Jihoon says softly, smiling sadly, “we’re both forced into this marriage that suits our parents, and the companies we’re forced to inherit,”

Raina lowers her gaze. “Then I feel sad for both of you. You’re both so young. Marriage should be with a person you love,”

Jihoon thinks of Seungcheol and the sad smile returns. “I don’t think that’s possible for either of us,” he says quietly. “Not with the situation we were born into,”

He takes a deep breath and makes himself smile, tries not to make it look so sad. “I just hope you marry the person you love, Raina-noona,” 

Raina looks at him, her brown eyes filled with sadness. “I wish the same for you, even if it might not be possible,”

Jihoon smiles tightly. “Thank you,” he whispers.

Raina just nods and bows before taking her leave, her expression still a painting of sadness.

Jihoon heaves a sigh. He logs into his computer and orders a small bunch of sunflowers to be delivered to her desk.

Raina once said sunflowers made her think of sunshine, and thus made her happy.

Jihoon hopes he can make her a little happy, after all she’s done for him. After all, she should be happy. Everyone deserved to be happy; everyone, it seemed, but Jihoon and other heirs like him fated to be chained to whatever course of action was most profitable.

After a moment, Jihoon also arranges a bouquet to be sent to Sora’s house.

She deserved to be happy too, and he hoped she would be able to find a form of it with him.

 

“You’re awfully quiet today,” Seungcheol says as he washes a cocktail shaker.

“Aren’t I always?” Jihoon quips back, grin sly, but it slides off his face too quickly. Seungcheol leans over the bar to peer at him. 

“Something’s on your mind,” Seungcheol says quietly.

“There’s always something on my mind,” Jihoon answers coolly. Seungcheol gives him an unamused look and Jihoon smiles tightly. “Later, okay?”

“Okay,” Seungcheol concedes and goes back to attending customers at the bar, while Jihoon reads his reports.

Seungcheol takes his break half an hour later and Jihoon follows him to the backroom, tangling their hands together and pulling Seungcheol down to sit beside him on the couch.

“I… I need to talk to you about something,” Jihoon says slowly.

Seungcheol suddenly looks pale. “Is… is this because I called you short this morning? Jihoon, please, baby I didn’t mean it. I was just teasing, don’t break up with me over this, I’ll make it up to you, I promise - ”

“I - what?”

“You can call me stupid or something, would that make up for it?”

“Seungcheol? What are you talking about?”

“No? What about, uhm, I uh, take you out for dinner or something? We can get whatever you want.”

“Seungcheol, calm down,”

“I’ll buy you ice-cream too. We can get strawberry, and I promise I won’t insult your ice-cream choice this time -”

“Seungcheol, I’m not breaking up with you,” Jihoon bursts out laughing, watching Seungcheol’s panicked face change to pure confusion. Jihoon sits there, head thrown back, laughing hysterically as Seungcheol sits there, dumbfounded.

“Oh,” he says, numbly.

Jihoon giggles and kisses the corner of his mouth sweetly. “I’m not breaking up with you, silly,” he chuckles.

“Then?” Seungcheol grips his hand tighter.

Jihoon’s smile immediately disappears. He heaves a sigh. “I’m not quite sure how to say it,”

Seungcheol caresses his cheek. “That’s okay. Take your time,”

“I…” Jihoon sighs, “you know… my position, with the company, and my parents and everything…”

“Yeah,” Seungcheol rubs his thumb over Jihoon’s knuckles.

Jihoon sighs. “Well, that situation, means… I don’t have much control over my life. Including… personal life,”

“Oh no, did they say you can’t come here anymore?”

“I almost wish it was only that,” Jihoon says, eyes full of sadness as he looks at Seungcheol.

Jihoon takes a deep breath. “Mansae Enterprises is entering a partnership with a company called Royal Imports. They import a lot of the raw materials used by our company,” he looks at Seungcheol, meets his gaze. “Royal Imports is set to be inherited by a girl a few years younger than me. They want to seal the deal through… the two of us…”

“What…” Seungcheol’s eyes are terrible at hiding how he feels. Jihoon can see the fear and sadness in his eyes, and he can feel his heart breaking in his chest. “What does that mean?”

Jihoon swallows what feels like a stone in his throat. “It means, I’m going to be engaged to marry her.”

Seungcheol doesn’t move. Jihoon thinks he’s like a robot that stopped working. Except Seungcheol is human, incredibly so, and Jihoon is so in love with him it hurts.

“It’ll still be a few years away, but I… I wanted to tell you,” Jihoon says, voice cracking. “I’m sorry, Seungcheol, I don’t…. I don’t think there’s anything I can do to stop it,” he whispers, voice tiny, as tears spill down his cheeks. Seungcheol doesn’t move to brush them away, and that’s how Jihoon knows he’s broken some fundamental functioning mechanism in him.

For a long moment, Seungcheol stays frozen like that as Jihoon sniffles and tries to calm down.“So…” Seungcheol says, like a tiny breath of wind, “you’re not breaking up with me, but you’re telling me that you will have to eventually,” 

Jihoon just lowers his head, tears spilling down his face, all hopes of calming down gone. Because he can’t comfort Seungcheol otherwise. He can’t say it’s not true that he’ll make everything alright. Because he can’t.

Seungcheol is right. Someday, Jihoon will have to break up with him and go marry a girl he doesn’t love. Say in front of hundred of people and the law that he loves and will treasure someone that isn’t Seungcheol.

Seungcheol reaches for him stiffly, holds him close, resting his head on Jihoon’s head as Jihoon cries into his shoulder. But Jihoon knows he’s too shocked to feel the sadness Jihoon feels. At least, not yet.

But Jihoon feels it. And he hates that the family he was born into is causing pain to one of the only people he cares about.


	20. twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: late post because life never goes according to plan, but it's here! this was the angst intermission before the next 'arc' so, it's also kind of an appropriate place for me to announce that i have to take a little hiatus from posting for a bit [[notice here](https://twitter.com/neoragodestiny/status/914152322946752512)!]  
> as always, thanks for the support and putting up with my sporadic posting because of my hectic life @_@

“I thought the agreement was to cut half the staff,”

Jihoon bristles with affected pride. The older man sitting behind the desk doesn’t even blink, continuing to scrutinize Jihoon from across the room.

“It was a third,” Jihoon says tightly, “and many redundancy packages have been accepted already. Nearly 20% of total staff have taken the packages and left. We’re lucky none of the major newspapers have picked it up yet. A controversy over our restructuring could - ”

“Have a minor setback in the public eyes, but at least we’d be achieving our goals,” comes the harsh reply.

“There's no point reaching those goals if we do it unethically,” Jihoon grits out.

A dark look is thrown at him in response. “You've taken your time on this. The board is losing faith in your capabilities,”

“I am doing the best I can in the circumstances,”

“You're being taken advantage of. This is losing the company and the shareholders money,”

“We need our reputation intact,” Jihoon states simply.

“It’s not as fragile as you're making it,” a heavy sigh, a clatter of a pen on the table. “You need to meet the target within the month. This is your last chance,”

“I can't just cut another hundred staff in a fortnight!”

“If you don't, I will. And I'll start with your team,” he says, real threat in his eyes. Then he sits back, smug smile on his face as he sees Jihoon’s clenched jaw, unconcealed anger in his eyes. “Your personal assistant is Raina, right?”

“My team is not to pay for my mistakes,” Jihoon spits out before he bows stiffly and storms out.

 

Jihoon is sipping on some fruit juice when he sees her. Sora. She's dressed in a pretty yellow and pink hanbok, hair pinned in elegant braids across the crown of her head.

He excuses himself from the conversation between several bankers and makes his way over to her.

“You look rather lost,” Jihoon says, smiling at her when she jumps a little, startled.

“Ah, Jihoon-sshi,” she bows and Jihoon returns it easily.

“Parents forced you to come?” he asks as someone comes around with some drinks and Sora meekly takes a glass of juice.

“Sort of. They're attending the Bank of America chuseok celebration tonight, and they obviously can't be in two places at once, so they sent me here as a representative,” Sora says. “I came with one of the general managers, but I lost him when I put my coat away…..”

Jihoon chuckles. Sora manages a small smile and they both sip at their drinks for a moment. “Well, do you know anyone else?” Jihoon asks.

“I've met some people before but… not particularly,” Sora ducks her head, looking a little bashful.

Jihoon smiles. He understands that fear - being in such a big, busy place and yet not knowing anyone enough to spend a lot of time.

“C’mon, I'll introduce you to some people,” he says, offering an arm. 

For a moment, Sora looks at him with wide eyes, both surprised and confused, but then she breaks into a lovely smile, and takes his arm.

Jihoon introduces her to bankers from various banks, general managers and lawyers and head accountants. They meet CEOs and directors, art gallery curators, designers and journalists.

“I heard Royal Imports and Mansae Enterprises are about to enter into a strong partnership,” one bank manager comments. Sora wisely sips her juice to prevent herself from having to answer. Jihoon just smiles tightly, false pleasantry easily passing as genuine.

“I’m not sure where you heard that, but it's still in negotiation. Nothing has been decided yet, though a partnership will be greatly beneficial to both parties, hence why it's in discussion,”

“What I've been hearing is quite different,” another man pipes up, clearly undeterred by Jihoon’s unamused expression. He really hates people talking about gossip, particularly when he's the subject. “Mansae Enterprises has been restructuring the last three months with numerous redundancy packages being taken out. Is that true?”

“Thank you for your keen interest in us,” Jihoon says, smile starting to bleed his discomfort. “I won’t comment on it though. It is a matter of company confidentiality. I’m sure you all understand,” he says, ever civil.

“I hear that you’re in charge of it, Mr Lee,” the man presses. Jihoon now recognises that he’s from a magazine. Jihoon hates reporters.

Jihoon doesn’t answer. Just keeps the smile on his face, a perfect pleasant mask.

“I heard all about it,” he continues, eyes glinting mischievously as he watches Jihoon’s mask flicker to annoyance for a moment, before it returns, unbreakable. Internally, Jihoon wonders how he’s withholding himself from punching the man in the face. Reputation, Jihoon. Reputation. “I hear you offered out redundancy packages, but now you’ve just straight up dismissing a hundred staff in just over a week.”

“A hundred in a week?!” someone gasps. Sora chokes a little on her juice.

Jihoon smiles tersely. He can’t walk away from the conversation, that would make it even worse. He has to answer.

“The company is merely trying to meet goals to become more efficient and profitable,” he says simply.

“Your goals lack morals? Lack emotion to care about the workers in your company who have been loyal to you for years?”

“I didn’t realise I was being interviewed, Mr Kim,” Jihoon says tightly, tone dismissive, and the reporter flinches slightly. Identified and now potentially liable for overstepping his limits - his casual conversation had turned interrogatory and Mansae Enterprises could report him to the regulatory board for journalism. It wasn’t illegal, per se, but Mansae Enterprises could make it serious enough to get him suspended if they really wanted to. 

“If you’re so eager to know the answer that you’re willing to interrogate me over juice, might I suggest arranging an interview with the CEO? I’m sure he could answer you better about the company policy,” Jihoon says pleasantly. He checks the time on his watch. “Sorry gentleman, Sora-sshi, I have another function to attend to tonight, so I must be off.” He smiles politely and bows deeply but curtly before taking his leave.

He doesn’t look back at the shocked faces of the group of people watching him leave. Sora is the only one whose face isn’t one of shock - but only she knew her crumpled, thoughtful expression was actually concealing fear.

Jihoon had always been pleasant enough around her, but the aspects of his personality that peeked through seemed to be cold, and almost without emotion. He treated the marriage like a duty, though it was, and his response just then left an uneasy feeling in her stomach.

She doesn’t know the person she’s meant to spend the rest of her life with, and that scares her.

 

Jihoon opens his eyes blearily when the hat over his face is removed, making the lights of the room blinding. Seungcheol beams down at him, holding his favourite hat in his hands as Jihoon sighs and closes his eyes again.

“You’re early. I thought you had a function,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon doesn’t move or even open his eyes. Seungcheol just lifts Jihoon’s legs to stretch them over his lap as he sits down on the couch, letting Jihoon continue to lie across the entire length.

“I did,” Jihoon says, eventually sitting up slowly with a sigh, “but a nosy reporter was being a prick, so I left.” He doesn’t move his feet away from Seungcheol’s lap, the bartender occupied with re-tying the laces on one of his shoes.

“What’d he do?” Seungcheol asks, beaming as he finishes with Jihoon’s laces.

“Ask about some company business he had no business in knowing,”

“Well he’s a prick. Was everyone else nice though?” Seungcheol is resting his arms over Jihoon’s legs now, preventing him from sitting on the couch properly. Jihoon doesn’t really mind.

“The usual. Pleasant and civil. Fake. Soonyoung wasn’t there tonight,”

“Your only saviour at these functions,” Seungcheol grins and Jihoon manages a wry smile.

“Yeah,”

Seungcheol hesitates a moment before asking quietly. “Was she there?”

Jihoon feels his heart shudder to a stop for a moment before it restarts, whole body feeling cold. Seungcheol can only mean one person.

“Yeah, she was,” he says quietly. He averts his eyes quickly, falling silent for too long. 

Seungcheol reaches for his hand. “What’s wrong? Did I say something wrong?”

“No, I… I just…” Jihoon takes a deep breath. “Are you really okay with this? The engagement?”

Seungcheol shrugs. “I have to be, don’t I? It’s not like either of us really have a choice.”

Jihoon looks burdened, eyes staring at his hands intertwined with Seungcheol’s between them. Seungcheol sighs and pulls him to sit properly, leaning against his side, warm and safe. “It’s not your fault, don’t feel guilty. I guess…. I just chose to love the wrong man,” Seungcheol says, smile forced, and Jihoon swallows thickly, trying not to show how much his heart aches.

“I’m so sorry, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol hushes him and gently presses their mouths together. It’s comforting and heartbreaking, all in one. “Don’t apologize. I said it’s not your fault,” he kisses Jihoon’s eyelids, pretending he doesn’t taste the salt of Jihoon’s tears he’s trying to hold back.

“As long as you’re happy and safe, I’ll be okay. Even if that means that... Someday you’re happy and safe without me,” he murmurs.

Jihoon blinks back tears. “If I can stop it in any shape or form, I will,” he says softly, hands gripping the edges of Seungcheol’s jacket tightly. “And it... It won’t change how I feel about you. I still love you, and I always will,”

Seungcheol smiles and kisses his nose. “That may be so, but if you marry her, you’d better be a loyal, dedicated husband, and make her happy,”

Jihoon doesn’t answer, just wraps his arms around Seungcheol’s waist, holding onto him tightly, face buried into Seungcheol’s chest. He shouldn’t be thinking about how Seungcheol can tell him to go care for someone else; not because he doesn’t care about Jihoon, but because he doesn’t want to cause unhappiness in another person if Jihoon’s heart still lingers with Seunghcheol.

Seungcheol just breathes deeply, trying to keep the fear aside as he holds Jihoon tightly and runs a hand through his hair.

They’ll get through this. Somehow. Even though they both know that it’ll end with them breaking up, Jihoon marrying someone else and probably never seeing Seungcheol again.

Seungcheol wonders if he saw Jihoon on street, with a pretty girl by his side and a kid in a pram… Seungcheol wonders if he could look Jihoon in the eye and smile at him.

He doesn’t want to think about it. Seungcheol just holds Jihoon even closer and buries his nose in Jihoon’s hair that smells of oranges and lemons, and tries to breathe in the moment that won’t last forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: a note about Sora - like Jihoon, she’s a victim of her circumstance, but also remember her impression of him is: him yelling at his parents and storming out, treating everything like it’s business, treating the marriage like it’s a duty that he simply has to fulfil, and seemingly not caring about the employees of his company. Obviously it’s just the discrepancy of information that she’s had available to her, but always remember: she’s a victim of her circumstance too.  
> I’m not saying this as any form of defence or whatever, I don’t particularly care, just to point out this as I’m not going to spend much time of the fic for her perspective. She’s simply around as a plot device, so I won’t be developing her as a character much, but remember she is still a character/person and has her reasons for her own opinions and actions.


	21. twenty-one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **a/n:** I’m /really/ sorry about how long this took me to finally ready to post, and even now I’m actually not ahead in chapters as much as I’d like to be, but I will work on it!!! And hopefully be able to semi-consistently update every week or so from now on again. Thanks all for your patience with my crazy life commitments and inconsistency with frequent updates, please know I am always trying my best to balance everything and still give you guys content I’m satisfied is good enough for all of you.
> 
>  **PLEASE NOTE MY WARNINGS FROM THE BEGINNING OF THE FIC AGAIN!** Note that not only has this fic been on a bit of a hiatus, but these next few chapters are full of triggering content. I’ll have a TL;DR at the end for anyone who may be worried about the content of the next few chapters so you can judge for yourself whether you’ll be okay reading it, and go back if you think it’ll be okay. Please, please take care of these warnings. I did consider even completely changing this arc of the story because I was worried about the triggering content, but in the end this is part of the story I wanted to tell, so please bear with me while I try to tell the story as I originally intended.
> 
>  **Warnings again:** in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations

Jihoon jolts awake in cold sweat, whole body heaving with the struggle to breathe. His hair is plastered to his forehead and the sides of his face; even his shirt is sticking to him. 

Pulling the blankets off, Jihoon gets up to stand, barefoot, in the middle of his room. He walks to the desk where his water bottle sits and takes several gulps, desperate for relief.

But the images just come back. The gun in his hand, his blood on the ground; Chan’s face, scared and horrified; Seungcheol’s eyes staring at him, sad and broken. Everything going black and cold.

Jihoon scrubs at his face, and then climbs onto his bed to push the window by his bed open. It doesn’t open fully, just pivots on a centre pin, but Jihoon is small enough to slowly, carefully, slide himself out.

His feet find the air-conditioning condenser outside his window easily, and Jihoon gingerly balances himself on it as he pulls himself fully out of the room and into the cool night air. He holds onto the gutter of the roof above his head as he siddles along the side of the house on the air conditioning condensers, until he reaches the corner of the house and the last condenser. A deep inhale, and then Jihoon pulls himself up onto the rooftop. 

Once he’s settled, he turns around to see the branch of one of the garden trees that has branched over the roof of the house. It’s familiar when Jihoon reaches for it, pulling himself onto the thick breach.

He easily slips in amongst the green leaves, the rough branch beneath his hands and feet as he crawls towards the trunk. Then he sits down on the thickest part of the branch, one hand on the trunk, legs swinging beneath him, several metres above the ground.

There, Jihoon breathes. He closes his eyes, takes deep breaths in, and out. It’s cold; he’s only in a cotton t-shirt and sweatpants, and the air is biting at his bare skin, but Jihoon just breathes, and feels his heart rate ease, and calm.

The nightmares aren’t often, but he always does the same thing to calm down. It takes longer than usual this time, since it’s been a while since he’s had a dream like this. It was so real too.

He sits there for what must be hours, because he goes numb from cold and he starts to see the sky lighting up at the horizon. His whole body creaks and groans as he slowly retraces his steps, going back along the branch to the rooftop, lowering himself to the air-conditioning condensers and then finally slipping back into his room.

Jihoon closes the window, climbs back into bed soundlessly, and stares at the roof while the sun rises and lights up his desolate room. His alarm goes off without Jihoon even having closed his eyes and attempted rest. He gets out of bed wordlessly and starts the day.

 

Sora is at the function he attends that night. Jihoon stands beside her calmly, careful to keep a distance as they listen to a museum curator talk about his new show. He’s felt detached from reality all day, but Jihoon just puts it down to his lack of sleep. He’ll be fine once he gets some sleep, right?

“Well, of course it makes sense for you to go,” Sora is saying as Jihoon finishes his glass of juice and reaches behind her head to put it on a ledge, out of the way.

What he doesn’t expect is for Sora to flinch away from him, nearly tottering over in her petite silver heels. Jihoon feels like someone just dumped a bucket of cold water over his head. He sees the _fear_ in her eyes, even if it was only for a brief second.

“S-Sorry,” she laughs nervously, the fear gone, masked. There’s a shaky smile on her face. “You startled me,” she says.

Jihoon can _feel_ the connection to his emotions slipping from his grasp, like sand through a sieve, leaving him hollow and a shell. On the outside though, he merely smiles serenely.

“No, I apologise, that was my fault, I shouldn’t have suddenly done that,” he smiles, plastic smile perfectly natural on his face. He’s practiced it enough.

“Oh look at you two,” the curator gushes, giggling, “I was worried about the rumoured business partnership between your two companies, but it looks like it’s going to be just fine,”

Sora’s smile is shaky, looking uneasy. Jihoon just keeps his practiced smile and says, “Rumours are rumours, Mr Park, but we are getting to know each other for future business purposes, and perhaps friends?”

He adds a hopeful lilt to his voice at the end, turning to Sora, and she looks at him with something akin to confusion at Jihoon echoing her own words back at her. _I was hoping we could be friends?_ But its the look in her eyes that Jihoon registers, and now he knows he’s not mstaken.

She’s scared of him. 

Perfect. The ideal set-up for a marriage.

“Y-yes, of course,” she replies cheerily, a moment later, laughing prettily and smiling at the museum curator.

Jihoon smiles warmly at her, but his whole being is cold and hollow, and the rest of the evening passes in a blur. When he leaves the function, it’s already midnight, and pretty cold. Spring has started, but the winter chill hasn’t completely left yet. Jihoon tugs his jacket closer around his body and pulls out his phone.

Seungcheol has replied to a text from him earlier that evening with a long thought out reply to their conversation - about whether robots would take over everyone’s jobs.

Jihoon smiles at his phone as he reads the message standing at the traffic light, waiting to cross the road. He makes his way back to the car before he types out his reply.

 _u finished? coming over?_ Seungcheol asks in reply.

Jihoon climbs into his car and calls Seungcheol. It’s probably Seungcheol’s break now. Seungcheol answers after two rings.

“Hey,” his voice is warm, laced with affection that Jihoon can tell he’s smiling even from one word.

“Hey yourself,” Jihoon says, voice soft, weary. He feels drained of energy. He closes his eyes, and lets out a long breath.

“Are you coming over tonight?” Seungcheol asks.

Jihoon wants to say yes. He wants to see Seungcheol, see his smile, be held by him in the backroom and absorb the feeling of safety and protection that Seungcheol offers him. But he also knows this feeling. This exhaustion, which clings to him like a dark cloud over his head, over his heart, and makes everything seem that little greyer. 

He doesn’t want Seungcheol to be saddened by his lack of responsiveness. He doesn’t want Seungcheol to _worry_. Seungcheol has enough to worry about than Jihoon being emotionally drained from everything except Seungcheol.

If Seungcheol smiled at him, Jihoon doesn’t think he could smile back.

“Not tonight,” Jihoon says softly. “I’m really tired and I have a lot of meetings tomorrow,”

“Okay,” Seungcheol says, and Jihoon hates how he can hear the slightest hint of disappointment in his voice. He knows Seungcheol tries to hide it, but Jihoon can hear it. Jihoon knows.

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says. “Maybe tomorrow, if I can finish my readings and notes for class after work,”

“Sure,” Seungcheol says, “tomorrow.” He pauses for a moment, then says, almost like an afterthought, “Is everything okay?”

‘Okay’ is such a broad term, Jihoon doesn’t even know what fits in ‘okay’, if anything, but he knows what to answer. What he has to answer. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’ll talk to you later,”

“Okay, talk later, Jihoonie, love you.”

Jihoon opens his eyes in the dark of his car of the empty carpark and, for a moment, doesn’t feel quite so empty and alone. “I love you too, Seungcheol,”

But after he hangs up, the silence is suffocating, completely enveloping him and his mind to the numbness of silence. Jihoon puts his phone in the cup holder, starts the car engine and starts the journey home.

 

Jihoon looks up when there’s a knock on his door.

“Come in,” he says, and Raina pops her head in.

“I’m leaving for the night. Are you finishing up soon, Jihoon-sshi?” she asks

“Yes, but I’m going to stay back and do some things for class,” Jihoon answers, gesturing at his pile of textbooks and notes. Raina’s eyes look sad for a moment.

“I see, well, try not to stay back too late, and make sure you eat dinner,” she says.

Jihoon smiles gently at her. “I will, thank you, Raina-noona.”

She nods and waves to him before closing his door again and Jihoon is left alone in his office. He knows that within the next hour or so, everyone else will finish, go back to warm homes, smiling families and partners.

Jihoon thinks of Seungcheol and sighs. His phone buzzes in his jacket pocket and he checks it. Seungcheol texted back and Jihoon smiles at the message, saying he and Jeonghan are arguing about which type of noodles is best for late night cravings.

 _jjajangmyun is the clear answer_ Jihoon texts back.

 _that’s my babe_ Seungcheol replies. Jihoon chuckles and puts his phone back into his jacket pocket, hung on the back of his chair.

The next couple of hours crawl by with Jihoon finishing his report. When he finally puts that away, his pile of reading for class stares back at hm and Jihoon sighs heavily before reaching for it.

Jihoon does his readings, plays a game of solitaire, does some more readings, starts writing notes, and midnight ticks by.

His computer tinkles with reminders for the coming day. Jihoon reads through the meetings and appointments he has to attend, the reports he has to proofread before the end of the week. Then he sees an email he hadn’t read earlier.

It’s from Sora, asking when he was free to meet for lunch or coffee, either this week or next. Jihoon’s mind goes back to the previous night, and the way she had flinched at his proximity, the fear in her eyes.

Like water pouring out of a glass, Jihoon feels his emotions flow out of him, slowly but steadily.

He writes a post-it note to reply to her tomorrow - when it’s not nearing 1am and most people are awake and it’s normal to be replying to emails or arranging meetings.

Then he pushes his chair back and crawls under his table. The secret compartment for the gun opens easily and Jihoon pulls it out, the grip foreign, and yet undeniably familiar. It’s not the first time he’s used the gun as his mechanism to ground himself whenever this emptiness lingers a little too long to be normal.

He’s too calm, he thinks numbly, as he holds the loaded gun. But he always is, and that’s why he has it, why he loads it. To jerk him back to reality and fear it again. To bring back fear, and all his other emotions - remind himself why he wants to live.

But even as he lifts the gun and points the barrell to his head, he’s still calm, numb, empty. Seconds pass and the emptiness doesn’t pass and Jihoon lowers the gun with a hollow feeling in his chest. Why isn’t he scared? Why isn’t he worried he’ll accidentally pull the trigger and die?

The answer is right in front of him but Jihoon doesn’t want to think it out properly. That’s too much for him to process now. He scrubs at his face with his other hand and stares at the gun still in his grasp - loaded, safety off, finger on the trigger.

He has to put it away. Otherwise he really might do something, like pull the trigger.

Jihoon puts the gun back into its compartment and climbs out from beneath his desk. His office is desolate for how much time he spends here, meticulously organised and yet somehow still busy and cluttered.

The office floor outside is dark, empty. He’s completely alone.

He takes a deep breath, but it feels restricted. Jihoon struggles to think through the cotton wool numbness in his head and heart.

Fresh air. He just needs some fresh air. Maybe he’ll go for a walk, go to the 24 hour convenience store around the corner, buy some juice. Yeah, fresh air sounds good.

Jihoon grabs his jacket, pulling it on and heading to the lifts. But as he reaches the silver panel, his hand hovers over the ‘down’ button, head like cotton wool. He stares at the buttons for a long moment before his hand moves just a little to press ‘up’ instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **a/n:** TL;DR if you want to know what kind of triggering content is here / ahead: the in depth interaction with suicide and firearms warnings are the main ones that apply. Jihoon has suicidal thoughts, uses the gun to try and deal with it, and also contemplates suicide by gun at one point. He also has a dream about committing suicide by gun.  
>  If this is triggering for you, please do not read. I will also add TL;DR for the next chapter or two, depending on the kind of content covered. If this content makes you stop reading the fic, I understand, and I'm sorry if I caused any hurt.


	22. twenty-two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: i have to apologize for how long this update took. I hope most of you saw the update I posted on my twitter announcing I had to take a hiatus this year. I wanted to post this update soon after that so that I could point those of you without twitter to the announcement, but I really struggled to have the time to even just proofread this update.  
> Excuses aside, this is finally here. A long chapter because I didn’t want to split it in half. I will try to get another one out before semester starts again, but I can’t promise anything, unfortunately.  
> Since it’s been a while - please note the warnings of this fic again. **This is the chapter with the most triggering content, so please be aware of it.**
> 
> Warnings again: in depth interaction with suicide, depression, homophobia and related issues, bullying, firearms, manipulation, smoking, language, implied sexual situations
> 
> I’ll also have a TL;DR at the end in case anyone is worried about triggering content.

Seungcheol grabs his jacket and gets ready to close Healing with Yejin. 

Jihoon hasn’t messaged him again tonight. Seungcheol knows he’s studying, and sometimes he’s really absorbed in his work, but there’s some part of him that just wants to hear Jihoon’s voice. As Yejin rummages through her bag for the keys to lock up, Seungcheol pulls out his phone and calls Jihoon, hoping he’s not bothering him.

The first call goes through to voicemail. Seungcheol stares at his phone, frowning. Jihoon never misses his phone calls at this time of night - even if he’s busy, he’ll answer to tell Seungcheol he’ll call him or message later, and Seungcheol would drop it. Seungcheol hesitates and wonders if he should call again.

“Just one more time,” he murmurs to himself, before redialling.

This time, Jihoon answers after three rings. 

“Hey Jihoonie!” Seungcheol beams. Yejin takes one look at his smile before rolling her eyes, even though there’s a smile on her face. Seungcheol pretends he doesn’t notice it as they step outside and she starts locking the doors behind them.

He can hear Jihoon on the other end, breathing calmly, but there’s no voice answering him, calling his name, or even a tired ‘hey’ in response.

A cold feeling begins to trickle into Seungcheol’s chest. Something’s wrong. “Jihoon?”

Yejin turns around at the change of tone in his voice, face crumpling in confusion.

“Hey,” Jihoon finally speaks, a quiet, faint, resigned exhale.

“Jihoon? Is everything okay?” Seungcheol asks.

Jihoon hums, but there’s something about the tone in his voice that has Seungcheol frowning. “Mmm, yeah, fine,” he says, though he sounds distant, distracted.

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol presses.

Jihoon doesn't answer for a long moment. “Have you…” Jihoon falters, “have you ever lost someone important to you, Seungcheol?” he asks. His voice is soft, and Seungcheol can hear wind around him, even though it’s not that windy tonight.

“I - ” Seungcheol glances at Yejin, face confused. “Well, I … yes, I have I guess,” his mind flashes to his parents for a second, but he doesn’t dwell on it. Right now, he just wants to understand the empty tone of Jihoon’s voice, the weird question, why he feels so uncomfortable hearing Jihoon talk. “Why? Jihoon, what’s wrong?”

“So…. you’ll be okay then….” Jihoon says softly again.

“Jihoon, what are you talking about? Why would I be okay?” Seungcheol grips his phone tightly. Yejin is watching him carefully. Jihoon merely hums softly over the phone.

“I just… was thinking…. If I disappeared…”

“Jihoon!” Seungcheol feels the electric shock of fear flash in his chest. “Jihoon, you can’t disappear! What are you talking about?”

Jihoon is silent while Yejin is clinging onto his other arm tightly. Seungcheol is trying to remember to breathe.

“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny, “would you be sad if I died?”

Seungcheol feels like the world is tilting, but he forces himself to breathe. He has to focus on Jihoon. For Jihoon.

“Jihoon, don’t - ” he takes a deep shuddering breath. “I would be incredibly, incredibly sad if you died,” his voice shakes, but he pushes on while Yejin looks horrified. “Jihoon… Jihoon, where are you?”

Instead of an answer, Seungcheol can just hear muffled hiccups and Jihoon sniffling.

“Seungcheol, I don’t know what to do,” Jihoon mumbles, hiccuping. “I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either,”

“Jihoon,” Seungcheol is almost shaking. “Jihoon, please, love, please, tell me where you are,”

A hiccup, a shaky breath and then, Jihoon whispers, “Rooftop of my office,”

Seungcheol is already beginning to run but Yejin grabs his arm and tugs him towards her car. He immediately clambers in, while Yejin starts the engine. 

“Jihoon, stay on the line, okay? I’m on my way,” Seungcheol says as Yejin flaps her hand at him to tell her where to go.

“His office rooftop,” Seungcheol says quickly and Yejin immediately sets off. Seungcheol focuses on the call again, where he can hear Jihoon crying.

“Jihoon, breathe. Just breathe, okay?” Seungcheol says as Yejin zooms down streets towards the city centre. 

“I just… I don’t know, Seungcheol,” Jihoon is saying and Seungcheol throws Yejin a panicked look. She runs a yellow light, eyes focused straight ahead. “Why am I here? What’s the point of being here, of being alive?”

Seungcheol doesn’t know how to answer, but he knows he can’t leave Jihoon with those thoughts. “Because… because of life! Because of the things that are to come, the things you haven’t experienced yet, because of the people you care about, and the people who care about you,”

“No one cares about me,” Jihoon mumbles.

“I care!” Seungcheol yells and Yejin jumps a little at the sudden loudness of his voice. “I care about you a lot, Jihoon. You’re important to me, don’t you believe that?”

Jihoon sniffles over the phone. “I don’t know,” he whispers. “Part of me does, and part of me doesn’t,”

Seungcheol is trying to keep his cool, to not cry, not now when Jihoon needs him. But listening to Jihoon is breaking him apart from the inside.

“Jihoon, please,” Seungcheol pleads, swiping at the tears that are running down his cheeks, “please believe me when I say I care, when I say you’re important to me, when I say I love you. You make me happy, you make me so, so happy. Please, please believe that,”

Jihoon seems to be crying harder over his words. “I want to believe you, but I don’t know how,” Jihoon chokes out. Yejin brakes to a stop and Seungcheol realises they’ve reached the office. He stumbles out on unsteady feet. He reaches the doors but they don’t open. Of course. The office is closed. Yejin waves from the side, before pointing out the fire staircase against the side of the building and Seungcheol immediately bolts up them.

“Jihoon, love, believe me, okay?” he says as he runs up the flights. Yejin is lagging behind, and Seungcheol hesitates for a moment to check on her. Yejin looks up, and is about to wave him on, but her eyes widen and she points out something to the side. Seungcheol follows her finger to see a small figure sitting on the edge of the rooftop, legs dangling over the edge and he feels fear seize his heart again.

“Seungcheol, go!” she hisses and he runs up faster.

Seungcheol is breathing heavily, but he doesn’t stop speaking as he climbs the stairs. “Jihoon, I’ll tell you everyday, okay? I’ll remind you, how much I love you, how much you mean to me; that you’re important, that I’m here for you. That you should be here, to see the sun rise, and the sun set, see the good things but see the bad things too. To experience it all because that’s what life is about.” 

He’s on the sixth floor. Jihoon still looks so far away, so tiny in the luminous lights of the streetlamps. He’s still silent over the phone.

“I’ll cook my infamous pasta for you. The awful one mixed with rice you said was a travesty. Remember? I promised, I'd show you that it's tasty. I want to keep that promise, Jihoon. I want to cook a lot of things for you, Jihoon. I want to do a lot of things with you, make food for you, go travelling with you, be with you, every day,” Seungcheol is panting now. Eleventh floor.

“That sounds like a heavy burden on you,” Jihoon whispers.

“No!” Seungcheol cries, taking a moment to breathe. “No, it’s not a burden for me, Jihoon. I _want_ to do those things. I _choose_ to do these things. I _choose_ to be with you. If it was truly a burden, I wouldn’t choose to do any of it, but I do. I choose you. I will always choose to be with you.”

“Why?” Jihoon asks brokenly over the phone.

Seungcheol feels his heart twist and shatter in his chest, but he doesn’t let himself stop. “Because I love you. Because I want to be with you,” he says. Jihoon sniffles over the phone and Seungcheol pushes himself forward, he has to get up to the roof. He has to get to Jihoon.

“Because you make me smile, you make me laugh, you make me _happy_ ,” Seungcheol rasps out. Fifteenth floor. Almost there. “Because I’m curious about you, because you’re full of wit and charm and I keep wanting to know more. Because you’re funny and sarcastic and kind of violent, and so, so beautiful, I feel like I could stare at you all day,”

“Seungcheol…” Jihoon’s voice is tiny and Seungcheol is trying to breathe properly. He feels a cold drop of water drop on his nose. It’s beginning to rain.

“Jihoon, I mean every word. You hear me? You’re important to me,” Seungcheol says. He’s almost there, just two more floors. “I love you, Lee Jihoon, please believe me.” The rain is beginning to fall steadily now. He wipes it from his eyes as he reaches the rooftop.

“Can you let me say that to your face?” he asks as he stands on the top platform. The rain is dripping water into his eyes again, but Seungcheol can see Jihoon turn to look at him. His jacket is getting soaked through, tie loose around his neck.

Jihoon’s face crumples at the sight of him and Seungcheol’s hesitant steps towards him become running steps as he rushes to Jihoon’s side, immediately wrapping his arms around Jihoon tightly.

For a long moment, they just stay there, Seungcheol holding Jihoon almost too tightly, both of them crying as the rain continues to fall around them. Jihoon’s hands are twisted in Seungcheol’s jacket weakly, almost feebly, like he doesn’t have the energy to hold on tighter. Seungcheol is scared that it’s because he just wants to let go, and slip over the edge of the rooftop and fall those twenty floors.

“Baby, please,” Seungcheol whispers when he loosens his grip just the slightest bit, still scared Jihoon will jump. “Please, come away from the edge, okay?”

Jihoon grips his sleeve tightly for a moment before he nods very slowly against Seungcheol’s chest. Seungcheol helps him pull his legs back over the ledge and onto the ground of the rooftop. Seungcheol immediately wraps his arms around him again and sinks to the ground, pulling Jihoon into his lap, knees on either side of Seungcheol’s waist. 

Seungcheol buries his face into Jihoon’s neck, whole body shaking, arms wrapped around Jihoon’s torso, like he’s so scared Jihoon will just stand up and climb over the edge again. Jihoon has wrapped his arms around Seungcheol too, but more tired, more exhausted.

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon eventually manages, voice soft and tiny again. Seungcheol makes an indistinguishable squabble of sound as he pulls his head out from Jihoon’s shoulder, before he grabs Jihoon’s face and crashes their lips together, a little too hard.

“I love you, Jihoon,” Seungcheol breathes out, voice strangled and desperate. “I love you, so much. Please believe me,”

Jihoon opens his mouth before something akin to pain flashes in his eyes and he closes it without saying anything, eyes darting to the side. Seungcheol caresses his cheek gently, other arm still wrapped around Jihoon’s waist, holding onto him.

“I want to say I believe you, and I want to… say those words back,” Jihoon says softly, “but I don’t feel like… it would be genuine…”

Seungcheol immediately hushes him, thumb touching his bottom lip before dragging it back to his cheek. His smile is so soft, totally unreserved. “You don’t have to say it, love. I just want to say it. I just want you to know,” Seungcheol murmurs and Jihoon’s gaze lowers away from Seungcheol’s gaze, unsure how to respond to the unbridled affection in his eyes.

Seungcheol guides his face back to look at him and then smiles so gently, Jihoon responds the only way he can think of - he holds Seungcheol’s face with both hands and slowly brings their lips together, kissing Seungcheol almost hesitantly. Seungcheol doesn’t force him further, responding just as softly and Jihoon inhales deeply, smelling the rain drenched ground. One hand moves to tangle in Seungcheol’s dark locks of hair, and Seungcheol’s arm around his waist tightens in its grip for a moment. Jihoon pulls away the slightest bit to breathe before he leans in and captures Seungcheol’s mouth again, kissing him harder, almost desperate as he grips Seungcheol’s hair. Seungcheol responds accordingly, holding him tighter, mouth moving against Jihoon’s in ways that makes his fingers curl in Seungcheol’s hair.

After a long moment, they pull away, resting their foreheads together, ignoring the rain as they breathe in and out together. It becomes almost hypnotic, breathing in, breathing out, processing the feeling of being _alive_.

Jihoon’s face crumples as he realises he’s alive and not dead, and the uncertainty of whether he’s relieved or not swirls inside him like a tornado, tears beginning anew again. Seungcheol quickly hushes him, whispering half-coherent words of comfort, touch gentle as he caresses Jihoon’s cheek, pushing his wet hair from his face. Jihoon splutters out weak explanations that don’t quite make sense. Seungcheol just continues to hold him close and say “It’s okay,” over and over again. 

Once he calms down, hiccuping a few times while Seungcheol kisses his cheek, Jihoon just sits there there, coughing and sniffling a little, mostly just immobilized by the fear and sadness that hold him in its icy grasp. Seungcheol holds him tightly and whispers promises of making everything okay against the skin of his cheek.

They’re interrupted by Yejin stumbling up the final steps onto the rooftop, nearly collapsing as she tries to catch her breath, leaning heavily on her knees.

Jihoon raises his head slightly, eyes going a little wide as he stares at her.

“Yejin...noona…?” he breathes.

Seungcheol smiles. “She came with me, because she was worried about you too,” he murmurs softly. Jihoon turns to look at him, confusion clear in his features. Seungcheol just smiles gently, albeit tiredly, watching as realisation dawns on Jihoon as Yejin finally straightens up, having caught her breath.

The two of them get to their feet as Yejin runs over, immediately smothering Jihoon in a tight hug, tears running down her cheeks, mixing with rain, while Jihoon freezes. At first he just looks surprised, but after a moment, he melts, hugging her back and burying his face into her shoulder.

“You scared me, Jihoonie,” Yejin whimpers, arms around him tightening, “both of us. We were both so worried about you,” she sniffles loudly and Seungcheol can’t help snickering a little.

“Oh shut up, Choi Seungcheol,” she snaps at him between hiccups, continuing to hug Jihoon tightly, still sniffling.

“I’m sorry, noona,” Jihoon’s tiny voice comes out from her jacket. Yejin lets go of him enough to kiss his forehead where his hairline begins, lingering there for a few extra seconds.

Then she gives him a watery smile, moving her hands to hold his cheeks between her palms.

“You’re precious, Jihoonie,” she says, “you’re valuable and wonderful, as you are, and I will remind you of this as often as you need. Don’t apologize, okay?”

Jihoon’s gaze lowers, biting his lower lip as he nods as much as he can between her hands. Yejin smiles tiredly before hugging him again, whispering similar words of comfort again and again.

After a while, Seungcheol asks, “Do I have to ask for my boyfriend back for you to let go of him?”

It breaks the tension a little as Yejin pulls away somewhat reluctantly, giggling a little. Seungcheol immediately steps up beside Jihoon and laces their hands together.

“Let’s go home and out of the rain?” Seungcheol asks. Jihoon stares at the ground.

“I don’t want to go home,” Jihoon mumbles. Seungcheol understands enough to know that the house that Jihoon is meant to call ‘home’ isn’t particularly warm or kind.

Seungcheol just lifts his chin so that their eyes meet, before he smiles. “I didn’t mean there. I’m not letting you go tonight,” he says, leaning over to kiss Jihoon’s cheek.

The words would be sweeter if Jihoon didn’t think it’s because Seungcheol is scared he’ll try again if he leaves Jihoon alone. Jihoon doubts himself too.

He pushes those thoughts out of his head and nods numbly. “Okay,” he says softly.

Yejin lets out a groan. “I only just got up here, and now I have to go all the way down again,” she says and Jihoon glances down at her shoes to see they’re boots with slight heels to them.

“We can take the lift down,” Jihoon says, wiping the rain out of his eyes. He tugs Seungcheol towards the rooftop door and Yejin follows.

“Are you sure, Jihoon?” Seungcheol asks, frowning a little as Jihoon opens the door and leads them inside. 

“It’s fine,” Jihoon says, as they take steps down to the top floor, Jihoon pushing the door open easily.

“It’s okay, there’s no one here,” Jihoon says when he sees both of them hesitating to step into the pristine white of the top floor. “The security guard came at midnight and then left for the night, and he told me I was the only one here then,” Jihoon says.

Seungcheol’s grip on his hand tightens at the words. Jihoon knows it’s tied to his displeasure about Jihoon working late, but he pretends he doesn’t notice, just heads towards the lift and presses the button. The doors open immediately - Jihoon was the last person to use it to come to the top floor, after all.

They clamber in, still dripping wet from the rain, and Seungcheol presses for the ground floor.

“My car is in the basement…” Jihoon says.

Seungcheol squeezes his hand. “Then we’ll see noona to her car,” he says softly. Jihoon just nods wordlessly. Yejin smiles and reaches over to takes his other hand in hers.

They reach the ground floor and the lift doors slide open noiselessly. The three of them make their way across the reception, Jihoon wincing a little when their shoes squeak on the pristine tiles. He hopes the cleaner doesn’t get in trouble for the little puddles they’re leaving behind.

Yejin is parked directly in front of the glass doors. Jihoon turns to hug her tightly before she hugs Seungcheol and then he presses the button to open the glass doors.

“Take care of him, Seungcheol-ah,” Yejin says lowly in warning as she walks out the doors.

Seungcheol just smiles, squeezing Jihoon’s hand in his. “Of course, noona,” he says, tugging Jihoon closer to him and pressing a kiss to his rain-drenched hair. Jihoon stares at the ground until they hear the engine start and they wave her off.

Seungcheol turns to him, smile still in place. “Ready to go, love?” he asks gently.

Jihoon swallows what suddenly feels like a peachstone as he nods. “Yeah,” he says, voice sounding a little strangled.

Seungcheol just smiles and kisses his wet hair again. Instead of facing that gentle look, Jihoon turns and leads the way to the carpark, tugging Seungcheol along to the lift.

 

Seungcheol doesn’t let go of Jihoon’s hand at any point, partly for his own reassurance that Jihoon is still there, still alive, still with them; but also for Jihoon’s reassurance - that Seungcheol is by his side, that Seungcheol isn’t leaving him.

Seungcheol opens the door to his apartment without dropping Jihoon’s hand. The ride had been mostly silent, neither of them quite sure what to say. Seungcheol knew Jihoon wouldn’t want to talk about it, but pretending it didn’t happened and everything was normal and fine was too hard.

“Do you want anything?” Seungcheol asks as he flicks on the light. He turns back to Jihoon when he’s silent. “Jihoonie?” Jihoon’s gaze lifts from the ground, where he’s silently toeing off his shoes, to stare at him. Seungcheol smiles, gaze warm. “Did you want anything? A cup of tea before you sleep?”

“I…. yeah, maybe, that’d be good,” Jihoon says, voice small. Seungcheol smiles and kisses his forehead before tugging him into the kitchen.

He lets go of Jihoon’s hand to grab the kettle and fill it with water, and set it to boil. When he finishes that, he finds Jihoon staring at something on the kitchen bench, totally fixated on it. Seungcheol follows his gaze and finds one of his kitchen knives left out on the kitchen bench, the blade glinting in the room light.

Fear grips Seungcheol like claws around his neck, and he hurriedly moves to Jihoon, standing in front of him and blocking his view.

“Jihoon!” 

Jihoon snaps out of his daze and looks up at Seungcheol, eyes wide, expression somewhere between lost and horrified.

Seungcheol’s breathing is shallow. There’s a fear in his chest he can’t quash.

“Jihoon, hey, I’m worried about you,” Seungcheol says quietly, deflating a little, and Jihoon looks away from him, expression full of guilt. Seungcheol is so jarred by everything, he barely thinks through his next words. “What’s going on in that head of yours, love? Let me in, tell me what you’re thinking,”

Jihoon lifts his head to look at him, but Seungcheol witnesses the most heartbreaking thing instead - Jihoon’s whole expression crumbling bit by bit. His mouth purses, trembling, trying to stave off the breakdown as his eyes fill with tears. Jihoon tries to hold them back for a brief second before they spill from the corners of his eyes anyway.

“Oh God, Jihoon,” Seungcheol pulls him close, almost smushing Jihoon’s face to his chest. “Baby, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Oh gosh, I’m sorry, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m sorry,”

But like a broken dam, Jihoon cries brokenly, apologizing and gripping Seungcheol’s jacket, unravelling in Seungcheol’s arms. Seungcheol continues to apologize and console him, but Jihoon is falling to pieces right in front of him.

Seungcheol hushes him and rocks him on the spot, trying to put Jihoon back together with comforting words and his embrace alone.

After a while, Jihoon calms down enough to pull his face away from Seungcheol’s chest, and Seungcheol hands him tissues to blow his nose as Seungcheol swipes the lingering tears from his cheeks.

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon says immediately, again.

Seungcheol shakes his head. “No, I’m sorry. I just wanted to understand you, to help you, but I didn’t do it right. Now isn’t the right time,”

Jihoon shakes his head, but at what, Seungcheol isn’t sure. “It’s my fault, I’m sorry,” Jihoon keeps apologising and it’s beginning to eat away at Seungcheol.

“You don’t have to apologize, Jihoon, it's not your fault,” he says.

“Everything is my fault,” Jihoon answers.

“No it's not,” Seungcheol says stubbornly, swiping the last smears of tears on Jihoon’s cheeks, “and it's not your fault you think like this either,”

“I'm sorry,” Jihoon apologises again, hands twisting in Seungcheol's shirt.

Seungcheol sighs and pulls Jihoon further away from him and for a moment Jihoon thinks Seungcheol is fed up with him and it's all over and -

Seungcheol gently cradles Jihoon’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks with his thumbs.

“Do you remember, Jihoonie?” he says quietly and Jihoon’s breath is still shuddering from the aftershocks of crying. “Do you remember when you told me that you didn't pity me? That you were here because you chose to be here?”

Jihoon's gaze lowers to the space between them - anywhere but at Seungcheol who is watching him intently.

Seungcheol tilts his head until he’s in Jihoon’s line of sight, a small smile curling at the edge of his lips when Jihoon looks at him. “I'm here because I want to be. I'm here because I choose to be. I choose to be with you, Jihoon, because I love you.”

Jihoon looks away again, but Seungcheol continues.

“I'm not just saying that, Jihoon. I want you to believe it too. That I love you. That I want to be with you. I want to wake up to your messy hair and bad breath and beautiful smile, to listen to you mumbling to yourself when you're working, and humming when you're happy. I want you to tease me with your snarky jokes and drive me crazy with how stubborn you are. I want to _live_ the way life is meant to be lived, and I want to do it with you.”

Seungcheol gently tilts Jihoon’s head so that he can press his lips to Jihoon’s forehead, breathing gentle words of love against Jihoon’s hairline.

“And I won't leave you. Not unless you genuinely hate me and want me to,” Seungcheol kisses his nose. “I'm here for you, Jihoon, because I choose to be here. I swear it.” and he finishes his promise with a gentle, delicate press to Jihoon’s lips, both of them careful and tentative, pretending they don't notice the tears running down Jihoon's cheeks until he has to pull away for breath. Seungcheol just kisses them away and holds Jihoon closely, rocking him gently like he's a child who needs to be rocked to sleep.

It works, somehow. Later that night, Seungcheol sits against the wall, Jihoon curled up against his chest, dark eyes staring blankly into the dark of the apartment, wondering what his next move should be.

 

“Will you be okay?” Seungcheol asks, hands still running through Jihoon’s hair, as if he hasn’t been doing it non-stop for the past ten minutes.

Jihoon just hums and presses his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder again, inhaling the scent of freshly laundered clothes, and seeking comfort he can’t gather in the few minutes he has left before he has to leave.

“I have to be,” he murmurs.

“No, you don’t,” Seungcheol replies, “You can take a day off, call in sick. I can too,”

Jihoon shakes his head. “No, too many questions. I’m better off just going in and claiming fatigue,”

Seungcheol makes a face but doesn’t question it, just continues running his hands through Jihoon’s hair and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “Okay, but message me throughout the day, okay?”

“Okay,” Jihoon acquiesces and Seungcheol sends him off with a tight hug and a soft kiss.

He lets out a long breath as he watches Jihoon’s car disappear from sight and he gets ready for work. He hopes they’ll be okay.

 

“Oh, Seungcheol,”

Seungcheol snaps out of his autopilot that he’s been running on all morning. In front of him, Eric is standing at the doorway of the company he’s delivering to. Seungcheol looks at the nameplate and realises it is Eric’s workplace, and he’s been so distracted all morning, he didn’t even realise.

“Hi hyung, sorry, can you sign for this?” Seungcheol says, putting the box down and getting out the device for acknowledging receipt.

“You seem to be thinking,” Eric says as Seungcheol prepares it for Eric’s signature.

“Yeah, you could say that,” Seungcheol chuckles quietly, a little nervously, as Eric signs. He doesn’t know how to say he’s worried his boyfriend is going to try and kill himself when Seungcheol isn’t there. He’s been answering all of Seungcheol’s texts this morning though, so Seungcheol knows he’s still managing through his day, somehow.

“Jihoon?” Eric asks, handing Seungcheol the device back. Seungcheol stares at him a little. “Amy told me what happened last night,” the look in his eyes let Seungcheol know that Yejin went into enough detail for Eric to know what is going on. Eric was to Yejin what Jihoon was to Seungcheol, after all. Seungcheol shouldn’t have been surprised that Yejin sought comfort with Eric after last night.

Seungcheol licks his lips. “Yeah,” he says quietly. “I want to help him, but he doesn’t want me to, he thinks he can solve it all on his own. I don’t really know what to do,” Seungcheol mumbles.

Eric watches him, Seungcheol’s eyes filled with sadness and turmoil. “I see,” Eric murmurs softly.

Seungcheol forces a smile. “Don’t worry, hyung, we’ll work it out,”

Eric just returns the smile hesitantly, waving a little as Seungcheol jogs out of the building.

As Seungcheol’s car drives away, Eric pulls out his phone and scrolls his contact list for a certain person.

 

“Hey, you’re Jihoon, right?”

Jihoon looks up from his Simple cocktail to see a girl, with short hair and several piercings, smile at him, two seats away. She’s dressed in slacks and a button up shirt, sleeves rolled up to show a tattoo sleeve on her right arm.

“Sorry, do I know you?” Jihoon asks. She doesn’t look like the kind of person who would be part of the upper circle of society, but then again looks are deceiving. He needs to know whether he has to handle company reputation as well as his own.

The girl grins, a little lopsided, a little playful. “Name’s Amber,” she drawls her name out a little, “I’m a friend of Eric and Amy’s.” That explains the slight accent.

Jihoon glances at her again. “You know me?”

“No, I don’t, admittedly, but they asked me to come tonight to talk to you,”

“About what?”

“About the fact you tried to jump off a twenty storey building two days ago,”

Jihoon’s eyes widen and he looks around in panic. He’s lucky Amber’s voice wasn’t too loud, and the bar is humming with noise, but there aren’t any people around them. Jeonghan and Seungcheol are also at the other end of the bar. Jisoo is in the back room.

“Don’t say that so loudly,” Jihoon hisses. Amber looks at him, unfazed.

“Why does it matter? It’s the truth, isn’t it?” she asks, totally calm.

“I - “ Jihoon takes a deep breath and licks his lips. “Well, maybe, but you don’t have to tell everyone.”

Amber regards him again for a long moment. “Who knows about it, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”

“What are you, my shrink?”

“No, but that’s what they’re hoping for,”

“What?!”

Amber sighs. “Look, Seungcheol is really, really worried about you - and yes I know him, and the situation between you two. Amy and Eric are worried about you too. They don’t want you to fight this battle alone, but you won’t let any of them help.”

“You’re a therapist,” Jihoon states more than asks.

“Not by profession, but technically yes,”

“What does that mean?”

“It means I studied it, took the licence exam, passed with flying colours, am a fully qualified psychologist, but I work as a florist with my dumb boyfriend,”

Jihoon gapes at her, not quite sure what to say. Amber just shifts in her seat and regards him calmly. “I’ll ask again, Jihoon: who knows what happened, and did they find out by accident or because you told them?”

Jihoon opens his mouth but instead of an answer, he just feels all the breath leave him. His heart is racing in his chest, but not like when Seungcheol kisses him, more like when he wakes up from nightmares, heart feeling like it’s going to leap out of his chest. His vision is getting blurry and he’s trying to breathe but it’s only coming out in short gasps and he feels like the world is closing in on him. A warm hand wraps around his forearm and a voice reminds him to breathe - in and out, in and out - and he follows what it tells him to do, until his vision is no longer shrinking from the edges.

He glances up to see Amber by his side, hand around his arm, but otherwise still not too close.

She searches his eyes. “Do you have panic attacks a lot?” she asks quietly. Jihoon shakes his head.

“Only when I think of…” he trails off. Amber understands.

She licks her lips and glances around her and Jihoon follows her gaze - their conversation is as private as it can be in a public bar, separate from the other customers and not attended to by any bartenders.

“I can’t force you to accept my help. It’s a two way street, Jihoon, you have to want to face this head on, or it won’t work,” she says quietly. “But I can tell you this - it’s not your fault or a weakness if you need to talk to someone - whether it’s me or Seungcheol, or anyone else.”

She pulls out a piece of paper from her pocket. It’s got her name and a phone number. “If you want to talk, about anything, you can contact me. We don’t have to do anything formal, and it can be here, or wherever. You don’t even have to talk to me, it can be Seungcheol, but the point is that you don’t try to fight this alone,” she says. “It’s not a matter of whether you’re strong enough - you are. You’re just stronger when you have help, and there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“But whatever you decide, remember this, Jihoon: it’s not just you that your life affects,” she murmurs. “There are other people around you who interact with you, and they want to help you,” she looks him in the eye; and later, Jihoon will say this is his favourite part about Amber - she always looks you in the eye, because she sees you for you.

“The question isn’t ‘do you want help’? It’s ‘do you want to let other people try to help you, while you help yourself’?”

 

After Amber leaves, Seungcheol comes by and asks what Amber wanted. Jihoon doesn’t answer immediately, not quite sure whether he should tell, but Seungcheol grips his hand and says it’s okay, and starts talking about some new dish Jeonghan was telling him about that he wants to try cooking. Jihoon knows he’s just trying to be a distraction, to give Jihoon something else to think about, but he also knows it’s hard for him. A forced kind of cheeriness to help Jihoon not think of his own sadness that clings like an overhanging curtain.

“She just wanted to talk to me,” Jihoon says quietly. Seungcheol falters in his spiel of almost nonsense as he runs out of things to say, and smiles gently.

“She’s nice, even if she’s a little strange,” Seungcheol says. Jihoon merely nods - he can agree with that description, even if only having just met her.

At the other end of the bar, Jeonghan looks like he’s got a few customers seeking his service, so Seungcheol squeezes Jihoon’s hand tightly and offers a resigned, soft smile, before heading over to help Jeonghan.

Jihoon watches him for a moment, thinking of Seungcheol’s strained cheerfulness, and pulls out his phone and the piece of paper with Amber’s number from his pocket.

_I’d like your help._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: TL;DR for those worried about triggering content: Jihoon is considering suicide, sitting on the edge of his office rooftop. Seungcheol gets to him in time and tells him he cares, and chooses to be with Jihoon. He and Yejin reassure Jihoon that is loved and cared for, and then go down the lifts to leave. At Seungcheol’s apartment, Jihoon becomes fixated with a kitchen knife and Seungcheol asks Jihoon what he’s thinking about, and Jihoon breaks down because he doesn’t want Seungcheol to understand the dark thoughts in his head. Eric calls Amber, a friend and trained psychologist, who speaks to Jihoon at the bar and tells him that she can help, but only if he is also willing - he has to want to get better. Jihoon messages Amber and says he’d like her help..  
> Also a quick disclaimer that I don’t claim to know all these issues in detail or the best ways to deal with them. I don’t mean to romanticize these issues through the relationship between Seungcheol and Jihoon, and that’s why I introduced Amber, to show that sometimes you need other people to intervene and help. Sometimes it can be a romantic partner, but sometimes it isn’t.  
> If you’re worried about any of this content, or think you need any help, please reach out to those who care about you and you feel comfortable talking to. If you feel alone, please remember that storms pass, that even the darkest nights turn into morning, and you have made it this far, and I - and many others who care about you - believe in you, that you can make it through this too.


End file.
